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Botch & Bungle

Updated on January 18, 2013

Welcome to Botch & Bungle

This light-hearted lens is devoted to funny failures, laughable losers, and entertaining "errorists".


If you've lived for any length of time on planet earth, you're bound to have backed the wrong horse, barked up the wrong tree, or bit the hand that fed you. Chances are you've also committed a faux-pas, floundered, or fallen flat on your face at least once on the Yellow Brick Road of life. If not, then pray that you don't end up with Sisyphus on the rockpile in hell, or lose your halo while navigating those surprise speed bumps in heaven.


So, without further ado, here's a toast and a tribute to the terrific twits who comprise the ever popular Botch & Bungle Brigade!


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Image Credit: Glen Fairchild@flickr.com

I don't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up...but I'm sure it wasn't this.

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Have you ever noticed that bobbling, botching, and bungling are easy things to do if one is a boza without a brain?

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Image Credit: clipartof.com/cowboy

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

-- Napoleon Bonaparte --

LET'S CELEBRATE THE SUCCESS OF ANOTHER SUB-OPTIMAL SPECIES!

And, if you're not impressed with the wisdom of these wonderful wild critters, then at least try then bite into this nice nugget of knowledge:

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." (Albert Einstein)

"What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day."

-- George Bernard Shaw --

TWO WRONGS ARE ONLY A BEGINNING...

You know what they say, "Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come" (and the many calamity-prone clueless characters who create them)!

So, it's not surprising that there are plenty of entertaining epithets one can sprinkle serendipitously around the workplace and home to lift everyone's spirits on those dark days when dweebs, dorks, and duffuses rule the world.

-- Adulterated Ardvaark

-- Angel of Absurdity & Arguments That Don't Hold Water

-- Baron of Blank Looks

-- Betty Boo-Boo(bs)

-- Blunder Bob

-- Breath of Bemuddlement & Bewilderment

-- Brilliant Botchmeister

-- Clueless Cleavage

-- Credible Crapper

-- Cretan of Confoundment & Credulity

-- Dabbler in Dross & Dazzling Diversions

-- Deity of Dangling Modifiers

-- Dean of Dupes & Dunces

-- Diva of Delusions & Distortions

-- Distinguished Dumpster-Diver

-- Duchess of Dithering

-- Duke of Divots & Doorknobs

-- Father of Fathomless Facts

-- Frank Flub or Francis Flopper

-- Guardian of Galling Gloom & Disturbing Doom

-- Goofball Gladiator

-- Great American/Canadian Gaffer

-- Horrid Humble Pie Eater

-- Icon of Imperfections & Inaccuracies

-- Inconvenient Informationist

-- Lady of Laboriously Lame Excuses

-- Lord Lapses In Good Judgment

-- Madam Muff & Miss the Boat

-- Manager of Mangling & Mixups

-- Manager of Missteps & Misprints

-- Master of Misconception & Misunderstanding

-- Missionary of Miscalculation & Misreckoning

-- Mistress of Misconstruction & Misinterpretation

-- Mother of Mismanagement

-- Patently Preposterous Projects Leader

-- Prince/Princess of Perversion & Perplexity

-- Professor of Propitious Propensities

-- Queen of Quandaries & Quagmires

-- Sir Snarl & Slip-Up

-- Twisted Tongue Depresser

-- Vice President of the Vacuous Void

-- Wizard of Wassup & Whatchamacallit

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Image Credit: Andy Hart@flickr.com

TWITS TOURNAMENT

BEWARE OF BLUNDERING BROWNIES...

Where will you find blundering brownies, masters of maladroit matters, and time-wasting twits?

If truth be told, fishy fault-finding folks can be found in a variety of light-hearted and sometimes ludicrously laughable locations, including but not limited to the following:

-- Academy of Amusing Absurdities & Aberrations

-- Band of Blundering Brownies

-- Covert Cover-Up Committee

-- Constipated Conspicuants Club

-- Coven of Crestfallen Cleavage

-- Crackpots & Crockpots Collective

-- Dorks, Dweebs, & Deadwood Department

-- Department of Do Nothing

-- Disapproving & Disparaging Remarks

-- Hocus-Pocus Focus Group

-- Order of Outstanding Omissions & Oversights

-- Nonplussed Nitpickers Network

-- Sordid & Sundry Snafus Society

-- Task Force on Tainted Truthiness

-- The Federation of Flashing Astonishers

-- University of Uttterly Useless Undertakings

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Image Credit: Illustration of blundering Brownies by Palmer Cox, 1840-1924, yount2@flickr.com

THIS CRISIS CALLS FOR SOMETHING CREATIVE...

POLITICALLY-CORRECT PEOPLE NEVER USE THE "F" WORD

The world, and more particularly the workplace, is awash in sanitized if not soulless speech.

Perhaps this is due to a surfeit of schlemiels, schleppers, schmucks who inhabit our politically-correct planet run by policitians, pop-stars and potentates.

Have you ever noticed that politically-correct people never use the "F" word? Have you ever noticed that politically-correct people never use the "F" word?

Politically-correct pundits prefer to use such entertaining euphemisms for a "failure" or "frequent flubber" as:

barely adequate personality with a big heart

deferred success achiever

differently advantage member of society

differently interesting human being

differently qualified individual

half-wit in half-hearted matters

incompletely successful individual

indefinitely idled individual

individual with temporarily unmet objectives

involuntarily leisured person

master of maladroit matters

one whose dotting of the i's and crossing of the t's leaves a little something to be desired

one who is gifted in art of slaying flowers faux-pas's with a light sabre

one who is pursuing a non-traditional path through life

one who enjoys an intrinsic aptitude for underachievement

one who exhibits a surplus of unintended consquences

one who has experienced a strategic skill mix misalignment

out of the mainstream individual

person enjoying a qualified success

severely euphemized soul

uniquely-fortuned person on an alternative career path

uniquely coordination character

uniquely proficient individual

"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork."

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-- Edward Abbey --

I Am Not Perfect Poll

Who is the most lovable loser of all time?

See results

"When it comes to corporate blunders, CEOs invoke the concept of the Virgin Birth."

-- Warren Buffett, CEO of U.S. investment firm, Berkshire Hathaway, in his 2001 letter to shareholders.

GURU OF GLITCH

To be the leader of losers, you have to develop a spear de corps!

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Image Credit: Chud Tsankov Illustrations@flickr.com

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

-- Thomas A. Edison, American inventor --

PITFALLS OF THE PEN

Here is a parade of pen pitfalls and narrative non sequiturs proving once again that mistakes can be mirthful, particularly in the case of mini manuscripts by mixed-up motor-vehicle drivers when asked to complete insurance forms (as briefly as possible) explaining the circumstances surrounding their accident.

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"The accident was entirely due to the road bending."

"I misjudged a lady crossing the street."

"A cow wandered into my car. I was later informed that the unfortunate cow was half-witted."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident."

"One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator, leaped across the road to the other side, and jumped into the trunk of a tree."

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Literary Source: "Anguished English - An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language" by Richard Lederer, pp. 38-43, 1990 Bantam Book edition.

Image Credit: Glen Fairchild@flickr.com

FALLING DOWN ON THE JOB ISN'T ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses, And all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again!

-- A collection of curious conclusions that can be drawn from this cautionary tale include:

"It never pays to be the fall-guy!"

"Never leave home without crazy glue!"

"Going belly-up isn't a viable career alternative."

"There are some things in life that are far worse than getting egg on one's face."

"Falling short of one's expectations is okay, provided you have a golden parachute."

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Image Credit: Bill Mayer@flickr.com

SENSATIONAL SINNERS FROM THE "GOOD BOOK"

When it comes to flawed folk, moral misadventurists and winsome wrong-doers, God has a treasure chest of tainted talent from which to choose.

More often than not God has to scrape the bottom of the barrel which it comes to saving souls. Frankly, many people come with a checkered past, a shaky present, and an uncertain future. However, if truth be told, God gets a real kick out of working with lovable losers be they alternatively schooled advanced readiness seminar participants (uneducated), cerebro-atmospheric individuals (fools), economically-marginalized members of society (poor), emotionally-disoriented individuals (depressed), sobriety-deprived persons (alcoholics) or persons with pharmalogical preferences (addicts), members of a career-offending cartel (criminals), or persons presenting themselves as commodity allotments within a business doctrine (prostitutes).

In the "Church of Pathetic People", God always finds a place in the pages of the "Good Book" for fallible followers like:

Noah who got drunk.

Abraham who lied about his wife.

Jacob who was a deceiver.

Moses who murdered an Egyptian.

Rahab who was a harlot.

Samson who had serious problems with lust and anger.

David who was an adulterer.

Paul who persecuted the church.

Peter who denied Christ.

When splendid sinners, lovable losers, miserable misfits, and fantastic failures band together amazing things happen. Yup, the seas part, the walls come tumbling down, while the remaining handful of beautiful people all leave to frolic in the hollyfuds and check out those rosy red apples in the Garden of Eden!

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Image Credit: Sister Wanda@flickr.com

Religious references: Why God Chooses Splendid Sinners & Lovable Losers

"Your village called, their idiot is missing."

A SILLY SONG FOR SPLENDID SINNERS

Is is true that not all blokes and blockheads are created equal? - Yes, because at least incompletely successful folks know that ...

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - giftsforblokes.com.au/vimrod_journal_pub_lg.jpg

"Success and failure are greatly overrated. But failure gives you a whole lot more to talk about."

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Hildegard Knef, (1925-1984), German Actress, singer, and writer

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...

you're running about average. - M. H. Alderson, soccer coach

reboot for pity's sake!

try heckling someone else, it's way more fun.

redefine what you mean by "success"!

the world may be your lobster.

try to hide your astonishment.

fake it, everybody else does!

blame your computer server.

failure may be your style. - Quentin Crisp, author

try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it. - Dilbert's Rules of Work

try a new line of business.

get off the damned bus!

find another God!

quite sucking on eggs and lemons!

get new batteries.

try hunting for heffalumps or wockets in pockets!

pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

keep on sucking till you do succeed. - Curly Howard of the Three Stooges

call it version 1.0.

become a weather forecaster.

hit control, alt, delete!

maybe it's time to take a tax loss.

find out if the loser gets anything. - Bill Lyon, author

take a nap! -- Vicki Sue, comedian

call in an air strike. - Murphy's Laws of Combat

skydiving is not for you. - Wendy Northcutt, author, "Darwin Awards"

there is always next year. - Procrastinator's Creed

destroy all evidence that you tried.

delegate it and let some other schmuck deal with it!

And remember, it doesn't matter how many A's you get, you can still still flunk life!

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Image Credit: Janos Szudi@flickr.com

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."

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Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), English author, dramatist and musician

In the inimitable words of Douglas Adams ...

"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was difficult to tell which was which."

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Image Credit: JoeAlterio at flickr.com

PERSPECTIVES ON LAUGHTER & LIFE

"Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it."

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-- Cullen Hightower --

DEFEAT IS NOT THE SOUL DESTINY OF DINGBATS, DWEEBS & DORKS!

In a world that only admires "winners", it's amazing all the entertaining euphemisms that exist for the rest of us.

a bag full of hammers, also-ran

bad penny, bankrupt, bellyacher, bird turd, biscuit-eater, biscuit-hound, bitcher, blob, bludger, blunderer, boofer, born loser, botcher, bozo, brainless wonder, bum, bumpkin, bump on a log, bungler

castaway, chawbacon, cod, codplate, coffee cooler, crapper, create the wrong impression, cropper, crow-eater

dandyprat, deadbeat, dead duck, defaulter, deluded, derelict, dim bulb, dimwit, dingbat, dirt-dobber, dirt-scratcher, doodlebug, dogmeat, dork, drop-kick, dud, duffus, dull pickle, dumb cluck, dummkopf, dunce, dunderhead, dust bunny, dweeb

egg-sucker

failure, fit for the dust bowl, fizzle, flash in the pan, flunker, flip, floor flusher, flunker, forfeiter, founderer, fuckup, fumbler

gold-bricker, goner, good-for-nothing, gooseberry, gully dirt

half-wit, has-been, hayseed, hick, horrid horn, horse's ass, houseplant, humpty-dumpty

incompetent, insolvent

Jack with the feather, Joe Crap, Joe Shit, junky

klutz

lead balloon, lemon, little shot, loafer, loon, loser, louse-up, lumpy, lunchmeat, lunch pail

makes a mess of everything, mess-up, might-have-been, misguided, misinformed, misjudged the facts, misunderstood, mixed-up kid, moocher, muddler, mullock

neb, never-was(er), nickel-and-dimer, niffy-naffy fellow, no account, n'er-do-well, nerd, nerk, nincompoop, nobody, noddipol, noddy pate, no-good, nonentity, non-performer, non-starter, not all there, not worth a damn, not worth speaking of, not worth the trouble, nullity, numbnuts

of no earthly use, one who can blow it out is ear, one who bombs or blows it, one who misses the boat, one who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it, one who is out to lunch

piddler, pie-eater, phlizz, pig meat pipsqueak, pissant, putz, prodigal

rube, runt

scapegrace, schlemiel, schlepper, schmuck, screw-up, Silly Willy, skanker, slip a cog, sparrow-fart, sinking ship, skunk, sub-optimal species, sucker

teabag, total twit, trifler, two sandwiches short of a picnic, turkey

underachiever, underdog, useless S.O.B.

washout, Willy Wonka, wipeout, wreck

yahoo,yokel, yutz

zero, zipperhead, zipperlid

BLOOPERS FROM THE BOOB TUBE

MISTAKE OR MENDACITY?

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

TO ERR OR NOT TO ERR THAT IS THE QUESTION...

Err, v.i. To believe or act in a way contrary to my beliefs and actions.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" --

THOR THE THUMBHAMMER

"Thor The Thumhammer" was not your average, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum sort of hero.

He was a pleasant enough sort of putz with a penchant for pogo sticks and pandemonium. If truth be told, problem-solving had always been high on his list of things he liked doing besides wiggling his ears, touching his toes, gazing at his navel, and tooting his own horn when the spirit of something moved him.

However, it had been a long time since he had been called upon to duck a dilemma, quelch a quandary or obliterate an obstacle. If truth be told, it had been ages since he stomped on something (other than grapes in Uncle Knut's vineyard) or smashed anything to smithereens (except an ant hill he squished when he was three-year's old).

In fact, his boss had often said that "Thor was about as useful as a bag of hammers in a jello factory". His colleagues knew that if left to his own devices, "he couldn't even toast marshmallows in a toaster". And his mother had to admit that her son could just about make a sandwich and that was it.

It was not surprising then that Thor decided sticking his thumb in his ear would be about as close as he would ever get to get to "nailing down" the top spot in the company.

Moral to this Miserable Myth: If you want to make a name for yourself on this planet and earn big bucks, spend some time in the Gagrakacka Mind Zone, befriend a computer named "Harl", and sign up for a safe expedition to hunt for heffalumps and wockets (neither of which have ever been seen let alone captured).

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Image Credit: dutchb0y@flickr.com

"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence."

-- Bertrand Russell --

PATHETIC PERSON POLL

What is a batie-bummel?

See results

FOR FAIL-SAFE FOODIES ONLY

Those who want to improve their level of insufficiency and ineptitudue should consider enrolling in the following fail-safe food and cockammie culinary courses:

-- Why Do They Call It Hamburger When Its Made of Beef?

-- The Pro's and Cons of Cooking Your Own Goose

-- How To Handle Hot Potatoes Without Muffs or Mitts

-- How To Get Out of A Pickle Using Pith & Vinegar

-- Gourmet Gobblers - How To Make Tasty Tapas (For Turkey-Basters Only)

-- How To Lay an Egg Without Cracking Up

-- Why Chicken Little Will Never Taste The Same Again

-- How To Gut A Kettle of Fish Without Killing Yourself Or Your Appetite

-- How to Get Out of Hot Water When You're a Lousy Lobster

-- How to Avoid Opening a Can Of Worms When You're Fishing For Compliments

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Image Credit: idrumalot4@flickr.com

WHAT THE HECK IS "HADIVIST"?

It's an old interjection, or an entertaining expression of regret for making a mistake, a pang of remorse for having done something in ignorance, as if to say, "If I had only known!", "I wish I had thought of it before!", "Had I had my head screwed on properly, this never would have happened!"

"TO ERR IS HUMAN BUT ...

to forgive, infrequent." -- Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960) American journalist, radio personality, and witty translator of Latin poetry

when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it." -- J. Jenkins

to moo is bovine."

to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

to forgive is not company policy."

to get paid for it is divine.

it feels divine." -- Mae West, (1893-1980), American actress, playwright, screenwriter, sex symbol, and double-entendre diva

to forgive is divine...neither of which is the policy of the U.S. Marine Corps!"

to blame someone else takes management skills."

to admit it; superhuman.-- Doug Larson, American newspaper columnist and editor

indecipherable error messages are unforgivable.

to really foul things up you need a computer." - Paul Ehrlich, scientist and Nobel laureate

to err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." - Berton Averre

MISTAKES MAKE THE MAVEN!

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, at at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

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-- Marilyn Monroe, (1926-1962), American actress --

MEET THE FUCK-UP FAIRY...

(also known as the "Fickle Finger of Fate" and "Fairy Godmother of The Faux-Pas"), she takes great pleasure in delivering fabulous fiascos and fantastic flops to more than a few fallible folks."

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Image Credit: Chud Tsankov Illustration@flickr.com

SPEAKING OF THE LADDER TO SUCCESS...

If your ladder is leaning against the wrong wall, you fall into rabbit holes, and you find yourself up a creek without a paddle, maybe you should conclude that some people like you suffer from "dumb luck"!

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

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-- John Kenneth Galbraith from "Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went" --

HAPPY HO HO HO HOLIDAYS FROM THE BOTCH & BUNGLE BOYS

The prime suspects involved a cockammie Christmas caper who got caught trying to deliver toys (that did not have either EPA or the Good Housekeeping seal of approval) to innocent little girls and boys.

NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!

How to Be a Complete and Utter Failure in Life, Work & Everything: 44 1/2 Steps to Lasting Underachievement
How to Be a Complete and Utter Failure in Life, Work & Everything: 44 1/2 Steps to Lasting Underachievement

Uniquely-gifted underachievers will really appreciate this boost to their brilliant blundering record of success.

 
The Road to Success is Paved with Failure : How Hundreds of Famous People Triumphed Over Inauspicious Beginnings, Crushing Rejection, Humiliating Defeats and Other Speed Bumps Along Life's Highway
The Road to Success is Paved with Failure : How Hundreds of Famous People Triumphed Over Inauspicious Beginnings, Crushing Rejection, Humiliating Defeats and Other Speed Bumps Along Life's Highway

If a tosspot Tinman, swiftless Scarecrow and lamentable Lion can overcome their sensational shortcomings...then these stories will be warm the cockles of any hapless hubris-prone personality!

 
Alice in Blunderland: A Parable for Our Times
Alice in Blunderland: A Parable for Our Times

Those who love boo-boos, blunders, and botch-ups will appreciate this little gem!

 

GIGGLES AND GUFFAWS FROM OUR GUESTS - C'mon, fess up, haven't you ever landed in a pickle, put a foot in your mouth, or fallen flat on your face? What do you me

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Happy April Fools Day!

    • williemack58 profile image

      williemack58 5 years ago

      Yes and those blunders or goofs are fine when you are able to laugh at yourself.

    • lollyj lm profile image

      Laurel Johnson 8 years ago from Washington KS

      hahahahaha. Loved this. I am the fubar fairy and a writer with one (or maybe two) fan(s).

      Laughed out loud here. 5 and fave to you.