Finding Solace In The Truth
Discovering My Own idiosyncrasies
I saw the headlights first. The darkness of the night before was still lingering in the mist of the morning. The school bus appeared in the shadows where the road met the sky. As it made its way around the corner I witnessed the faces inside of the finger smeared fogged up windows. Those little people on the bus knew well how to expel warm air from their chest onto the glass to create a pallet in which to play tic-tac-toe. Some would begin eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from the brown bag packaged the night before by their mothers. Some wore dirty clothes and hand-me-down winter coats from older siblings who likewise received them from donations from an unknown source. I’d witness the smell of dirty skin, scalp and bad breath wondering why on earth they never paid any attention to personal hygiene. I always sat alone, not wanting to share my personality with anyone. I’d make my own capsule close to the window trying to escape the sadness of those surrounding me. Were they sad, or was I sad? I always saw the misfortune and despair in those little kids. I saw the neediness and poverty. Instead of trying to help them in any way I shut myself out as well as I could. I sat in my own little corner and tried to escape the confines of the constant chatter all around me.
In the same fashion, I left my own home so very often. I left the chatter from the television set and the sounds of my sister talking on the telephone. I wanted to be away from the continuous motion of the washer and dryer; still yet, a pile of dirty clothes waiting for their turn. I left the sounds of my mother as she prepared dinner in the electric frying pan on the the kitchen counter. The aroma of roast beef and vegetables would have to simmer, I had time to escape. It didn’t matter how far or how long. I always wanted to escape. I seemed to have the need of solitude and certainly had no trouble finding it. I managed to find my solace in the middle of Gods green earth, sometimes covered in crystal white snow. I had the need to spread my wings and take in the fresh air. I had the desire to be free from the commotion of others and all the baggage, disarray and untidiness that went along with it. The thought of constant commotion makes me uncomfortable, I need to breathe and I need to be in control of myself and my surroundings.
Just as I had to run from the confines of my own home when I was all by myself. This time it was my home causing havoc inside my mind. The home itself seemed alive and consuming, I had to run for my sanity. I had to run from the chaotic commotion, baggage, disarray and untidiness of my own bulimic behavior. My own home was the source of my uncontrolled urges to behave like an animal when no one was looking. I’ve been running away from the things I despise my entire life...is it possible I’ve created a pattern? Is it possible that I have to try something new?
Obviously, to continue to run away or shut myself out hasn’t worked in the past. I realize that the only way to recover from past mistakes is to put the small pieces of the puzzle together. Running away or closing my eyes to fears and frustrations is like placing a band-aid on a broken leg and expecting a positive outcome. It’s time I face my demons. It’s time I stop running, I’ve run out of places to hide.
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- My Eating Disorder Ruled My Life
My personal life long struggle with Anorexia and Bulimia