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Fokk University is often referred to by its graduates as "Fokk U." Now I am aware that a similar-sounding statement is often made by longshoremen, desperate housewives, and our Congressional representatives.
In fact, it may be one of the most widely known epithets some folks use from time to time. But are you aware of the real Fokk U? Do you know the story of its inception?
Prospective Student - No, I don’t believe this. Are you putting me on?
Putting you on? Why? Are you a garment? Sorry. Just read the following and judge for yourself. Once upon a time in rural Fokksburg, Germany lived the Fokk family who were the founders of that bucolic village. Herr Manfred (Manny) Fokk and his charming wife, Lotta, created a fortune growing hops for the famous German bock beer.
Soon they began manufacturing their own brand, Fokk Bock Beer. You may have heard of their most well-known competitor – Buttweiser. Fokk Bock became so successful that the Fokks established the Fokk Foundation, the fortuitous fiduciary for Fokk University. There are now satellites of that renowned institution on six continents.
Fokker Airplane Kits
Prospective Student - Right! Six continents. Which continent lacks a Fokk U?
Antarctica, of course. Those penguins were so busy marching they never had time to attend classes.
Prospective Student - So where is the main campus?
Fokk U’s main campus is located in a large four-story, recently renovated warehouse in beautiful downtown Detroit, Michigan. The extensive campus is located on the fire escape.
Prospective Student - I’ll probably be sorry I asked, but is there a mission statement for this institution of higher learning?
Of course. To provide an accredited institution of higher yearning - that is not a typo - for every single student who matriculates at Fokk U.
Meet the Fockers films
Prospective Student - Don’t tell me there’s a school song.
Yes, we chant it at nerdball games: “Two, Four, Six, Eight. We can’t wait to graduate! Eight, Six, Four, Two. Fokk U … Fokk U … Fokk U!”
Prospective Student - I’m becoming intrigued. What types of courses are offered?
Fokk U offers courses impossible to find in any other institution. Here are just a few from the current curriculum:
• The most popular course which is always oversubscribed because so many students sign up for it is "Communication Skills" offered by the Department of Redundancy Department.
• The Mathematics Department offers three separate levels of math classes;
a – "Math for the Neurotic Student" – 2+2=4 – and they just can’t stand it
b – "Math for the Psychotic Student" – 2+2=5 – because they demand it
c – "Math for the Superior Student" – 2+2=22 - that's how they planned it.
Prospective Student - Are there any other unique courses?
• The Oxymoron Division of the English Department offers coursework in "Military Intelligence."
• The Psychology Department offers "Personality Theories of Freud, Jung, Adler, and Dear Abby."
• The Geology Department offers "Oil Spills and Resolution." There is currently a vacancy in that department; resumes of candidates are being accepted.
• College of Law offers "You Can Fool All of the People All of the Time" taught by Professor (former Illinois Governor) Rod Blagojevich
• College of Medicine will soon offer "Universal Healthcare Rules and Regulations for Medical Students." You can purchase the books, workbooks and documents for the class at the college bookstore for only $17,345.
Prospective Student - Does Fokk University use guest lecturers?
Absolutely. Since Fokk University has such a prestigious reputation, visiting professors who supplement the Fokk U faculty have included such esteemed luminaries as Tiger Woods and Jesse James who alternate in teaching "Sexual Repression".
Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan conduct team teaching classes in "Benefits of Alcohol" and "Encouraging the Paparazzi".
Importance of Positive Attitude
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Prospective Student - Are Fokks still involved in the administration of Fokk University?
Of course. There will always be a Fokk at Fokk. The current president is Gottfried (Gotta) Fokk and the Dean of Students is Bitta Fokk who also chairs the Human Sexuality Department.
Prospective Student - Has anyone famous ever attended Fokk University?
Oh, yes, we have many graduates of distinction who have made names for themselves. To name just a very few: John Wilkes Booth, Roman Polanski, O. J., Charles Manson. Oswald and Sirhan Sirhan.
Prospective Student - Is it expensive to attend Fokk University?
Not at all. Tuition is practically non-existent and consists of merely a pledge to consign your first-born. Extra credit for first-born twins.
If you have any other questions, see me after lunch at 5:00 pm.
P.S. - But it's only 12 noon; you're taking a five-hour lunch break?
Psssssst! Is Prospective Student gone? Did he leave the building? Good! He's not suitable Fokk material - poor attitude!
© Copyright BJ Rakow Ph.D. 2011, 2013 Rev. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So."