Conscious Awareness of Who You Are
"You are what your deep driving desire is. As your desire, so is your will, as your will, so is your thought, as your thought, so is your deed, as your deed so is your destiny"-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad
Tonight I am thinking of three words. Perfection in Motion.
Each and every individual life is perfection in motion and as soon as we accept this, the more space we have with with to work. It is the meaning of being in the NOW.
We see that as each moment unfolds, there is freshness, openness, a wide open space.
As I write this I am reminded of an incident that happened as I was to graduate from the graduate school.
I needed to send my transcripts to Caltech, The Salk Institute and the University of Washington for my post doc applications.
We had files of it in the Department and when I went to the secretary she said, “Oh, I do not have time right now, would you just please go and get it yourself from the files.”
These files are all confidential and since I am about to graduate I can now see my files.
To my shock, indignation, and immediate fury, I saw a letter from one of my professors that said he declined to recommend me for the East West Center Scholarship and in it he wrote "We feel that she is not Ph.D. material."
Needless to say, I was furious, I copied my transcripts, dashed out of the office and ran through the campus and went to this professor’s office. I had never felt so angry.
He was there. As I refused to sit on the chair across him in his office and he could see my face, all red he knew this was not a friendly visit.
I was on my second year of graduate school when I applied for the scholarship and that particular scholarship would have meant a lot of FREE money.
To a graduate student who gets paid very little, it meant the difference between graduating in 5 or 6 years or 4 years.
As I faced him with a very even voice, I was standing while he was sitting on the chair behind his massive desk, I asked him about the letter he wrote on behalf of the Department, I said "Who exactly did you mean by We in this letter?" and I proceeded to enumerate the distinguished members of my committee [of which he was not a part of].
After he got over the fact that I was never meant to see that letter, he apologized profusely and said I should have said "I" and "Can you forgive me?"
I could see he meant it. And in that moment, I realized, “I am graduating. You wanted to hurt me then, but really it does not matter now.”
I came to my senses. An angry student confronting a professor who made a decision five years before. What does it all matter now?
I said, calmly at this time "There is nothing to forgive. Had I gotten the scholarship I would have been obligated to go back to the Philippines with my American husband, whether he wanted to or not. That was the stipulation of the scholarship. So thank you for saving my husband that choice. I just wanted to know" and then I walked out.
Years later, many, many years later, he contacted me. We have both been divorced and he wanted to "see" me and finally admitted that he had been in love with me since he saw me in his class and wanted me to stay as long as possible in graduate school.
It was the same reason he had given me a D in one of the reports. He wanted me to re-do the experiments in his laboratory. It was a good thing I only needed a B average for the whole course taught by 5 professors. I made it and did not have to do the class all over again. I had also obtained the Soroptimist Club International Dissertation Scholarship. A great honor for a woman graduate student.
It is hilarious now that I look at it. When I said "I am flattered but, no." He subsequently married one of the women he was dating at the time.
The point in all this is that:
1. I was greatly disappointed that I did not get the scholarship at the time I applied and I had no idea why I did not get it. Had I known the reason I would have been so angry and probably would have done something I would regret later.
2. I moved on and was happy with my life. Blissful being married and doing my work with the most fantastic woman I have ever met, my mentor. It took me six years to finish but I had mostly fun doing it.
3. I graduated and went on to do my Post doc at a great institution and not only that, I had choices of where to go.
4. Had he approached me for sexual advances while I was in graduate school, it would have been devastating for his career and I probably would have quit.
It was all perfection in motion which I am now able to see from a distance.
We have this choice. Moment to moment we can accept this moment as full, perfect and complete in and by itself.
I urge you to look at your own life right NOW and see where your discomfort is.
You will see that it is springing from something that you think as imperfection, when the easiest thing to do is to ACCEPT this moment as it is.
Pay attention to your breath. Where did your thought and worry go? This is awareness. With it comes peace, and with peace comes power. Paradoxical but truth nevertheless.
I wish you moment to moment peace. You have this power to choose what to focus on at every moment. Take it.
Focus on the good, the beautiful, the sublime. It is who you are. You have simply forgotten. Take the time to remember it with every breath you take, consciously.
© 2010 by Melinda M. Sorensson