Have we got a deal for you!
If you suffer from insomnia and watch advertorials in preference to watching the clock hands move, then you are a prime candidate for ringing up the number on the screen and ordering everything from an electric shaver for your dog to a swimming pool cleaning set, even though you don't have a pool and your dog doesn't shave.
I am especially drawn to commercials where the presenter passionately extols the virtue of a product using dialogue replete with superlatives.
"The greatest sale of the year"
"You'd be crazy to miss out on this deal"
"There is no other product like it"
It's amazing how many of these hyperbole assail us during several minutes of incessant and bombastic pummelling.
This got me thinking. Maybe I could do as good a job as any of these sales people. After all, I am a mathematics teacher who daily convinces students to believe that studying mathematics is easy and good for the soul.
As I succumb to this fantasy, mathematics and advertising merge into one.
Authoritatively staring into the TV camera, my sales approach is as follows.
Hi. Have I got a deal for you today.
How many times do we struggle to find the area of a triangle?
It's messy, right? Lots of time wasted computing the vertical height using Pythagoras’ theorem.
Like me, I'm sure you would rather spend the time practising times tables.
But no more! Heron’s formula is here.
Yes. Toss aside the tired formula for the area of a triangle.
Heron’s formula provides an easy way to find a triangle’s area using only what you already have.
That's right! We all know a triangle has three sides. And it's easy to measure the length of each side, yes?
We simply take the three lengths and substitute them straight into Heron's formula.
No fuss, no mess.
But what about the square root in the formula, I hear you ask?
Not a problem. Heron thought of everything.
Each Heron package comes complete with Square It, an easy to use algorithm that will have you estimating square roots in no time.
This is all we ask. Try Heron’s formula for 30 days. If by the end of that time you are not 150% convinced that it will solve all your triangle area problems, then simply return it for a full refund.
I'll say it again.
If you are not 150% happy with your purchase, just return it for a full refund, with the usual conditions that you pay for return postage and insurance.
But we're not finished! Now I have a special surprise.
If you’re one of the first 1,000,000 callers to order Heron’s formula, you will receive, absolutely free, a 10 page glossy booklet that lists in incredibly informative detail the first 100,000 digits of pi.
How good is that? Imagine what you can do with this information?
At your next dinner party, what greater entertainment can there be than for you to stand up and recite the first 50,000 digits of pi?
You can almost hear the enthusiastic applause of your guests and their cries of "encore, maestro".
But wait, there's more! For a limited time only, get 2 for the price of 1.
That’s right! Buy one Heron and receive another Heron ab-so-lute-ly free!
We all know two Herons are better than one. Keep one for yourself and give the other to a loved one.
Guys, your girlfriend will love to have a Heron of her own. Curled up in bed, what better reading can there be to put her in the right mood?
But you must ring now. This is a limited-time offer.
Yes, it's limited to as many sales as we can make!
So, what are you waiting for?
Pick up the phone now and speak with one of our friendly sales people.
And don’t forget to ask how you can upgrade your Heron’s formula package to our Euclid range.
This is truly a fantastic deal. The Euclid range not only contains the Heron package, it gives you exclusive access to the 24/7 hotline. Just imagine the convenience.
Heron and Euclid together will solve your area needs for many years to come.
Ring now and please be patient if you find all our lines are busy. It's worth the wait.
Ring now. We're waiting for your call.