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How to Date an INFJ

Updated on April 3, 2017
SerenityHalo profile image

I'm a midwesterner with a background in writing and media. I write mainly relationship, dating, and heartbreak hubs.

INFJ personalities are desirable to date because:

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Connecting with the Psychic Type

If you are for certain that you have an INFJ in your threshold, know that this is a complicated waltz. It's not that an INFJ wants to be complicated, they're just kind of a perfectionist -- and particularly so in relationships. They're looking for the best match possible. So if they're giving you ANY time, that means most likely they have thought about it in advance.

On the other hand, sometimes an INFJ goes through a phase where they really just don't care -- and might be three sheets to the wind about who they date. This is an undesirable INFJ experience for you. It means they're unstable, and the reason why may be loaded.

INFJ folk are natural mystics. They're calling card to life is their intuition and their feelings. They're meant for people, but unlike ENFJs who automatically will be in a relationship, like from birth, INFJs can be religiously single, focused on their careers, or religiously monogamous. If they are stuck on someone in their head, they may refuse even thinking about anyone else, even if this person is only a crush. INFJs go through phases of wanting to be in love, wanting to be entirely single, and also just putting a bag on their head and forgetting the whole ordeal. Why might they have this paradox etched eternally into their soul? Why are they being so dramatic underneath a disguise of inner calm?

A big part of it is because INFJs are a lot bigger of people than most people know under the surface. INFJs are full of energy, brains, and emotions. When they like someone, it is heavy. Maybe not in a carnal way (that can happen) but in a more ethereal way that catches their otherworldly brain and heart. It's an experience that is great if kindled properly, but if an INFJ goes unrequited, this experience can not only suck, but be distracting to maintaining their likely busy life.

An INFJ longs for a relationship that most people don't have built into their software to be seeking. It is an exceptional experience that happens to them, and it may sound great if you've never had such a high burst of energy... but it can also be a burden. This is why after dealing with a heartache or two, the INFJ may throw romance to the side for a long stretch of time, especially if they can reasonably see that settling down is not required of them anytime soon... or at all.

So what an INJF craves is trust and peace. They are sharks for knowing when they have been two-timed, and they hate it with an intense passion when seeking for their mate. They can forgive, but they hate being required to forgive. They can also be baffled because grace is something that just comes out of them, and they're surprised by how generously they'll give that grace, and at other times they suffer in trying to find any of that grace to share for a human being -- who has somehow gotten on their black list.

If you want an INFJ, 9 out of 10 times you need to take it slow. Slow as in months or years. This will help them to do a background check on you. This will come from the conversations you have with them, and they'll be watching you and taking note. They actually enjoy this process. It's the "J" part of their personality working for them. They prefer that you befriend them before you date them. It's very weird to many of them to consider dating out of the blue. Many might not believe in the concept of dating. Or they may succumb to it out of necessity.

They don't like to force romance, they want it to unfold naturally, as graced by the universe, as if destiny. You need to be a little aggressive with an INFJ and also.... don't be too aggressive. That will make them question you. Eventually, an INFJ calms down from their perfectionist seeking. They realize everyone is human, including themselves. The more they understand the principles of forgiveness, the more ready they are for a relationship.

INFJ is worth your affections. It's like winning the king or queen. Not only do they make for some of the best relationships (if you have the wit for it), they are excellent parents. They don't want to be screwed over by people. They especially don't want to waste their time on someone when they could be working on creative projects that help propel them in the world. Wasting time on a person seems backwards to the INFJ.

INFJs do connect well if you touch them. This is one way they can tell whether they trust you or not. However, this is one of the most unusual things about an INFJ -- they're obsessed with virtue and character, and probably are more on the side of waiting till marriage. You probably are not going to meet that many adult virgins nor INFJs. However, they'll all know each other because they've probably studied similar things in college and hang out together.... and are still confused why they're all single. INFJs tend to be together in herds. They like writing, music, creativity, and spirituality. You'll probably find a whole herd of single INFJs at a church... or library.

This particular personality is sensitive. They are more so in dating than friendship. They can write off the things of friends, but when it comes to dating -- do not cancel on them, avoid being late, do be interesting, do be random, do be spontaneous. They don't do well with boring. They're more likely to date, rather jump on the back of a motorcycle with a complete stranger (because they're in their committed single phase) than spend time with a guy who is so boring that he talks about the colors he likes to paint walls.

To woe an INFJ, have a list of entertaining, bizarre activities to enjoy. They don't care if they go to it and hate it, the fact that it's original is endearing and novel to them that they might not even know if the activity was a bust or not. Just the fact that is it was different is a far cry from boring. Avoid going out and getting drinks -- this isn't going to be memorable. INFJs, whether or not they tell you, or even consider the things they do as dates, have the most interesting dates possible. They love dates because they get to show off the spontaneous sides that they have while also having the ability to time everything mysteriously well.

Does it seem like your INFJ has something stuck up their butt? INFJs are know-it alls. They don't always see this, but they can ramble about a number of various subjects for ages. If you want to have something more sensual, you'll have to help frame that. Again, they're not going to do anything behind doors with you unless there's a pretty serious commitment on the table... or they're out of their minds. They're not as big of prudes as you may think. In fact, they'll probably surprise you and themselves. Again, they have an unimaginable amount of energy coursing through their veins both intuitively and in the feeling department. They're creative and know how to generally visualize and understand things. They can check off the bedroom as another activity that they've mastered.

Before that -- you have to build your trust with them right. They won't give you a chance to see most sides of them, unless they feel that you've earned it.

Giving an INFJ alcohol to try to help them connect with you can backfire wildly. Giving an INFJ alcohol is like playing Russian Roulette. You don't know what's going to happen with this random person -- and nor do they. It could turn into a summersault of strange, embarrassing emotions, or the coolest and greatest thing you've ever seen. INFJs are not known for holding their liquor. It goes against their hardwiring. It's kind of like seeing a computer glitch and freak out. It can be entertaining, but it isn't controllable. There's a lot that an INFJ is noticing about people, and when they're lips are loose they can say too many things that are better left hidden.

INFJs need time to think and ponder and marinade. Each interaction you give to an INFJ will be considered by them and reviewed often. The words you say, the gifts, the way you touch them -- will make them wonder if you are right for them.

Successfully Dating an INFJ

Here's some additional tips.

1. Compliment them. INFJs tend to be writers and word enthusiasts. Complimenting them will help start the conversation. An original one will get their attention, but be careful not to get too weird on a compliment or it'll just come off playful... not flirtatious.

2. If you have to cancel, apologize sincerely. Get them a gift. Reschedule. If you do this a lot -- consider yourself out of their interest.

3. Write them a letter. Be classy and old fashioned. It'll catch them off guard.

4. If they have a pet, treat them like a queen or king. INFJs are all about cute children and animals.

5. Get along with their families. INFJs hold a special place in most families.

6. Take a shower. Dress nice.

7. Be flexible. Being too strict or rigid might throw them off.

8. INFJs have moments where they will say something sharply out of the blue. Don't investigate it too much. They're being direct with you. They're probably right about something, so don't try to shake things up too much.

9. Treat them to a nice dinner.

10. Do you have a bachelor pad or bachelorette pad? They won't think that's cool at all.

11. Learn plenty of skills to impress them. Languages, musical instruments, dances, and whatever. Keep the conversation toward their interests.

12. INFJs are great eavesdroppers. If they understand the conversation and know of anything related -- they'll chime in. Try to help them by going toward categories they understand

13. Asking them to help you with your homework means you're asking for homework help. This doesn't go much else with them.

14. If they're already taken -- you don't stand a chance.

15. Console them if their really emotional. Reassure them gently.

16. Don't smother them too much. That will send them into introverted retreat mode.

17. If you get too lazy and make them feel more like a maid or servant -- they might drop you.

18. They will love you to the moon and back and be obsessed with you if they see a great connection. When they are ready to cut you if you cross them, they'll completely cut you from their lives.

19. Probably not into sports.

20. Give them a hug every time you see them.

© 2015 Andrea Lawrence


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    • profile image

      Boe 2 years ago

      I am an INFJ and this is all 100% true! lol

    • profile image

      Olivia 2 years ago

      I am an infj and i never really let anyone but my fiancé hug me, like just one arm 3 pats hug for parents but it's really important to me that he does. How did you know?

    • profile image

      Trinity 23 months ago

      me to a T! Nice to be understood finally! Good job to whoever wrote this!

    • profile image

      Lei 22 months ago

      As an INFJ I agree with everything written. The problem is that I realize that I'm too much work... I don't know guys that will invest that much in a relationship and will be willing to take it slow =\

    • SerenityHalo profile image

      Andrea Lawrence 22 months ago from Chicago

      It may take time, but there's definitely guys out there who would be that patient. And it's totally worth it.

    • asqueezeoflemon profile image

      Erika 13 months ago

      I'm an INFJ - totally agree with all of this, thank you!

    • profile image

      Lola 8 months ago

      This is so accurate... if there was ever a manual for dating me, this would basically be it haha

    • SerenityHalo profile image

      Andrea Lawrence 8 months ago from Chicago

      Glad I could create such a manual as this!

    • profile image

      Ava 4 months ago

      Found myself laughing out loud. So damn true!!

    • profile image

      Samantha 4 months ago

      Bizarre how spot on this is.

    • Eunice Simon profile image

      Eunice Simon 2 months ago

      I'm an INFJ and I love sports...

    • profile image

      Laura P 4 weeks ago

      I like sports! Everything else is spot on!

    • SerenityHalo profile image

      Andrea Lawrence 3 weeks ago from Chicago

      You are not the first to say this; it appears some INFJ types like sports. :)

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