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An LGBT Introvert's Struggle in Public Schools
My Unknown Closeted Agenda
I didn't actually realize that my interest in both genders wasn't normal until I reached 7th grade. During my time in elementary school, I was popular with both genders and LGBT wasn't largely discussed here, so I didn't really raise any questions about my sexuality until I started reflecting during my school year of middle school.
It was fine for me to not be straight, up until I gained the courage to ask a girl out.She seemed like one of those stereotypical perfect girls in hetero-normal films: smart, pretty, athletic, easy to converse with, seems nice.......and 100% heterosexual.
She openly rejected me in front of everyone, spammed my phone nonstop, and she and her friends harassed me at school. You can imagine how much that shook me up as a young teen that was trying to get past my mental and physical health problems and come to terms with myself.
Even after she stopped harassing me, her friends still didn't leave me alone. They even contacted my guidance counselor, who had done absolutely nothing to help me defend myself against 3 high-ability students who were the school's athletic stars. leave my house out of fear of having to deal with them again somewhere in public. My parents didn't even know the full story of what happened because I was too scared to come out to them. I came out to my mom later, and, not surprisingly, she didn't believe me. She didn't believe that I was anything beyond a hetero-romantic heterosexual.
I'm still not overly open about my sexuality at school since I learned that it was easier to not talk about that stuff with others. In that sense, I'm still "in the closet", but at the same time I'm already "out of the closet
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The Awkward INFP
For those of you who don't know, INFP is-
- It's also known as "The Mediator" personality type
Along with being an introvert, I'm also socially awkward. This didn't actually become a problem until middle school. I was always confident and sociable in elementary, but that confidence faltered as I entered 6th grade.
It became harder for me to open up to new groups of people, and I got even more panicked by the possibility of being surrounded by new groups of people. Luckily, my schedule didn't get moved around much in middle school, and I managed to mostly get placed in classes with people I knew, so it wasn't a problem.
However, you're kinda screwed over when you're entering a high school that has 1,000+ students. I was constantly surrounded by new kids, and I was lucky to become acquainted with at least one of them and then pray to every deity in existence that I'd have a class with them the following semester (I wasn't always that lucky).
A Silent Genius
Okay, genius might have been a bit of an exaggeration, but I think my point was still clear.
I'm an Honors/AP student who plans to study overseas while studying multiple languages at once. There's no way to actually say this in a blatant manner without coming out as arrogant, but I'm somewhat intelligent. However, being my anxious and introverted self, this wasn't always the greatest thing for me, and I think you can already guess why.
They never stopped calling on me in class! The teachers who had me prior and knew who quiet I was always made sure to call on me even more, which was a nightmare for me. I would have been perfectly content with silently observing the lesson and maybe volunteering out of my own will to do so.
Yes, I might be a good writer. Yes, I might know the answer to the question. Yes, my answer might have been different from other people's response. No, I do NOT wish to be called on to share my answer or what I have written.
As much as I wish I could avoid those struggles of praying that I know people in my classes and that the teachers won't call on me, and I'm not afraid to share my internal rainbow, it's something that I can't avoid. One of these days this might not be much of an issue, but for now, I guess I'll have to keep on struggling.
Which problem did you relate to the most?
© 2017 Hyeseok Min