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Do You Really Want to Commit Suicide?

Updated on May 17, 2013

You have decided enough is enough, for whatever reason you want to end your life as you can't bear to live anymore, but stop, think for a moment, and listen to the words of someone who has been there, didn't succeed, and is still grateful for the fact she survived, namely me!

When I was 17 I was still a virgin and had never been in love. It was now that I met a much older, married man, who basically seduced young girls as a challenge. He paid me attention, romanced me, and in my naivety I fell for him totally and allowed him to be my first.

Quickly after he lost interest, and then when the affair came to light, he managed to convince everyone that he was the victim and I was some kind of harlot/ marriage wrecker. His wife added to this, (in spite of the fact he had done this to her many times before as I later found out), and before I knew it I was getting beaten up by the crowd of teenagers I hung out with, not to mention the fact his wife beat me up once too. It seemed strange so many people believed him, as at the time he was 35 and I was only 17-18 and had been a virgin when I met him. I also heard he had done the exact same thing to a young girl a year earlier, and essentially chewed her up and spat out the pieces.

My social life died a death, as by now I was barred from the hotel where he was lead singer in the band at his wife's request. I had few friends left, and yet all of those same friends were happy to talk to him.

Having dumped me, I was left feeling completely abandoned, and desperate to change his mind, I turned into what you would probably describe as a stalker, turning up at his work and even staking out his house. Whenever I saw him I made sure I was in full makeup and looking as sexy as I possibly could. By now I was at the stage of being grateful even if he agreed to sleep with me, (which he did on occasion), never mind leaving his wife for me. It didn't last long, and he basically wanted rid of me and was telling our mutual male friends they could have me now, as if I was some kind of old car or something.

I even tried avoiding him for 6 months, and then turning up out of the blue, which succeeded in as much as he slept with me again, but he also went on to dump me again, almost immediately.

Things got so bad I truly didn't want to carry on living, and I was only 18, (this situation had dragged on for well over a year). I remembered his wife had once told me that the best way to commit suicide and make sure it worked, was to take Paracetamol, as the liver would fail and the damage was irreversible. I took the decision to go out and buy a large bottle of these tablets, and one day, when I was on my own in my place of employment, I began to take the tablets until I had taken a total of 12. I would have taken more but for the fact there was no water left in the company kettle, (and we didn't have any water supply of our own within the building), and I guess the second reason, if I am honest, is that deep down I really wanted to live, and this was just a cry for help.

At the end of my working day I headed home feeling very sleepy and sick. For the following 12 hours I spent most of my time retching down the toilet, and feeling completely out of it. Of course my Mother was really worried, so I finally told her why I was being so ill. She was horrified, and of course the fury she already had towards this man was majorly intensified.

Once I recovered I felt much better, and I guess it could have been alot more serious if I had taken more than the 12 tablets I did. As it was I had been told that anything over 8 tablets was likely to cause damage to the liver, so quite possibly I did do some damage, but thankfully I am still here to tell the tale.

Shortly after, I realised the only way to mend my broken heart was to leave the island of Guernsey and head for pastures new, i.e. the UK mainland. I left on December 10th 1988, and I rapidly underwent a dramatic recovery from my depression. Suddenly I found I was having fun again and I didn't need to worry about being beaten up whenever I went out of the house. I felt like a new person, with a life to lead, and believe me I was very grateful my suicide attempt hadn't been successful.

For the next 13 years or so I had some pretty tough times in the UK, three years in an abusive violent relationship where the guy went off and married his ex-girlfriend whilst still engaged to me, even losing my Husband to Bowel/Colon Cancer, but I survived them all, in spite of contemplating suicide a number of times throughout those difficult years. Each time I thought I couldn't sink any lower, or life could only get better, something seemed to happen that tested my resolve to stay alive, and I did.

I even made the worst mistake of getting involved with the original man who had caused my first suicide attempt, again, over 13 years later, and yet again he proved to be a nightmare after he persuaded me to move to Tenerife with him. Two and a half years of hell later, we split, and ultimately we both ended back in Guernsey separately from each other, at which point he began telling everyone, including his new Wife, what a psycho I had been to live with. Strange when you consider he was now on his fourth marriage, yet I had still only had one marriage, and that only ended because my Husband had died from the Cancer.

Frustratingly many people seemed to believe his version of events, and this did drag me down emotionally again, as it was largely my word against his, although by now his new Wife no doubt has a pretty good idea of what type of person she has married, (3 years later), especially as she was a decent person and her and I did end up getting on very well once she saw I was no threat to her.

There are no truly good reasons to commit suicide, and no matter how bad things seem, they do get better. I am now happily married to my second Husband, I have three cats, a fishing lake, and a fantastic relationship with my Mum and Step Dad, all in all life is rosy, and I could so easily have been dead now and missed out on all of this.

If you did choose to commit suicide, how would you do it. Surely there is no good way to do it, and it is always avoidable.

Consider that slashing your wrists would not only be painful, but is a really hard thing to do, and if you do survive you will no doubt be scarred for life.

Taking an overdose of something like Paracetamol is a horrendous and very painful death.

Jumping off a building or cliff has got to be a really nasty way to die, and one that will take at least several seconds of you probably wishing you hadn't made the decision to jump, but it is now too late.

Shooting yourself is a violent death, and if you get it wrong you could end up being a vegetable for life.

Throwing yourself under a train or a vehicle, is not only unfair on the poor person driving the vehicle involved who has to live with this horror for the rest of their life, but is surely a very unpleasant way to die by any stretch of the imagination.

Drowning yourself, just imagine the panic of not being able to breathe and having to try and fight your way to the surface. Once you regret it, it is too late, but you can't go back.

Hanging yourself is also a nasty way to die. Either you break your neck, (well at least that is quick), or you suffocate to death struggling to get air and wishing your hadn't kicked that chair way which now seems so far out of reach. Imagine the horror of the poor relative or friend who has to find you like this later!

Think about your family, what will they suffer and will they blame themselves for not having seen the signs coming? Your actions could wreck their lives too, and is that what you want for them?

My Mother had already lost both her Brothers, her Mother, her Husband and our Cousin within the previous two years. Can you begin to put yourself in her position if she had lost a daughter as well? I doubt she would have survived it on top of everything else.

Nine times out of ten, an attempted suicide is a cry for help, but not everyone gets it right, and all too often the end result is that you are dead anyway, even if that was not your intention deep down. You leave family and friends bereft and suffering, frequently with many unanswered questions, and all for what, the fact you couldn't ride through the problems and survive to come out of the other side!

You would be amazed at what you can live through and come out of the other side, even if it doesn't seem so at the time. You will be a stronger person for it, and may well go on to counsel others, (be it friends or professionally) who feel much the same as you once did. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter how low you feel, the only way is up.

You can survive school bullying, I did, and although I was incredibly miserable at the time, I am still here to tell the story. Take self-defence classes, you will be able to take control of your life back and gain confidence. Once the bullies realise you are capable of defending yourself and hurting them, they will move on to easier victims. Be there for those new victims, and advise them of how to solve this problem as you have done. Most of all do not be afraid to tell a teacher, as this is what the bullies dread most, (hence the threats of what will happen to you if you do), and when I found the courage to do this my problems instantly ceased.

Take it from someone who has been there, life is for living, and in spite of all it has to throw at you, there will be many times ahead of you that make it worth having persevered through the difficult and painful times.

If you are a friend, family member or acquaintance of someone who you believe may be suicidal, read my second article linked to below in order to find out the danger signs you need to be looking out for.

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  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
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    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    I am sorry everyone, but I really do need a break from answering these comments for now. It is emotionally exhausting, and I want you all to see that life can still be fabulous if you give it time, no matter how young or old you are. Please understand that I have not given up on any of you, I just can't offer helpful advice if I am emotionally exhausted myself. I urge you to at least read all of the comments here and see that there can be a great life ahead if you persevere and don't think what is happening right now, or what you are feeling right now, is all that you can hope for in life.

    I hope to re-allow comments again in the future.

    Stay strong and live long :)

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
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    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Well done 'Today' I am so glad you have a good man in your life and feel strong and happy again. Keep up the good work and be happy :)

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
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    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Mildred, I am so sorry for what you have just been through. I sincerely hope you have called the Police as there is no way you are doing your children any favours by not reporting their Father as a monster rapist. Right now you are bound to feel awful and probably blaming yourself and feeling worthless. You should not feel this way, you have been attacked, and need to make sure this is dealt with and you never have to go through this again. Don't let this man drive you to an action you don't deserve. You kind of summed it up in your comment: "I love my kids and granddaughter they are my full life I will die for them in a heartbeat", well if you feel that strongly about dying for them, then you should feel that strongly about living for them! What do you think they would choose?

  • profile image

    Today 5 years ago

    I got committed to a hospital with suicidal people I didn't try to commit suicide but they thought my story ofyy life wasn't real my husband and I startedto go through a divorce and we did get one we both wanted to be together still but the families were trying to keep us apart my mom committed me when I got out my husband and I hot remarried two years later I know he is everything to me my mom says I m going to get committed again but im an adult with a job husband friends and a home I take care of my self and my family she can say what she wants but I'm proud of myself I lived through it and I'm better for it believe me I'm slot smarter now maybe people think differently ofe because I'm remarried to the same guy but I think it great to have my best friend my husband back and two years later we are still together my mom puts him down but I know he is a good man he saved me and I am grateful he did god works all things toward good for those who believe in him

  • profile image

    Mildred 5 years ago

    Hello people thanks for showing me some of the pics who had sliced there arm up did that before and showing coffins I've been to more funerals that I can count :( I have just been raped and by my x boyfriend my kids father now I feel like committing suicide because it seems like this is never going to end for me... but I also don't want to do cause of how much I love my kids and granddaughter they are my full life I will die for them in a heartbeat... why do my heart and mind want to end my own life? is that normal?

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
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    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi 'Don't know what name I should give', not sure of an answer on this either. It sounds to me like you have overdone the studying and almost burnt yourself out. Perhaps your best bet is to pull out of study for a year and go back in a year's time and finish your exams. Perhaps a school counselor would be a good person to talk to about how you are feeling. Certainly at the moment I feel you need a break of some description as you could push yourself into a breakdown otherwise. I really don't think getting someone else to write your thesis is a good idea, and you would always feel guilty even if you found someone to do it for you. Talk to your family about this as well, and make them realise how frustrated you are feeling right now. You might even be suffering from depression caused by stress, and a Doctor could help you with this through anti-depressants if you go and speak to one.

    Good Luck

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Well Jim, you have not really left me with many options as to what to say. The obvious would be you have children, so why would you put your own feelings of degradation first? You are also 44, so plenty of life left in you yet to meet someone. For goodness sake don't rely on personal ads, there are loads of far better ways to meet someone than this, e.g. joining sports clubs, taking up hobbies, night school classes etc. You will meet the woman who loves you and wants to be with you, but you can't decide when it will happen, you have to wait it out and/or make it happen through your own actions.

    Put yourself into places where you will meet people, lots of people, because even if they aren't the ones for you, their friends might be. Meanwhile focus on your children, they must be your top priority and you cannot even consider ending your life if you have children whose life you will be damaging irrevocably in the process.

    Life can get better just help make it happen by putting yourself in situations that might result in you meeting someone. Meanwhile, don't seem too 'desperate', as this will be obvious to a woman. Chill out, have fun, and wait for it to happen. Relationships rarely happen when you go looking for them, you need to be there and let them simply come to you.

    Good Luck.

  • profile image

    Don't know what name I should give 5 years ago

    And I feel like I can NOT do anything at all....

    I have a pretty successful history in career wise (I am 26 years old) but I feel like it was only based on luck...

    I don't know I feel like I can not do it anymore, I feel like the person I used to be is just gone...

  • profile image

    Don't know what name I should give 5 years ago

    Hi Misty,

    I haven't read your story, but I just finished reading all the posts.

    It seems that your hub is touching many people's life. Thank you very much for doing this!

    My problem is nothing compared to what other people have been gone through.

    Life is treating me so well, I have everything: family, friends, shelter, food... But I don;t feel like I deserve all this.

    Only because of my classes I got really stressed and acted really stupid recently, and perhaps made many people upset including my parents.

    I am a student who is doing her master degree. And I did pretty good job in my first 2 semesters (now I just left with 1 semester to go), but somehow I have no desire to study anymore: it's more of no matter how much I read, I just don't understand anything out of it.

    I left with:

    - Taking accounting and finance exam

    - Writing my thesis

    I wish someone can help me to write this thesis or give me their thesis so that I can copy. Because I can't do it :(

  • profile image

    jim/cal 5 years ago

    Sorry, you went through you hardships. Glad you pulled through. I can't say that I feel any better about my situation. Suicide is still the number one option on the table. Four kids, yes I care but how much degridation must I endure. I am 44 years old, in severe unrecoverable financial debt, alone... I have spent most of my last 26 adult years in a bed alone( even when married) my personal adds go unanwered and women do not flirt with me or pay me any attention. I want to be wanted. To matter. But to women I am absolutely worthless as a man. A eunic!!! I really don't want to hear any BS. Don't tell me that I should be happy about X or grateful for Y when I am considered a MAN by women. I've gone to shrinks, read books, done Scientology. I want to live, but as a man desired by a woman. Clearly I am useless in this regard. Humiliated. I like the drug overdose idea of your sancho's first wife. I am out of here!!!!!!!!!

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    You are very welcome Lostallhope, I just hope it helped a little at least.

  • profile image

    Lostallhope 5 years ago

    Misty

    Thank you for your kind words and sincerity.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Lostallhope, I am sorry to hear about how awful your current situation is, and I can see why you feel so hopeless right now. Just remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Who knows if the next job you go for will be the one that don't mind about the bankruptcy and decide to give you a job anyway! For the time being you could always take a job below your skill levels just to keep money coming in, and meanwhile keep applying for jobs that are more suitable until you get one that IS ideal for you.

    If your boyfriend is willing to walk away from you when you need him most you are probably better off without him. He should be standing by you and helping to support you emotionally and financially.

    Have you tried registering with employment agencies and explaining your situation to them? You could also write a letter to any companies that you think could use skills like yours before they advertise they have any jobs going. I would advise complete honesty and explain about the bankruptcy and tell them you really want to work but need someone to give you a chance. You never know you might just get lucky and find a company that have not yet advertised and are willing to help you out.

    In the meantime I would consider getting some professional counseling for how you are feeling. It is not surprising you feel miserable, but they make you look at your situation from a different angle and could even have suggestions of their own.

    Why not consider a complete change of career too, that way it probably won't matter about a previous bankruptcy. I have been through bankruptcy myself many years back and I am still here to tell the tale and I didn't return to the same line of work, and in fact tried a number of different jobs afterwards. I never regretted it.

    I really wish you well and hope you can find a way through this.

    Good Luck

  • profile image

    Lostallhope 5 years ago

    AA 50 year old women. Two degrees and industry credentials. I've been laid off from contract positions off an on for the last ten years (a career of percarious employment). Now once again, unemployed for over a year. Finally forced to declare ch. 13. I have been contacted for work many times, and as soon as the employer finds out about the bankruptcy I don't get the job. I've talked to lawyers, and they pointed to the law that does not in fact prohibit employers from discriminating due to bankruptcy (the new discrimination not protected by law).

    I will soon lose my car, phone, and internet services (potentially bringing my job search to a halt). I'm staying with family temporarily, for the time being my car is housing my personal possessions. Losing my car means giving up my possessions, and I'm willing to do that if necessary. I have no emotional support; family and friends feel guilty because they are unable to understand my situation, so they resort to treating me like I have either done something wrong, or I'm not doing something right. My boyfriend after 6 years has even given up on me, because he knows I am contemplating ending my life. Losing him, was losing my only friend I had to talk to. I'm now starting to question my faith. Can someone tell me why I should not commit suicide?

  • kenneth avery profile image

    Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

    Misty...you are most-welcome, my friend. Just one person. That's all I care about saving. And I was glad to share this on your hub. Kenneth

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience Kenneth, I am sure you will inspire many with your words here. Hopefully you will save at least one life by having posted this, and hopefully the fact you have survived in spite of your pains and the ordeals you have to go through every few months with injections etc. With or without religion you must have an incredible inner strength to achieve this. I commend you.

  • kenneth avery profile image

    Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

    Dec. 2, 2011/12:28 p.m./cst

    Misty, this was, in all honesty, GREAT. Touching hub. Truthful to the point of hurting my heart. Great text and graphics. Voted UP, Useful, Awesome and Interesting. Personally, in the last few years, I have had my life change, realistically, not virtually, over night. In 2002, I was diagnosed with Accelerated Fibromyalgia...a muscular, neurological disease that attacks the nerves, muscles and bones and is incurable. Wow. What next? Also Neurothopy, where nerve endings are always on fire. Yes, incurable too. Prior to 2002, I was active. Outgoing. Healthy. Didnt know what the term, 'hospital stay' meant. But that being said. I now have to, for the rest of my life, get spinal injections in my spine every three months and take daily meds to combat this pain that is like an abcess tooth all inside my body. All the time. And since 2002, I have since GIVEN UP TOBACCO IN ALL FORMS--SMOKING, CHEWING, as well as Drinking of anything alcoholic-related. Wow, Kenneth, you sure have willpower, you say. And you are so wrong. With these two diseases, battling quitting nicotine, I did, in all honesty, entertain a few suicidal thoughts. I am not a perfect specimen of a man. Never claimed to be. I wondered what it was like 'over there.' But a small voice in my soul kept whispering, 'get tough. Get angry. Stand for YOU,' and this voice was NOT satan. I began to depart from the conventional prayer pattern for most Christians--telling God what He already knows how holy He is and such, and just got down to bare facts...I need YOUR help or I will come to you! And it wont be pretty! I recall yelling alone to myself one day. My body was shaking with nerves and nicotine withdrawals. Sweating profusely. Crying like a whipped baby. But still, I needed to go deeper, more angry into Jesus' bosum. I said, among many things, "you claim to be the Messiah...and healed so many. Well, look at me...I need healing of this satanic habit...and NOW...not on your timetable...but mine." Talk about desperate. Dark. I thought any minute lightning would hit me. But weeks and weeks later, I saw, and appreciated a side of Jesus that most preachers never see...a patient, enduring, all-wise and compassionate Jesus. Not your garden-variety religious icon. He was so loving. Tender and lent me His strength to replace my willpower in my battle against nicotine and suicidal thoughts. In time, I stood free from both. It felt wonderful. Still does. But in the wonderful, euphoric atmosphere, there is still a guarded reality that I am human. Prone to failure. If I try to walk this road on my own two feet. That is why Jesus lets me use His feet to walk. And even allows me to use His thoughts to think with. Willpower? Not hardly. Just plain, hard, bloody and angry faith that was put into action by a scared man. This I am sharing, worked for me. I dont know if you would want to be daring enough to use this method IF you are on the borderline of thinking about suicide, but what harm will it do for you to think about it? At least to that. Sincerely and Honestly, KENNETH AVERY, Hamilton, Alabama.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Steve,

    I hope you think again before you do this. If you have a gorgeous girlfriend and wanted to start a family it sounds as if you have everything to live for. I can't see why you feel this way as you don't say anything bad has happened to you. How can you think you have nothing when in the next sentence you say you have a gorgeous girlfriend who you love dearly? Don't wreck her life by doing this. She will never forget the horror of having her boyfriend commit suicide. You should be talking to her about how low you feel and why, this will give her a chance to help you through this. It doesn't sound like you have sought any kind of help and it definitely sounds like you need to. You could be suffering from severe clinical depression which is treatable. In a few months you could feel you have everything to live for if you have got help for this.

    Don't give up. Fight these feelings instead and start that family you wanted so badly.

  • profile image

    Steve25 5 years ago

    I can't handle all this crap at the same time anymore. Ousts to be really popular had a great circle of friends and now I feel like I have nothing. I love my gorgeous girlfriend dearly and wanted to start a family and have a happy life. I don't know what's wrong with me....I must be extremely weak or selfish because all I can think about is killing myself. I'm sitting in the bath right now as I post this comment with an extra sharpe knife. I've already wrote my note apologising to everyone who believed in me or relied on me. It will all be over soon, I read every conversation on hear in an attempt to put me off however it didn't. Hope u all find happiness where I couldn't!

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    I hope you do think long and hard Shastar. Suicide is truly a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and at 21 you have so many good things yet to come in life if you just give it a chance and enough time. The worst thing any parent can live through is the loss of a child, and this will devastate their lives if you go through with it.

    Read through the comments section here, you will be stunned at what some people have been through and surviving.

    Good Luck and stay strong. Life is not all bad stuff, plenty of good things happen in it too.

  • profile image

    Shastar 5 years ago

    I only found this blog because i was trying to search what loose ends i should tie before i commit suicide to make things easier for my parents i.e. bills/taxes/funeral arrangements. I'm 21 and so much has happened the past two years I definitely feel like I cannot cope any longer, but this blog has at least convinced me to at least wait a few hours and think things through properly. Thanks

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    * I should have said 10 years later as he died in November 2001 two weeks after being diagnosed with bowel Cancer.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    You were so lucky those two guys came along and stopped you doing this. They gave you an opportunity to have another chance at life and to stop your parents completely being emotionally destroyed by the loss of two children. I totally see that you have been through a terrible time, and life has thrown a tonne of cr*p at you, but one thing I am always hopeful of is that once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. Give it time and your life can change for the better, and your parents would be so much happier if they could see your life was returning to normality, especially if it means when their time comes they can die happy.

    I know right now it feels really hopeless as I felt the same immediately after my Husband of 48 died so suddenly, leaving me in rented accommodation I could not afford, hundreds of miles away from my family, broke, and with his family treating me appallingly.

    Honestly I could so easily have just thrown in the towel there and then as I couldn't see any way forward, yet here I am, 9 years later, re-married, living on the same island as my family, secure, earning money (albeit on a small scale) and his family are thankfully no-where in sight. Could I have predicted this would happen or I would get this far? No, not a chance, but it did because I gave life a go. I am not saying this was easy, and I had some really shitty experiences along the way to where I am now, but I am glad to still be here, and if you give life the same chance I am sure you can be too.

    Good Luck and don't give up :)

  • profile image

    mothercity 5 years ago

    Thanks for the post Misty. I've been struggling with suicidal ideation now for almost a year. We emigrated to NZ to start a family but our 11 year relationship took a turn for the worse after we arrived; emigrating itself is a stressful process I've come to realize. We were engaged for the last 3 years. In the space of 3 months I was made redundant, seperated from my fiance, lost my home, my health deteriorated rapidly, started drinking heavily and was financially broke. I had lost everything and left with a suitcase in my hand. I was in total despair and have lost all sense of hope for the future.I ended up at the Salvation Army for a while and worked with Community Drug and Alcohol. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and the prescription medication took it's toll on me. Zopiclone for insomnia, Seroquel for anxiety and Venlafaxine for depression. I've got no family here or any friends at all. I struggled with the losses, shattered dreams and the isolation and trying to handle it all on my own. I had nobody to turn to.......still don't. One night I snapped. I stopped my car alongside the road, took the jumper cables out of my boot, tied a noose, slung it over a tree branch and put it around my neck. I was just about to hang myself when out of nowhere these two guys jumped me and restrained me. I ended up in hospital for a few days. 7 months on and I still suffer from radical suicidal ideation. I have nothing to live for. Only thing that keeps me going is that my brother was brutally murdered not so long ago and we all suffered severely and still do. It would kill my elderly parents to lose another son...........but ther are days where I cannot bare to continue with this emotional pain I endure and I'm afraid I'm going to snap one day soon. I'm not coping very well at all.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
    Author

    Cindy Lawson 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    I know right now you don't want to live, and for obvious reasons this has hit you really really hard. This is still so raw and fresh that it feels like you can never have a life again. The trouble is that you are reacting the way you are because not enough time has passed for you to be objective and think calmly.

    You have been with her for a lot of years, but if she was the only person in this world you could feel this strongly for you probably would never have met her. For each and every one of us there has to be tens of thousands of ideal partners out there, otherwise most of us would never meet the person meant for us. When we are in long term relationships and they end, we all tend to believe we cannot cope with anyone other than that person. In a manner of speaking we have become 'institutionalized'. However, you will be amazed how many of those same people end up a year or two later happy and secure in a new relationship (trust me, I have been there).

    You don't say why she won't communicate with you at all right now, but assuming you have done nothing wrong, then she may just be feeling too guilty to want to talk to you. By not talking to you she doesn't have to face up to the pain she has left you in. This should ease in time, especially if the children are asking to see you which is likely to happen.

    Even if you did get her back right now, you would never be able to relax in case you lost her again. You would also know her depth of feelings was not the same as yours. Right now, depending on why she left, your best bet sounds to turn your life around, become a better person and give her a reason to WANT you back. Make her respect and admire you, and then she might just fall in love with you again. Even if this doesn't work, you will become stronger and attract women who admire these qualities.

    People get through major break ups every day, and it is much like a bereavement, it takes time, but it really does get easier.

    If you do get access back to your children then even once a fortnight is surely better than never, and never is what it will be if you commit suicide. What about people in the army or working on oil rigs for months at a time! They don't even get the luxury of once a fortnight most of the time.

    Naturally you are at an incredibly low point in your life right now, and it hardly surprising you feel so depressed and hopeless. What I would suggest is you stick with the counseling and the medications right now, and start throwing your energies into turning your life around for the better. Promise yourself that you will become the person you really want to be and will make your children proud of you. Set yourself goals that you can achieve one step at a time. Think of your relationship a little bit like an addiction, the withdrawal stages from the addiction are horrible and often painful, but people do recover from addictions and live long happy and healthy lives.

    I really do wish you luck and hope you find a way through this. Just take it one day at a time right now. Remember even if you don't get to see as much of your children was you want to now, they won't be children forever and one day you can have a proper relationship with them at the point they become young adults.

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    notworthliving 5 years ago

    My wife has left me. I have no access to my kids. I have no reason to live anymore. Life is not worth living without her. We have been together for 17 years since we were 16 yrs old. Over half my life. I don't know anything different. I don't want to move on. She want's nothing to do with me, and won't even communicate with me on any level. There is no reason to live now. I want my family back..... I have lost everything, my wife, kids, job, home, money, freedom (on house arrest) , I have nothing left. I am a burden on those who still care about me. I can see it in their eyes. I am going to counselling, seen a doctor and taking medication, tried a few but nothing takes away the pain I feel. Nothing can take away the pain but her. She doesn't want me so I don't want to live. I don't understand how it is possible to get over this. I have nothing to look forward to. Even if I eventually get access to my kids it will be limited and I won't get to be there and be the father I wanted to be. I would rather die then go through the pain of only seeing them every 2nd weekend or some bullshit custody arrangement. I would rather die then see my wife move on and be with another man. I would rather die then even contemplate a future without her. I have thought about it before but always had enough will to live to defeat the thoughts, but that will is gone now. I have nothing to look forward to but more pain, more dissapointment, more failure. She doesn't love me anymore, and her love was all I lived for. I cant bear this pain anymore.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Today is getting better and better for all of us then Amanda. Trust me, both of you can, and no doubt will, have so much to live for ahead of you :)

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    amanda1997 6 years ago

    thank you thanks so much again and i showed my friend your story and she said that this really relates to her and that she needs to start thin king of her life diffrent so thank u so much u have helped save two lifes in one day

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    You are so welcome Amanda, and I really wish you a wonderful future in your chosen career. You are far too young to have tried so many times to kill yourself, especially as right now you have barely tasted the very tip of life. You have some amazing adventures ahead of you, and you can do most of the things you want to in life if you try hard enough. It won't always be easy, and no doubt you will have tough times, times you cry like your heart will break and yet at other times you will be so happy that you feel like your heart will burst with joy, pride or many other emotions. Life is for living, so go out and live it to the full and get as much out of it as you can.

    Be Happy :)

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    amanda1997 6 years ago

    missy im 13 years old and i get made fun of all the time ive had a lot of down falls in life and ive attemped suicide 17 times and was ready to try again until i came across your story and it made me look at the better things in life and i started to realize that i have so much that i want to do in my life and i have wanted to be a pedatric oncologist since i was 10 and theres so many things that i want to do that i havent got to do thanks so much for the inspiring story :)

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    You are very welcome Jynx. Stay positive, you can change your life if you want something badly enough :)

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    Jynx 6 years ago

    If I become a famous rockstar I'll be sure to look you up :D or if not then it will have been nice to know some one cares before it ends. So for everything you have done and not just for me but every one else I would like to say

    Thank you.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Again Jynx,

    That is wonderful news, and the fact you are already a good drummer and love music will open doors for you. You also have options to do apprenticeships and learn new skills that way. Pyrotechnics would be fascinating too. It is always a positive sign when a person starts to plan ahead.

    Re your PS. Yes, it can get tough sometimes, and even I don't always know what to say, but know I need to say something. I guess it is my way of also being able to prove I did the right thing by not committing suicide, as this article has already saved lives that might not have been the case if it had not been here.

    Thank you for your kind words, I am only a normal person really, just trying to help others in any way I can.

    Good Luck and let me know how you get on with your plans.

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    Jynx 6 years ago

    I am very grateful for your kindness mistyhorizon2003 and I am thinking of giving life one last chance because in the past I was a pretty decent drummer so I am trying to join a band if I can because I love music, and if that fails then I will try Pyrotechnician. I love fire and explosives :]

    P.S I get the feeling you're going to need help if you listen to people complaining all the time so please don't let it overwhelm you. Sincerest thanks for taking to the time to reply

    you really are the most wonderful person I've ever met(even if it is only on the internet)and I wish you all the best.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Scott, I think you might be surprised that people would care if you do this, unless you have done something so terrible that you deserve the death penalty, which I doubt. I really urge you to talk to someone about this, maybe a parent (if they talk to you) or even a counselor. If your children won't talk to you it doesn't necessarily mean it is 'proof' you deserve to die, I can think of at least three different people I have known in my life that had their children refusing to talk to them (following marriage break ups). This situation went on for some years, but the children began talking them eventually.

    Don't ever give up hope.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Jynx,

    I am not an expert, but you sound like counseling would be your best option, and with this in mind I think you should talk to your Mum again, but this time make sure she answers you and helps you get it. My Step Son's counselor goes to his home, so you might well find you don't have to go outside to visit them. It is possible anti-depressants could help you too, and you would certainly be inclined to feel more hope.

    By the way your spelling is very good, so you have no worries there. It is also never too late to go back to school even night school, and take GCSE's. You are clearly articulate, so there is every chance you will secure a job based on your personality alone.

    Good Luck

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    Jynx 6 years ago

    Well you have got a point about the counseling.I even tried asking my mother about it last year and she just sat there in silence for 30 minutes not saying anything or responding in anyway what so ever until I finally left the room and she carried on like normal.Also I am terrified of what I'm going to do about my life in general because I dropped out of school when I was 9, I never went to high school and I have no GCSE's or any qualification what so ever(which is why my grammar, punctuating and/or spelling are so bad).I also have another reason for seeking help which is I seem to have a lot of trouble feeling emotion which yeah I know sounds really strange but it's true, like when my grandfather died I didn't even feel the slightest bit sad even though we were really close.For you see it's not depression nor sadness that makes me want to commit suicide, but rather a lack of a sense of life,for example people say if you put sadness into life you get a sad life and if you put happiness into life you get a happy life etc, but what if you're like me and everything just feels like nothing because I seem to have trouble feeling any form of emotion what so ever so then what do you do? put emptiness into life and get an empty life?

    P.S thank you for taking the time for responding

    you are an incredibly nice woman.

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    Scott J 6 years ago

    WOW!! This page is funny!! It read like life really makes a difference. Like people would really care! HA!! That's F'in laughable! I KNOW no one would care if I was road kill in fact my family would WELCOME IT! They all hate me and of course it's all my fault!! I am horrible, worthless, cold hateful being who deserves to die. Yup! That's me!! People would love for me to be gone! The sooner the better! Even my own children won't talk to me!! So that's proof I must be this horrible monster that needs to be destroyed!! I know exactly how I am going to do it too!! Painless and quick. Not even a debate over second thinking my position! It's just a matter of time now. Just waiting for the last trigger! Than I'm worm food!

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Jynx, you know my Step Son has just spent pretty much the last five years of his life barely going out at all after suffering extreme depression when his Grandfather died and then his cat got killed on the roads, (he had even set a date for his own suicide). He was a young teenager when this happened, and only recently he found a counselor that worked for him, and at the age of 18 he is just now starting to go out on his own. Right now even going for a hair cut or heading to the shop, is a break through, but he is proof it can be done. He didn't even get his hair cut for a couple of years or more at one point, and was refusing to see or speak to anyone. He is now well and truly on the mend. Can I strongly suggest you seek counseling, and are open to this working. Don't give up, it worked for him, and he is now talking about coming to stay at our house overnight for the first time in 5 years, we are delighted. This could easily be your story too with the right counselor!

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    Jynx 6 years ago

    Hello my mother divorced my dad when after a long abusive,tormentful and agonizing marriage when I was 10, then she kicked my dad out the house when I was 12 and I have been struggling with agoraphobia(fear of people) all my life and have only left my house 4 times in the past 6 years.I just need some one to talk to. Please.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    @'Sucidist' who can't even spell 'Suicide'. Remember these words 'DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS', (of which you are clearly one with a very sick nature). Don't even bother posting back here again, your posts will remain ignored. You need to learn some lessons in life, and grow up. Right now your massive immaturity and lack of life's knowledge and experience is showing. Now toddle along and go TROLL somewhere else. Come back when you have a family member who you love that has killed themselves and left you in pain, or a girlfriend etc. Yes we all die, but you have no idea of the pain and anguish it causes people left behind when it is as a result of suicide!

    Oh, and for the record, this is NOT 'silencing the messenger', this is 'gagging the troll'!

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    This is sad to read unhappy, and you really should talk to your Doctor about this as it could largely be a kind of post natal depression or even hormonal (based on you being pregnant right now). You really can't trust your emotions during pregnancy. An expression I often hear said to people who are suicidal is 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'. This is true, and if you were drowning no doubt you would do everything in your power to survive and fight for your life.

    Just remember if you ended your life, then what would happen to your little girl, she could end up in a children's home too! You are also taking a decision for your unborn child if you kill yourself. Doesn't he or she deserve a chance at life?

    Your ex sounds like the kind of man you are better off without, and the next one you meet will hopefully be much better. At least now you know what kind of man to avoid.

    I urge you to first see your Doctor and tell him the emotions you are feeling, and secondly give life a chance. I don't know your age, but it sounds like you are still young, and life can have many exciting and happy times ahead for you if you just give it time. Your daughter and unborn baby need you to be strong for them, you are their protector now.

    I wish you well.

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    unhappy 6 years ago

    I don't no who 2 talk 2 I don't have much family or friends, iam really low at the moment and not sure where 2 turn I just want this pain 2 stop. I have a little girl who is 18 months and she's amazing but where am feeling so low I am not being a proper mum and feel she would be better wid out me. Am preg now 18 weeks and I don't want it, my exe bf has cheated and really hurt me I just see no other way of getting rid of this pain and I don't think its ever going 2 go. After being brought up in childrens homes after the death of my dad iv never been really happy. I just want the pain 2 stop

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Firstly Suicidist, what makes you think joining the armed services won't help to save lives? Secondly what makes you think everyone who defends their country comes back in a wheelchair with PTSD? Thirdly, why does he have to kill anyone? He might end up as a mechanic, a chef, or an army doctor, medic or male nurse? You have jumped to a load of conclusions which seem to assume all army members kill people.... ! If there was no army all the other barmy nations might well come in and wipe your nation out with no real resistance, apparently you think this is the better option?? You might be 'pro-choice', but so am I, it is just that to make an 'informed choice' you need to be in possession of all the information/facts. Too many people here are kids with no life experience to make such a decision on, so you should think long and hard before suggesting they should just 'end their life' based on your situation right now.

    As for your second comment, I have deleted it based on the fact it was encouraging people to kill themselves. To answer the question you asked in the comment about your suggested 'painless, regretless and peaceful' method of suicide and why that is a problem, well, what about the people left behind? That is a large part of the problem, and the potential of a wonderful life missed out on by someone who ended it before the really good experiences had a chance to arrive, (which they do tend to for the most part). You should think long and hard as to the consequences of your words before you let yourself loose on a keyboard in future. You could end up with a lot of unnecessary deaths on your hands, even if you are not aware of it!

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    Sucidist 6 years ago

    "Hey Secret, that is actually really good news. It shows you are making long term plans, and what better way to make your life have a purpose than to serve your country."

    Yeah, what a great idea, then you can come back to your good old family in a wheelchair with PTSD!

    Just thinking of the people that kid is going to kill makes me want to end my life now. Yeah, I'm pro-choice, I should have the choice to end my life.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Lexy, jeez, you are so young to be even thinking life isn't worth living. It is way too soon for you to write off your life when you have only been on the planet 11 years, a mere fraction of your life potential. To offer you solid advice I would need to know more about why you want to do this and what is so awful about your life that you don't want it to continue. Can you give me some more information?

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    Lexy 6 years ago

    Any advice for an 11 year old girl who has tried to commit suicide many of times infact at least 5 times in the last two days?

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hey Secret, that is actually really good news. It shows you are making long term plans, and what better way to make your life have a purpose than to serve your country.

    In many ways I wish I had suggested this as an option to some of the suicidal people here earlier, especially the ones who had money problems, no-where to live etc. This would not only have solved all of those problems, but also given them a purpose, training for skills they could well be able to use in later life as well, plus giving them a team of friends and the knowledge they are helping to make the world a better place.

    You stick with your goals as you are young now and 13 is just a fraction of your life. You have so much more to experience and learn yet, and it is far too soon for you to think about things like suicide when you have barely even tasted what life has to offer yet.

    Good Luck with your future plans. I am sure you will make a great soldier and make your parents very proud of you :)

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    Secret 6 years ago

    I wanted to commit suside but then i thought when i get older i want to join the miltary. Im only 13 pleas give me encourgment ------msg

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi bjw1991, I am so sorry for your losses, it must be really hard for you with no parents to turn to, especially as right now the pain will still be really fresh.

    It is hard to know what to suggest in situations this extreme. I have been in the position with no money for food before, and I lived on toast and butter for several weeks because bread was cheap and it made me feel full. In hindsight I guess I should have had other cheap stuff too, like rice and beans, but it never occurred to me. I would have been about your age, maybe plus a few years.

    Have you any extended family who would help you out, or would your friends step in and let you stay with them, or offer you a meal here and there? Have you got any support groups within your college who can make suggestions?

    Your parents would not want all your hard work to have gone to waste, and surely you would want them to look down on you with pride at your achievements. Trust me when I say you are so young, and you still have so much life to live ahead of you, you really have no idea. To shoot yourself, or otherwise kill yourself, would be a total waste of life, and you can still improve your life and do it for your parents sake. Life has many happier times ahead for you if you just give it a chance and help make it happen.

    Good Luck, go make your parents proud :)

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    bjw1991 6 years ago

    Hi I am twenty years old. My dad committed suicide a week after i turned sixteen and alcoholism just took my mother this past July 9th. I have two classes left at my college until i can transfer to a university. Let me tell you it would be a lot easier if my mom was here but since shes not my living has gone to a way i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Long story short i am at the lowest point in my life right now i havent eaten in 3 days not because i dont want to but because i cant afford food. By december my funds will have run out and i wont know what to do..i hate going to sleep at night because i dont want to wake up into the life i have. i see my friends that have at least one parent and they dont know that i dont even know how i will eat sometimes. I do cut myself but horizantily i have comptiplated killing myself but yesterday i actually asked a friend if he knew where to buy a gun on the streets for "recreational shooting" now thoughts have manifested into action.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Solo,

    Please take the advice I gave you in my last comment. Talk to your Wife, and don't even think about leaving her in the lurch by killing yourself. Also, imagine the emotional effect it would have had on the driver of the vehicle that hit you if you had done this! It wouldn't matter whether it was thought to be an accident or not to them, they would still be haunted by the memories for the rest of their lives.

    Your situation is something solvable without suicide. Money is only money, and whilst we all need it, it should not be a reason to kill yourself when a great job could be just around the corner, or a financial windfall etc. Have you spoken to your relatives about getting help with your financial situation, have you tried getting a second job, can your wife get a job, or a second job?

    There are always other options, you just have to find them. Do this for your family, and so you don't leave your children without a Father for the years ahead when they will need you to confide in and talk to. Who will physically protect them if you are gone. There is more to being a Father than simply bringing in money.

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    solo 6 years ago

    well.. this is a real shame for me, saying good bye and still coming back, when i went to the highway and untied my shoes so i when i trip and got hit by a car it would look like an accident, i really couldn't do it....i was afraid and just couldn't do it..

    @author

    yes it may look somewhat a scam, but if people really think about it, how can i get ended up in this blog/post if i didn't think/search about suicide?

    and for now, i really do need financial help, any amount would do, not for me, not for my wife but for my kids, search me up on Facebook and you'll see my lovely kids...

    zatomira26@gmail.com is my fb account, well, its my wife's account, but we both use it..

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Solo, this is so not the answer to your families problems, and I really hope you come back and read this before you do anything rash. Deaths made to look like suicide for insurance purposes are nearly always found out and the insurers do not pay out. You would just be leaving your family in a worse mess. Abandoning them when they need you most is a selfish thing to do. There must be a church group or a citizen's advice bureau you could turn to for help before you do anything so drastic. People are not going to read your comment and just blindly send money to your wife when for all they know this could be a scam.

    Try speaking to the people or companies you owe money to and explain your situation and see if they will come to an arrangement with you on payments.

    There is always another way, and whilst I am not a Christian, I do know often Church or Church groups can be very helpful if approached by people such as yourself.

    For goodness sake, talk to your wife about how you are feeling right now, as two heads are better than one and she may have an idea you have not thought of. Do not abandon her and your family when she/they need you most.

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    solo 6 years ago

    if anyone out there is rich enough to "lend a hand" to my family money after i die, please do so, i would really appreciate and will forever be grateful to you on my after life...email my wife at solorealty85@yahoo.com

    bye.

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    solo 6 years ago

    im searching google right now on a best way to commit suicide and i found this....im really having a lot of "financial" problems right now and i really cant help it...im already thinking of suicide as of this moment...i owe a lot of people money, money i used to feed my family, i thought that if i commit suicide, ( a suicide that will look like an accident) my family would get insurance money and there life would be better...

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Asjad/Loser1919, firstly I would urge you to speak to your parents about this as soon as possible. You could be pushing yourself too hard, even heading towards a breakdown because of the pressure. You could be suffering from depression as a result of the pressure. Try to speak to a school counselor, a trusted teacher or a telephone support line such as The Samaritans (or US equivalent). Personally I would try your parents first, and if you aren't comfortable talking to them about this try writing them a letter so they can read it and discuss it before coming to talk to you about it.

    You need a break and the pressure to be drastically reduced for a while in order to give you time to relax and get your strength up again.

    Good Luck

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi miss.nuts, I liked your comment right up to the part in capital letters. That part doesn't allow for any level of understanding of how the suicidal person feels right now, and does not allow for the fact that their situation and feelings may change given hope. I have cleared the comment to be shown purely based on the first half of it which I did agree with.

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    miss.nuts 6 years ago

    Sometime life is really hard....it gives no option...but the thing is u have to fight.....u should not surrender yourself to the hands of death....What will u do if u r in a drowing ship with heartful of desire to live?u fight till the last minute....right...imagine like dat...fight to live....may be this is a boring theory...but too much fact in it...if u r not convinced by any one of our words....COMMIT SUCIDE....EARTH IS ONLY FOR THE FITTEST....GOOD BYE WEEKERS....

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    Loser1919 6 years ago

    Hey mitsy m a junior college student...last year in my sac exams I scord 93% nd so my parents hav a lot many expectations frm me bt I dnt kno wats happenin to me now...m unable to cope up wid studies I dnt think I wud b livin upto deir expectation...!!nd hence I feel quitting is d mst easy nd bst solution fr me...:(

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    Asjad 6 years ago

    Hey misty...i misty m a junior college student....last year I scored 93% marks bt nw I dnt kno wats happenin to me....my parents have a lot of expectations frm me bt I dnt think I wud come up to dem...I jst mentally disturbed.quitting seems to b d mst easy nd bst solution...:(

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Bubbles, perhaps you are feeling like you are no longer needed now your son has grown up and you feel excluded at work, but I am betting your son doesn't feel you are no longer needed, and he would be devastated if anything were to happen to you. Our purpose in life is not simply to 'be needed' anyway. We are meant to enjoy life too. Now it is time for you to relax and start doing things for you, not just for others. I know you say you haven't got the 'physical strength', but there are lots of ways to enjoy yourself that don't require this, be it reading, the Internet, hobbies etc. I really hope you find some happiness and don't let this feeling of 'having had enough' get you down.

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    Bubbles 6 years ago

    I have had lots of problems in my life too. I've always been there for someone else, never for myself. There is nothing for me now. My son has grown up. At work they make plans without me. I haven't the strength, physically, to enjoy things any more. I am tired and I know I've had enough now.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    In five or ten years from now school will be a distant memory that is no longer a big deal, and your classmates will not be a part of your life any more (they don't sound like very nice people to me anyway). I know that is hard to believe right now, but it is true. most of what you learn at school you never use in the real world anyway, and life skills and surviving what life throws at you will be of far more use to you in the long term.

    This is your life, so if you want to play the guitar, join the army, get an apprenticeship and skip college altogether it is up to you.

    Why don't you try talking to your parents about how you are feeling about your life right now. They will probably be shocked that you are feeling suicidal, and I would hope they will try to support you more and ease off the pressure. If you are worried they won't listen, then try putting it in a letter to them and let them have time to read and discuss it before responding.

    Are there any counseling services provided at your school, or do you have any groups you could call that offer support to teenagers?

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    Mylifesucks 6 years ago

    Hey this is the 5th time ive been thinking about suicide my classmates call me a life reject whatever I do doesn't make my parents happy and today they told me they won't talk to me now and my school marks are not up to the mark the teachers hate me almost everyone does ive cut myself n no of times its not that I dont want to live its that at the moment I don't know wat I can do to live my own brother thinks I'm a disgrace I have, no one to go to I think I have to kill myself its my habit of playing the guitar that has kept me going now even that doesn't help :'( and its like I'm shouted at every day I know my parents just want me to end up in a god college but I just can't stand every day of going through hell in my own houseI might even go with suicide!!!

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Terry, wow, your GF sounds like a nightmare and I reckon you are better off without her from what you say (think 'narrow escape'). At least your relatives are helping you out and you can earn money truck driving in Nevada. You could even go on and use your pharmacy qualification elsewhere, as surely it is not location dependent?

    To be honest it sounds to me like you have a whole new chapter in your life about to begin, and you could be the one with the last laugh on your selfish ex-girlfriend. Please at least give this a try for a few months before you decide it is time to end it all. You are clearly clever and articulate, and life can have all sorts of adventures ahead with your skills. Not a 'pep talk' just my thoughts on your situation and prospects.

    Good Luck :)

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi There 'in a lot of trouble'. Your situation is dire I can see, but for the sake of your children there has to a solution other than leaving them without a parent. Could you not literally go the Police and explain your situation. I know, it is grassing people up, but if they get rid of the problem and you can make a fresh start elsewhere, then your life can continue. It sounds as if the other option right now is no better. Even vanishing to another state in the night might be an option that does not include death and gives you a chance to get straight. I am not an expert on your options, (a relevant support group that you can talk to anonymously is your best bet for that), but I am pretty sure you are no use to your loan sharks or drug dealers dead, and as long as you make an effort to pay them off without letting the situation get any worse you are better off to the alive than dead.

    I really hope you can find a way past this, even if it means grassing these people up and going in to witness protection. This is better than death.

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    Terry 6 years ago

    Well Misty,

    My girlfriend is throwing me out, I had been unemployed for the last two years. I finally got a job, it was 120mile round trip every day. I enjoyed it but resources dried up and my girlfriend who will brag she has an 800 creit score was either unable or unwilling to help me with gas, Even though she knew a paycheck was right around the corner. So now i have had to rely on relatives to help with gas to move to Nevada, so I can learn to be an over the road truck driver. I was trained and looking forward to working as a Pharmacy Technician. I guess God has other plans for me. when life gives you lemons make lemonade. You are doing a great thing here, I just wish my life had turned out the way i wanted,but!

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    in a lot of trouble 6 years ago

    nice story and great to hear that you pulled through im in avery tough and depressed part of my life and think about suicide every day i nearly did it the other day i dont really want to die but feel its a way out of my mess of a life im 27 have 3 kids and am in debt to my eyeballs to drug dealers and loan sharks one of severalthings will happen to me very soon shot seriously injured or in jail i owe 50k and there is no way i can pay it back the pressure is sending me over the edge

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Who knows Terry, but I hope if you do begin this hike into the mountains you will look around you at all the amazing beauty and stunning examples of unspoilt nature, and it will make you think that you don't want to leave all that behind, and that for those things alone life is worth living. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds as if you have plenty of energy and strength left in you yet to even be capable of such a hike. Perhaps you should be hiking into the mountains more often, as truly that is a spiritual experience and a good place to go and reflect, ponder on life etc.

    I wish you well and hope you at least receive some kind of spiritual revelation if you do head up into the mountains, and one which will convince you that it just isn't your time yet.

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    Terry 6 years ago

    I cant think of a more clean and peaceful way of leaving the world. all other avenues and means of suicide are messy painful and leaves one last mess for others to clean up. I just drive as far as I can and then hike into the moubtains winter is coming on in California, find a nice spot talk with God and just wait to go to sleep and let nature and the cold do its thing. I have never thought so much about suicide in my life.

    I ahve overcome job losses before, but I am at a point in my life where, I am to old for a young mans job and too young to work at McDonalds.

    I am just tired, tired of life and everything that goes with it. I used to believe I was destined for better things, that they would come my way with hard work. I'm tired. I have read most of your posts and post from others i have looked at many web sites, Im tired.

    As a Christian i believe that suicide is wrong but hiking into the mountains and just relaxing and letting the elements do there thing are about the easiest solution to my current lack of zest for life. I really do not know why I posted here.

    i don't want you to talk me out of this or give me any cheerleader pep talks. I really believe it is just time to say good by cruel world and exit stage left.

    I know it is not my time to die but sometimes you have to put things on fats forward to get to the end.

    why am i even here on this post, this shows you how far I have sunk in my life. crap!

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Good question Terry, but why would you want to do that before 'your time'. It may be that what is to follow is not for you yet!

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    Terry 6 years ago

    I gotta know is it considered suicide to just climb up to a higher elevation. Up a mountain ans just sit next to a tree and wait for the snow to start to fall and just fall asleep?

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    You are welcome Steve, I think many suicidal people feel like you do, and genuinely don't think of the pain and despair it would cause to those left behind. As you said too, 'logically it will get better', it is just toughing it out until that happens. The 'feel good' bit comes when you can talk to someone else feeling as you once did, and tell them how it did get better for you, and how they too should tough it out until it gets better for them as well.

    Your experience now may well save another life in the future, and this gives your life a fabulous and fulfilling purpose.

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    Steve 6 years ago

    Thank you Mistyhorizon2003 for sharing your story. Life is hard for me right now and I have had some suicidal thoughts. It was very important for me to be reminded about what the aftermath of my suicide would be. I would never knowingly want to cause my family and friends that pain but sometimes I get so self absorbed that I forget what the aftermath would be. Also I logically know it will get better but it is still great to hear it.

    I never considered before that my hard times might make me a stronger person in the future. This idea has given me some comfort.

    Thanks again to you and the others who shared above in the comments section.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Thanks so much Ayush. I am only the stronger person I am today as result of struggling through these experiences. When they all began I was a very naive and quiet girl who was incredibly insecure. If I could get through those experiences, anyone could, so I am sure you will survive too, and what's more, you will look back one day and be glad that you did :)

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    Ayush 6 years ago

    M not at all able to study, and used to feel like committing suicide, bt u have totally changed my mind and vision towards life. If I would have been at ur place I would have died on the 1st problem. But u r fantastic. VERY GOOD.........

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi deepak, I hope you can get past feeling this way. Perhaps if you read all the comments that followed this article you might find something said somewhere gives you a will to live.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    I would never condone you finding a firearm to commit suicide with I am afraid, so cannot offer you advice.

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    deepak 6 years ago

    I don't wanna live more... m Fed up..

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    In utero's original title 6 years ago

    HELL YES... I'm just finding it hard to locate a firearm in Melbourne, any ideas/help?

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi paostorm911, this is a common tactic used by desperate youngsters who have broken up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and want them back. What she is trying to do is force you to take her back through making you feel guilty and the fact you fear she will kill herself if you don't. It is so sad that she cannot see a relationship based on this emotional blackmail would never work, and she would wreck two lives if she forced this 'blackmail' based relationship to continue. You see neither her or you would end up fulfilled and neither of you would be with partners who truly loved each other.

    My guess is that if you stick to being pleasant to her when it is unavoidable to be around her, but stay firm that you don't want a relationship with her, sooner or later she will move on to a new boy. The suicide incident will soon be old news at your school, so I really wouldn't let it bother you.

    Sounds like you made a good decision splitting up with her from your description of her personality.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Dead Soon, well I wouldn't say your blood could ever be on my hands, as strange as it may seem it is not my job to talk you out of killing yourself and you are a person with free will.

    You have to make a decision to live and see what else life has to offer you. Feeling sorry for yourself and making statements like 'Everyone hates me' is not going to help. Ask yourself why you think everyone hates you, what you may have done to create this situation and what you can do to turn it around. The worst thing you can do is throw your hands in the air and simply give up. Life can have some amazing times ahead for you if you just give it a chance. But remember the expression 'life is what you make it', well whilst that isn't always 100% true, you certainly do have an input and can improve it.

    Good Luck.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi 'Thatguy', all I can say is that if you can't find anything good in your life to live for now, then you don't know what the future has in store for you that could be much better. Wait it out and good things will happen sooner or later. It took my a relative of mine (through marriage) about four years to get over feeling suicidal. He wouldn't even leave the house and had to be taken out of school because of it. Just recently he found a wonderful Social Worker/Counselor who has done wonders with him and he is going out and about all the time and is getting a life again. You just never know!!

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    paostorm911 6 years ago

    My girlfriend (ex) tried to kill herself today...

    I'm 15 also her

    We broke up like since the first week of June but even though we still hangout like it never happened until one time we kissed and i told her we need to end it then the next day she almost jumped off the roof of the 4th floor of the school...

    But someone stopped her and now i'm living life at school as the bad guy who made her commit suicide and I know that's what she wants to see me suffer cause she's done this way too many times before...

    Life sucks in every way and i don't feel anything anymore...

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    Dead Soon 6 years ago

    I want to commit suicide. you didn't convince me. My blood is on your hands now. There is no one to cry for me and no one to tell me no. Everyone hates me and I hate myself. Goodbye life

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    thatguy 6 years ago

    hm... inspiring story yet at the same i know that not everyone is as sturdy as you. Not everyone -as a reason to live for, no family to care about your death, no friemds to say they'll miss you which is why they feel depressed in the first place. You could say"if you look hard enough, you'll see or find something good, but what if there isn't? I've struggled with this issue for awhile now and things never seem to look up at all, nothing but a downward slope.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Poppy, that is wonderful to hear, and I hope things get better for you soon so you can truly look back and feel glad you took the decision to carry on. :)

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    Poppy 6 years ago

    Thank you for this. You saved my life today.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    That must have been a horrible experience for you KaiRae, and I am glad you survived it and it clearly made you a stronger person. Perhaps what you went through will allow you to help others feeling the same hopelessness you did. Like they say, everything happens for a reason and some good may come out of your experience somehow. I am sure you will cope with anything life throws at you after that.

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    KaiRae 6 years ago

    Wow, this is a great hub. I totally understand everything you were saying, as I went through something a bit similar.

    I too got involved with an older man, who wasn't married.. but had a common law. I was 17 at the time, & within 6 months of meeting him, he committed suicide.

    I was in love with him, & it hurt me so much, especially having such a wicked secret about him & not being able to openly grieve. The pain got so much worse over time & I tried to over dose on pills. Today, I am glad I survived. I'm now 19 but feel so much older. & maybe im still healing, its tough not knowing certain things... I've look at the entire situation in so many different perspectives. There is so much more I would like to express, but on a more person level, not on a comment board for the world to see...But its great to know i'm not the only one out there whose felt that pain of hopelessness, and emptiness, but still has seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like your a person who could understand a lot of things that others couldn't even comprehend that went on in my life. Thank you so much for this.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    @ Mike, a small PS. When I got involved with the 'married man' again, and later in life, he was no longer married and was now divorced. He convinced me he was no longer the same kind of person he had been all those years earlier, and this appeared to be true, at least for the first few months of the relationship.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Thank you 'Worthless woman' (although I am sure you are not Worthless at all). The fact you know it would hurt your daughter and kids terribly, leaving them feeling incredibly guilty, proves you are far from 'worthless' and clearly to them you hold a great deal of worth. Always remind yourself of that when you are feeling so very hopeless and depressed that you consider committing suicide.

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    Worthless woman 6 years ago

    Wow reading about the guilt the family would feel made me think do I really want to do that to my kids to my daughter that is only 15 ? But is so easy just to go to sleep and not feel .. lately I feel like there no other solution I'm going to read your post many times hope it helps .. Thank you and god bless

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Perhaps because at the time I was only 17 Mike, with a whole load of life experience to learn. I was also a very naive 17, and was easily lead and very insecure. The fact I wrote this article in the long run, and all the stuff that happened to me after throughout my life proves that I did 'learn from my own naivety and mistakes'. You seem fond of the word 'stupidity' and 'stupid', but neither of these apply to someone who makes a mistake or a bad choice when they are young and naive, with little life experience behind them. Perhaps it is more 'stupid' to assume that they should know better. Would you consider a 15 year old child groomed on the Internet by a pedophile to be 'stupid' too, certainly the law doesn't and treats those children as the victims. I was only 17, and with a maturity level that was less than most 15 year olds I ever knew!

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    mike 6 years ago

    i understand some people when they attempt suicide when they really have a hard life. uncontrolable stuff. but to try to kill yourself over your own stupidity learn from your mistakes dont trip bout little things like that.

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    mike 6 years ago

    i think your stupid for even attempting suicide over a married and why would you go back to him after you knew he was married

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hi Kim, I hardly know what to say reading your story, and I DO believe you. What I will say is I am so very glad you have posted your story here, because you are living proof (far more than I could ever be), that people can go on and survive whatever life throws at us. I defy most people reading this to say their situation is worse, and that they have endured worse to the point they have a good reason to commit suicide. I commend you for battling on, determined not to let your experiences beat you, or cause you to let down your young son.

    Stay strong, for both your 4 year old Son (make his life different and better than yours has been), and for yourself. It is your time to put your own negative experiences to good use, and you already have done by sharing them here and showing others that life can go on in spite of past horrors. Now use those experiences to give your son a wonderful life very different from yours, and teach him how to treat people differently to how you were treated.

    Thanks again for sharing your inspiring story, and I too think you should write a book, start with an ebook if you like as they are easy and require no approval from a publisher, nor do they cost anything to publish :)

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    kim665rio 6 years ago

    I was feeling v.low and happened to come across your site, Misty I admire you for being able to talk so openly about your problems/ past experiences and your ways to overcome it. I am 28 years old, and I have a beautiful 4 year old son, I am a single mother and he is the reason I think twice before taking my own life. I took my first overdose at 18 years old, like yourself I think it was more a cry for help. I also had fallen for an older man , living in a small narrow minded town where people where so quick to judge I found myself in an abusive relatoinship with a man who was also engaged to somebody else (and had been for five years) of course i ended it when i found out but he left her, for me, i very stupidly took him back, and soon found myself nearly being admitted to a physciatric ward, his comments usually consisited of ' stop with the crocodile tears' etc. 2 years previous to that at 16 I had found out that my non existant father had raped and abused my older sister, I suffered from terrible nightmares, still do and to this day do not know if they are nightmares or blocked out memories that are trying to resurface. I still live in that small minded town. My dad had all charges against him dropped as my sister was also suicidal at bringing it all back up and that monster lives about ten minutes car journey away from me. I find it very difficult not to be consumed with anger or want to seek my revenge in some way but am constantly told by my family to 'not let it take over my life' I am also bulimic, and then found out that my own mother was found after taking an overdose of painkillers when I was just ten months old, my sister was five and it was my grandma that found her and told me when I was older, I don't know why she did, and again that feeling i felt towards my mother did i no way want my son to feel about me. Me and my mum do share a very close relationship now, it has took a long time to get there but it still hurts to think what might have been if she had have suceeded in taking her life, what mine and my sisters fate might have been if we were left in the care of my dad. He went on to re marry, I have a half sister I have never met whom was born with learning difficulties, after my sister had revealed her horrific past , my half sisters mother cam forward and through medical examinations (she was five years old at the time) they discovered that she too had been a victim. That is just some of the events of my life, My uncle commited suicide on my birthday when i was 22, last year another uncle had hung himself in his garage after returning from walking the dog, he even packed his sandwiches for work the next day! I have a family history of depression....I would write a book if only people would actually believe me! The majority of my closest friends do not know half of what has happened as I tend to be the one that listens rather than whinges and that can sometimes make it harder. I have been very succesful career wise, I have a beautiful home and in some respects feel that I have been fortunate but it is becoming increasingly more difficult to keep on top of things, especially when people see you as the outgoing go lucky person that you can easily hide behind.

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    Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    There is a potential life for you 'whatever86', you just need to be open to it happening and not give up. Please don't decide life is not worth living until you have given it at least 50 years or more, as you just don't know what life has in store for you, and in most cases you wouldn't want to miss it if you did!