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A Quiet Suffering of Disconnected Men in Modern Society

Updated on January 8, 2020
Claudine Fleury profile image

I've engaged people from all walks of life and have taken a few walkabouts, too. I'm like a Monk without the robes.

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Men Also Victims of Patriarchal Systems

Why are so many men seemingly lonely and disconnected; be they bachelors, single or divorced, and includes those who feel secretly discontent and isolated within their marriages?

The traditional construct of patriarchal relationships specifically, the confines of marriage or even common law ones, expect men to be dominant and competitive bread winners and their partners, house wives in charge of children and homemaking.

Neither role has proven to be rewarding long term for either the men nor the women, and statistics demonstrate the average marriage now lasts about 7 years and 50% of all marriages end in divorce according to Business Insider. Some evidence suggests those in professions where both individuals possessed higher education, the relationships did last much longer.

Incidentally, I also saw a poster in a doctors office last year which reported birth control is only now proven to be only 50% effective if taken as prescribed. So some pregnancies may be a surprise, forcing strangers to become long term partners. Now you know why. Surprise or not responsibility to the child is required whether the couple stays together or lives apart and such situations have lead to abortion and adoptions which are emotionally devastating to women.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Do. Do. Do.

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Consequences of Commercialization

The patriarchal system of media mass marketing to men promotes unacceptable notions of women and teaches boys and men inappropriate values. Do breasts and bums sell more cars? Beer? Bars? Yes, only because men indulge in it and allow themselves to be influenced by propaganda. But men are also objectified and suffer feelings of inadequacies and low self esteem because they don't look like the Chipindale stripper at ladies night or the buff body with a six pack advertising gym memberships. Either way, objectification of anybody is immoral and devalues humans as a whole.

I must mention other concerns of women were workplace sexual harassment and lesser compensation in careers and foremost the promotion of women as objects useful only for sexual satisfaction with no valuable emotional connection but to mate and abandon them. Repeated abandonment, injures the ego, self confidence, and self esteem.

The dehumanization of all genders through prolific and violent pornography only exploits children, youth and adults alike. That it even is allowed to exist is demoralizing to our society and includes prostitution.

No girl should ever be in a position where she considers a career in pornography over that of higher education. For many of those exploited escorts and prostitutes are most often also victims of child molestation, incest and/or rape which perpetuates their cycle of self abuse, guilt and shame for which many a life ends in suicide or homicide. Would you give up pornography if it could save the lives of thousands of women? Then do it. No demand, thus no market.

Let alone should I continue to mention child marriage, child prostitution and global gendercide including domestic violence. Feminism has fiercely retaliated with extreme empowerment for women so perhaps now men also suffer proportionately as a result of backlash for generations of experienced submission and exploitation. So if they are hard to get, perhaps it is because they have learned to value self respect over instant sexual gratification through superficial hook ups and one night stand culture.

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Stereotypical Roles and Representation

There are different types of women who have different goals but the pressure to marry and breed is brainwashed into women by patriarchal systems be they political, social, economic or religious. For example, Disney Fairy Tales and marketing for instance only reinforces the damsel in distress and hero to the rescue scenario over and over again. And these pressures upon young girls and women creates unrealistic ideas of domestic life, and can put pressure on men to commit and conform perhaps before they are mature enough or ready.

Some men reject the idea of commitment or marriage all together, especially as a result of messy dramatic divorces and custody battles which favor the rights of the mother, a bias which remains within the court system. Often these experiences leave men hopeless, broken, traumatized and sometimes homeless and alone.

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Quality Not Quantity Matters Most

The Feminism movement indeed had positive effects on progressing equality rights for young women, and learned parents encourage their daughters to develop themselves through education, career and travel first.

Modern educated women are engaging and broadly experienced partners in the long term compared to the unfortunate woman with lesser education who may never know her own full potential for self actualization and achievement.

It is the same case for the uneducated and inexperienced young males who are also traditionally encouraged to be materially motivated, successful and competitive survivors. Fairy tale pairings are hindered from the start, but tradition pressured the young to marry early and have children immediately and through the thick and thin they ultimately stayed together longer for the sake of stability for the kids, not necessarily for love.

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Original Origins: Egalitarianism

Patriarchal systems, as we know them now and against popular belief, are not the natural social state of humanity. Patriarchy is typically described a system of social structures where men dominate, oppress and exploit women.

Anthropological evidence suggests prehistoric societies were egalitarian and neither patriarchal nor matriarchal. The opposite is elitism and an elite can be patriarchal or matriarchal preferring male or female gender dominance and in itself, either promotes inequality of one or the other.

Egalitarianism: Egalitarian doctrines are generally characterized by the idea that all humans are equal in fundamental worth or moral status.

Prehistoric (society) refers to the period of time between the development of stone tools and the development of writing systems. Even in an examination of different aboriginal tribes around the world, there were different models of social systems.

For instance, in the case of the Missing and Murdered Women and Girls in Canada, who suggest their pan Indigenous system was matriarchal, in the protests and inquiry process deliberately omitted the also true fact that there were just as many missing and murdered Indigenous men in Canada as women. The report revealed in actuality their own Indigenous men were most often guilty of a crime against a missing or murdered female in 70% of the cases. An example of elitism and gender bias within their culture they must honestly admit.

Yet, the Indigenous oppose elitism in colonial and patriarchal systems. Yes intergenerational trauma caused by systemic colonization was the root catalyst for their experienced injustices, I agree, it was also for the Metis. It is also important in the present for all Indigenous peoples to make every effort to halt the perpetual cycles of abuse and dysfunction as individuals and as a grander community which requires responsibility for the rehabilitation and recovery of the Indigenous.

Indigenous leadership can lead the way to healing in the best way and it ideally should address both males and females, as both genders suffered equally. Since the Indigenous desire equality, then hopefully they will also demonstrate equality for all genders within their communities. This includes recognizing the suffering of their men, the LGBTQ and two spirited people as a whole.

In closing, I wish to note all genders have experienced disparity and inequalities and every person's story is unique to their experience. There is a proliferation of isolation and disconnection experienced by men and it exists for women too but in a different way as mentioned.

It is important to recognize a more evolved approach to equality through ancient origins of progressive egalitarian principals; that all beings human and animals alike all merit worth and value in our world. As people and our world face the challenges ahead, shall we reflect upon the best in humanity and each other regardless of past hierarchical influences.

The Dalai Lama: Compassionate Ethics in Difficult Times

© 2020 Claudine Chaboyer

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    • Claudine Fleury profile imageAUTHOR

      Claudine Chaboyer 

      14 months ago from Alberta, Canada

      Thanks Vladmir, I truly appreciate your insightful commentary, very much appreciated. It is true and difficult to balance the promotion of individuality versus collective social well being in society. While being a unique individual is desirable, and we all are definitely, I think the mass media advertising on the "out for number one" mentality of capitalistic commercialism has also steered the vulnerable into an isolated place.

      Such things are harmful and reinforced stereotypes on television and I must admit, I dumped my cable years ago for an Android box to cut out the commercialism because it was affecting me so much. I worked as a market researcher collecting data for several years, and am well aware how corporations use data against individuals in the name of profit regardless of any ethics.

      So again, thanks much for the response. I know some of my topics are either controversial or sensitive and I always aim to close with diplomacy and tact. Salut!

    • ValKaras profile image

      Val Karas 

      15 months ago from Canada

      Claudine,

      Being an individualist of my own design and version I don't like generalizing -- while seeing societies only as a bunch of very unique individuals connected by territoriality, language, and other necessities of coexistence.

      However, if I wanted to get into a statistic-wise, global view on what has been happening with genders, I would probably spot quite some neurotic tendencies there -- inasmuch as we are just dragging a primitivistic tail of male supremacy all the way from tribal mentality. The one that we have failed to amputate despite an apparent step upward in consciousness evolution.

      Personally, I think that the issue of a "gender supremacy" is merely one of many totally unnecessary constructs of collective mind, just like racism, or religious/political antagonisms, all the way to making jokes about "dumb blondes".

      Psychologically, well, this is where I just have to stay loyal to my individualism -- there is nothing so uniform in either gender that would allow a theme of "who is more emotional and in which ways". While motherly instinct and a more mature approach to family may look like a template for woman's emotional profile, and man's adventurism and maybe genetically predisposed "hunter's" qualities seemingly makes him "tough" -- you and I both know that in real life those are poor indicators of anything.

      Hypothetically speaking, show me a gentle, artistic, spirited, vulnerable woman, and I'll show you a man of exactly same qualities -- which is equally true about a robust, career-oriented, ruthless, and manipulative type of both genders.

      So I totally agree with you that -- except for this crazy myth of man predestined to run the world, we all equally bleed under the skin, with a genetic potential to take any form of psycho-physical expression regardless of gender.

      I admire the way you put it all together, historically, socially, and psychologically, in this article.

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