Held By A Leash Of Insanity
ONCE AGAIN I ASK THAT YOU NOT JUDGE ME FOR MY PRIOR ACTIONS! THIS WAS MY LIFE THAT I LIVED AND IT WAS HELL. I HAVE STRUGGLED ALONG MY YEARS AND HAVE HIT A LOCK OF ROCKY MOUNTAINS SO PLEASE IF IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU I ASK YOU STOP READING. THANK YOU!
PLEASE BE ADVISE CONTENT MAY BE TO GRAPHIC!
First let me start off saying how did I start using drugs? Well I started using drugs after my daughter was born. My ex as you know was a drug and sex addict. There was no limitations as too what he would do with woman and sex. There was no way I was measuring up to all the girls he was being with while I was the innocent sweet girl in love. I had competition and I had to fight for my man. No one, no way, no how, was one of these tweeker brauds gonna take him from me.
I figured okay he wanted a girl to do whatever he wanted for him. Well that is just what I did. I asked him one day not to go out and to stay home with me and I would role play with him but he had to pass the pipe over. So he was curious and wanted to see how I would react under the influence now I didn’t know what to expect he just told me that it would boost my sexual status. I didn’t know what to expect so he flicked the lighter on and told me how to hold it. he told me when I would see the bowl smoke up to inhale till I couldn't anymore. So that’s exactly what I did. My first high boy did I enjoy every second of it. I had the one I loved with me and I wasn’t going to lose him. I was going to do just what he asked me.
He enjoyed having me get high with him because he didn’t have to go out as much and find a female to pleasure him that way anymore. But when he did it was way worse then what he had me do. I cannot elaborate too much without getting the hub flagged. The things he made other woman do for the drug and sexual pleasure was unbearable to think of. A simple degrading of the lowest. I couldn’t imagine doing sexual favors for a man that was not rightfully mine. I mean we all have our secrets and skeletal but I cannot even express the filth he was lying next to at times.
The getting high became a weekend routine. We would get high every weekend once night fell Friday night we where off and running to our next fix. Can you imagine a couple that worked hard during the week and had a home and a family to look after and had pretty successful jobs doing this and functioning? Would that be addiction or disease? Any how my kids would be dropped off with my mom or with a baby sitter on the weekend s and we would do our thing.
When we got high together we didn’t fight until the next day when all the fun of sex, porn, and sexual role playing was over. The come down as they call it. He would have psychitzophrenic experiences and hallucinate royally. That’s when the accusations of me cheating and the weird things began to happen. He would take black lights to my body and undress me to the nude and lay me down like a corps and take the black light over my body to see if I had been tampered with. I would have to sit and not move otherwise he would assume I was hiding something. I cried because he didn’t trust me but I loved him so I did what I was told. He would inspect every inch of my clothing and sniff them to see if I had any irregular odors. He would sit for hours and humiliate me and the abuse started to rise more than before.
At times I found myself in the bathroom tub holding a knife to my wrists wanting to end all, crying my lonely tears. I was so alone dealing with the craving of getting high working kids and a psycho ex husband was driving me crazy. The more I fell in the pits of hell the more I fell in love with him. How did that work I ask myself how now and I cannot find the reasoning behind it but that I was madly in love with him. It wasn’t fun anymore I was drowning in sorrow all because I wanted him to love me like he should of. I stood maybe because I was mentally ill and addicted to him.