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How I Uncovered the Story Lying in My Subconscious
How I uncovered the story lying in my subconscious
When I set out to become a writer, I knew there were stories within me, craving to be told. Just as in the case of all writers. But there was one story within me which was far from resolved. It was a tangled maze. That was my most inexplicable fantasy. It was something I would be ashamed of telling, because it was my deepest darkest part. It was the deepest layer of my subconscious mind. And I was not able to get rid of it despite of my greatest efforts.
I clearly remember the time when I started imagining this story. It was a vacation. To explain the circumstances I need to throw light on the house and family I grew up in. That part of my teenage years we were accommodated on the first floor of this two storied building. I remember that house as the Rapunzel’s tower. Just like how she stayed there seeing the world only from her window, my mind was lodged there, all there. Of course I had my parents with me, but I was a lonely child, with my curiosities and my dreams brewing up inside. I remember to have seen a television serial. I was indeed very much glued to the idiot box back then. Those days the television was full of unhappy couples. Yes, that was the super hit theme then. I remember noticing a couple from one such serial which I did not watch as much I did other serials or films. This only I remember as the source of these two characters which I stuck to me then. Yes it is a couple whom I liked to imagine in my leisure and otherwise in years to come. A couple estranged and truly complicated. I made then fight, I made them love, I made them make up and get back to each other. But I could never make them normal. One would not understand why I did it and why I could not stop myself from thinking of them. Yes even I could not understand why this happened to me again and again. I was helpless for years, the years of my teenage which is so valuable. Sometimes this came as an outlet for my dejections of the day, sometimes it came because I simply could not sleep well. Then slowly I discovered I was not only thinking about them but behaving like them and becoming like them. I had a dark vision about life and relationships; I could never imagine myself in a happy marriage and being loved. I felt pathetic. But this was not all. I was becoming the girl I saw in this story. I was reticent. Not interested in socializing, in fact I was socio phobic and a mentally troubled introvert. I was timid and submissive. I took help from a few counselors. But after an extent, their help did not work for me. I could not help myself. I cried a lot to find a key to unlock this mystery. I prayed and blamed the gods. I blamed my parents covertly for not bringing me up well. I was deeply troubled inside.
I struggled for more than ten years mentally captivated with two people who were trapped in me. For the last five years I had been reading books on psychology to understand the working of the mind , I would consult people who seemingly had the potential to help me. All I could gather was it was a result of my bad relationship with my parents. It was also the result of my emotional nature. And of course I landed on this realization that all my personality traits and problems, my past present and future was being ruled by this one knot within me which refused to be resolved. I knew about the human mind much better than the people around me. But there was this one single knot that I had to untie.
This continued till one day I came across a video on you tube while searching for my answer. After listening to it repeatedly, I went to my room in the night and escaped into solitude once again but with an aim. I lay on my bed in darkness. I went deeper and deeper into my mind and into my past. My most sensitive part was the criticism and rejection I got my parents. I started from them and then revisited all those incidences in my memory as a child and a teenager which were hurtful to me. One by one I visited them and tried to feel the pain and the hurt as a child. And then I said to myself that I forgave them. I cried and said loudly that I forgave all of those people involved, for one reason that I wanted to let go. I wanted to let go my past. I wanted to start things anew. I sincerely requested my mind to let go that hurt. I told myself that I did not have a neglected childhood but a special one. I realized that I had finally become the kind of girl I wanted to be in my growing years. Despite of my timidity, I was a kind and artistic girl. I believed more and more in the saying that you become what you think of becoming at the subconscious level.
It healed. Yes it healed. That night I fell into deep sleep. I was not getting proper sleep for some nights. But that night I had my most coveted deep sleep. From that I knew the message had reached there. I felt lucky finally. I was on the threshold of a transformation. Part two of this episode happened after a couple of months. My friend asked me to send a picture of mine. I had an exam the other day. I was run down, my shoulders were aching and it happened usually, so I had begun not to care. I adjusted my phone on a shelf and posed before it. When I saw my photo I noticed my tired appearance and sluggish look. Of course it was because I was run down. But then I noticed something important. It was my shoulder. One shoulder was higher than the other. Clearly, very much clearly. It took little time for me to remember the character that had such a deformity. It was a character from a book I read in the same vacation time when the story got into my head. The name of the girl was Rosanna from a mystery novel which was the first ever book I read. I mentioned the book whenever someone asked what my favorite book was. Not just because it was the first I read , but it was indeed a classic which most of the readers loved. One my sister’s friend had sent me this book suggesting that I would like it. I returned the book to her. And I never forgot it. But I barely knew it shaped my mind this way. I examined my mind further and remembered the deep sympathy I felt for this character in the novel, which loves the hero a lot but is rejected by him. The line the narrator described her with was “she had the misfortune of having one shoulder higher than the other”. She was a servant in the heroine’s house. She was an orphan who lived in a shack near the beach. After she is hurt by the rejection from the hero, she goes back to her shack and drowns herself in the sea. I realized I had imagined all these traits for myself through the character. There was one chapter describing her. There I was unraveling the layers in my mind. Opening my mind, petal by petal.
Later one day I decided to read the book once again. I did, going through the same excitement of an imaginative teenager. I healed after that. Gradually I could also overcome my biggest fear which was social rejection. I decided not to complain about the delay in discovering. I simply welcomed the transformation with a clear subconscious.