Divorce, Depression, and Determination
So, there's this really bad thing that I was convinced would never happen to me. I thought it wasn't possible. I thought our marriage was unshakable. Well, unfortunately I was wrong.
I'm not going to get into what happened to create this situation. Those matters are private, and I'd rather not have them all over the internet. I will tell you about the earliest days of the divorce.
I suffer from a whole slew of mental problems. I'm not going to get into them in this particular post, mainly because I don't want this post to be 100,000 words long.
So, on the short list I suffer from chronic depression.
The divorce has not been kind to me, but I think I've managed it well enough.
I remember the night it was at its worst. It was about a month into the situation, before I was able to move out of the house. I'd spent as much of my time as possible sitting in my room and reading or working on my college school work. I didn't want to be seen. But, by that point I'd not had a complete breakdown. That came the next night. I got out of bed and went to work. I even walked into the building and sat down at my cubicle, but I couldn't bring myself to log into the computer. I spent twenty minutes staring at myself in the dark computer screen. I didn't know who I was at that point. That was when I made my decision. That was when I decided to kill myself.
I was petrified.
I did the only thing I could think of. I told my supervisor what was going on, a brief overview of what had been going on with my wife, and I told him I was going to go out to my car because I was afraid I was going to kill myself. I told him I was going to try to get to the hospital.
I went out to my car, and I messaged my wife. I told her what was happening and asked her to come and take me to the hospital. We cried it out together, supporting one another as much as we could through text message. And, by the end of that I no longer wanted to die. Something new had been planted.
I sat in the car for about two more hours. I was there until I'd cried myself dry, then I cleaned up and went back inside. I thanked my supervisor for not calling an ambulance on me, and I went to work. It was almost like nothing had happened.
Something had happened though. Something very important.
I made a decision.
I made what was one of the most important decisions of my life.
I decided I would not be controlled by the depression. I would not let that madness and disease dictate how I was going to live my life. Instead of being swallowed by it, I decided I was going to use the depression as fuel for a new fire.
I took every ounce of the depression I felt and I redirected it. I turned it around and made it productive. I took this horrible thing that had happened to me, and I decided I was going to make something good come out of it.
A Show of Hands
How many of you have battled the depression caused by a divorce?
Just as one final note, I will say that I am not a medical professional. You should not take any of the advice I give as medical advice, and should consult your psychiatrist or therapist before implementing any techniques, discussed herein, into your routine.