ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to waste a perfectly good life; the step by step guide

Updated on February 7, 2009

Everyone else is doing it, so why not you too?

The best part about getting people to waste their lives is that since most people are already doing it, my target audience is very small, and I can easily focus my time and efforts on them.

On a daily basis, people are not living up to their potential, not pursuing their dreams, not making long term goals,and generally not giving any thought to their future or the outcome of their life.

I mean, who wants to leave a legacy anyway? Who wants to be remembered for their greatness and how they touched and changed lives? That takes too much work. Why spend time traveling and seeing the world when I'm perfectly comfortable and complacent punching the clock? A great life you say? Psshaaaw! You don't know what you're missing here in the matrix!

Trust me, you'll learn to love it here in the land of mediocrity. We'll get you a job with benefits, and you'll only have to work for like 45-55 years. How about some digital cable! With Tivo! You can watch the travel channel, it's less hassle than the real thing anyway. And don't read BOOKS! Just stay home and watch some TV. We have all kinds of shows to make you feel better about yourself and distract you from your reality. You deserve it after being at that dead end job all day, working for someone else's dream. Just relax..... now isn't this great?

Okay so here's how you get here. Write this down, I'm giving you the directions:

Step one: Set yourself up for failure

Do not seek counsel from successful people. You might end up like them. Only get your information from people who are not successful in life and who do not have what you want in life. Do not even associate with those reject misfits who want "more" out of life. Surround yourself with others who also have no direction, no ambition. Your misery depends on it.

I would highly recommend you taking advice only from those not qualified to give it, i.e. taking career advice from friends who still live with their mothers, or financial advice from someone who takes on equity loans to buy cars and pay for vacations. These people obviously have the best practices, and their advice is usually free and abundant, so take advantage. Either listen to everybody, or listen to nobody. This will truly get you nowhere in life, which is exactly where you want to be. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to think for yourself!

You see how much easier it is to be lazy and live a life of mediocrity? No contest!! Simply keep doing what you're already doing! No effort required! Man, this is easy!

Step two: Abandon all hope

Do not focus on any goals or dreams. Conform to the idea of, "This is how it's always been. This is all there is..." Forget about your ambitions, discard all belief. This will only serve to distract you from the daily grind of your humdrum life. People might start looking at you funny, and your parents definitely won't approve! Just go to school, get a good education, a good job with benefits, and work for the rest of your life like everyone else. Easy does it. No need to rock the boat, might cause waves.

See, the problem with dreams is that you might fail. And you're afraid of failure, remember? Better to dream small and get it, than to dream BIG and almost get it, I always say. Besides, think of all the hard work it takes to succeed. Sure, you always learn from your mistakes, and success is always worth it, but who wants the responsibility of success? Not me. I'd rather just worry all the time about the things that might happen, about what might go wrong. It's sooo much easier to just sit on my rear and watch Tv, and see other successful people live out their dreams.

Step three: Put priority on things with short term value

Do not invest in your long term vision. Forget about what you want out of life. Only focus on the here and now. Work all year so you can afford a two week vacation. Or better yet, put it on your credit card! I mean who needs financial freedom? What would you do with all that time? You might get bored. Early retirement? Are you kidding me? Like that's possible. Besides, this is what everyone else is doing, and they're just fine, aren't they?

Don't worry about taking action now to be secure for the future. I'm sure if it was meant to happen, it will. So there's nothing else you can do about it. Duh! Besides, you need that 52' flat screen LCD TV. You need some nice rims on your old, beat up car. You need another pair of shoes. You need more clothes! And you need all these things right now!! Just charge it! They wouldn't give you that credit card if you didn't deserve this stuff! So put your dreams on hold, and your needs on credit. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! Now your wasting life like the pros! Let's go watch some reality TV, or better yet some Jerry Springer! Hey, at least your not like them. Those guys are really messed up. Yup, you can always rely on some Springer action to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

Step four: Forget about passion

Do not do the things you love.This might lead to hope, or even worse, happiness. If you're happy, you might smile. And remember, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, and you could use the exercise, what with all that sitting in front of the TV. Being passionate about something could have a negative impact on your work schedule. You don't want to interrupt your daily routine of: Wake up. Get ready. Go to work. Come home. Watch TV. Go to bed. Repeat.

Besides, you wouldn't want to stand out from the crowd. Remember, people might look at you funny. Doing something you're passionate about might cause you to care about people, or animals, or music, the environment, or human rights! Ughh! I can smell the responsibility already! Accountability like that always leads to commitment, which leads to results, which leads to trust. And you know what happens when people start trusting you. That's right, they start depending on you. They know they can count on you, so they come to you for guidance and all that mumbo jumbo. No thank you! I'll have none of that "making a difference" happening here!

My tombstone will read, verbatim : "here lies someone. He lived. He died." The more lives you touch, the more people that might be sad to see you go. And who want's that? It's much better if people never even notice you. That's why we're here, aren't we? Simply to take up space and then die? Makes sense to me...

Step five: Give in to the status quo

Do not strive for more out of life. Better to just lay down and die. We already picked out your epitaph, remember? Never get your hopes up. You might be let down. And who wants to be disappointed? At least life as a Lemming has security right? Doesn't it? At least no one ever disappoints you at work, do they? I mean, your company has your best interest in mind, don't they? And I'm sure your kids are happy that you're gone all the time. They don't need you at home to teach them about life. What if they developed hope or ambition? What happens if they want more out of life? Shudder at the thought!

The last thing you want is for your kids to interrupt this cycle of perpetual, ignorant bliss. Talk about some major damage control. I mean, what would the neighbors think!? So just lead by example and do nothing in life, and I'm sure your children will follow in suit. Everything will be just fine. We've got a nice little corner cubicle ready and waiting for them, and a school curriculum that will teach them just how to get here. Just make sure they don't start hanging with the wrong crowds. Heaven forbid they should fall under the influence of someone who is involved in leadership! Those guys are the absolute worst! Leaders are dealers in hope! Can you believe that? Giving hope to a perfectly content Lemming? The audacity!

But don't you fret. I'm sure if we get to our children early on, we can evade those pesky "leaders" and their positive ways. Just be diligent. Tell your children to spend years and years studying hard to be something they hate. Make sure they only do it because you wanted it, only because it pays well, or has good benefits. Squelch any attempts they may make at doing something they love. Do not, under any circumstances, let them follow a dream, or their own passions! We have got to act now people! Make your children watch MTV, it's the only way! Buy them an Xbox or a Playstation 3. Block out the History channel, Discovery channel, TLC, and Animal Planet. The information these provide could potentially be detrimental to their hopeless futures! And speaking of potential, make sure your children's is never realized. Keep reading to a minimum, only for school. Can you imagine if they got a hold of a book like "The Magic Of Thinking Big"? Or if they read hubs such as this or even this??

Never ask questions

The best way to waste a perfectly good life is to never ask questions. Simply follow directions and orders to a tee and you will arrive exactly where you need to be. Nowhere.

So abide by the nice little Hub and do what the man says, and no one will be hurt, or disappointed. Just in case, here are some questions you should never, ever ask yourself. Or anyone else, for that matter;

•What matters most to you? What would you be willing to fight and die for? Sacrifice for? And what are you doing in your life to get closer to these things?

What is your personal mission statement? What are the guidelines in your life that you use when it comes to the "hard" questions or decisions?

•Would the child you once were be impressed with the person you are now? As you traveled through life, did you leave each place a little nicer than when you came? Did you accomplish the things you wanted, or do you have more regrets than dreams?

•Ten years from now, what will you be glad you decided to do today? What will you look back on and be proud of?

•If your life were a movie, and you could write the script, how would it go? Would it be anything like it is now? How would it end?

And finally,

What will people say at your funeral? How will you be remembered? Will people line up to boast about how you touched their lives and the positive impact you had on everyone around you? Or will only one or two people get up to speak, having to search and search for positive things to say, or make it up all together? Will your children have any fond memories of you? Will they even know you?

So, there you have it. Never ask yourself these questions, for they might lead you to a better life, an awakening of the spirit, or an overall sense of well being.

We need more Lemmings! They seem to have issues with following others off the cliff, and dying senseless deaths. So please, send us some replacements. Teach your children to be social robots. Pass down that old, industrial age thinking. Who cares that it's the information age? Information can be dangerous when put in the wrong hands. Information can lead to education, which leads to creativity and free thinking. I had a friend who went that route.

Sure, he seemed happy on the outside, all smiling and laughing all the time, enjoying "life." But think of all that responsibility, all those poor souls depending on you for direction, wanting you to make a difference in their lives. Why would anyone want such a thing? Then you have to teach your children how to think for themselves, and they cause trouble in school. And eventually, it turns into this vicious cycle of learning, growing, acheivement, and success, blah blah blah.

What a freakin' waste.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Deepa damodaran profile image


      6 weeks ago from India

      Hilarious! Have you read Collin Wilson? If not, you should.

    • Say Yes To Life profile image

      Yoleen Lucas 

      3 years ago from Big Island of Hawaii

      I LOVE IT!!!

      I'm going to go waste some of my life right now!

    • Midianite profile image


      7 years ago from Australia

      Awesome post dude!

    • kirstenblog profile image


      7 years ago from London UK

      There is another bit of advice I either missed or is not here so I will add, gratis

      When you manage to stumble on some success in life, dismiss and discount it! Beware of deriving any pride or pleasure from those accidental successes otherwise you might get it into your head that you can experience great success with actual effort. That accidental success is just likely to confuse you if you do not toss it to the side without a close look!

    • Manna in the wild profile image

      Manna in the wild 

      7 years ago from Australia

      Brilliant. I've been thinking of doing something similar. How NOT to design a railway system. (Based on cityrail here in Sydney).

    • profile image 

      9 years ago

      I enjoyed this - it made me smile and made me think. Two things I don't do often enough.

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • tdarby profile image


      9 years ago

      So good!

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      An even better goal for everyone would be to try and stop that which al fear and then no one will waste time as all will have as much as they want and need. Science might eventually do it.

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Ofcourse! The first step is to define what success means to you (keeping it legal, moral, and ethical). Then learn how to achieve that success, and from who.

    • LondonGirl profile image


      9 years ago from London

      I would add, though, that a "good life" can't necessaily be measured in exams passed, or money earned. It can also be in children being brought up, volunteer work done, pictures painted - any number of things.

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      HUGE, actually. I only wish they knew who they were...

    • Lifebydesign profile image


      9 years ago from Australia

      You mean your target audience is very big. lol! This should serve as inspiration.

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Well said!

      "Any dream you can achieve by yourself, is too small"

    • LondonGirl profile image


      9 years ago from London

      "A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Well thank you Elena! I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the comment, and support!

    • Elena. profile image


      9 years ago from Madrid

      Hi ParadigmShift! I absolutely fell for this line: "Trust me, you'll learn to love it here in the land of mediocrity." The rest was a total joy ride, you have a new fan!

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      It's life's irony. Sometimes it's selfishness too. People don't stop and try to help others get out too. Instead they step on whoever they have to to get up and out.

      And still other's just don't want to see it. It's like the matrix. Once you take that pill, and you see the truth, there's no going back. Some people prefer the blissful ignorance.

      There's also an oxymoronic part to it. People are too comfortable to see the truth, and they need to see the truth in order to get out of their comfort zones. It's like the credit oxymoron, you can't get a credit card without good credit history, but you can't get credit history without the credit!! Whatever!

    • Teresa McGurk profile image


      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Great hub. Why is it that nearly the only folk who can see what the lemmings are doing -- are those who have taken the exit ramp already? Or who at least see that there's an exit ramp up ahead, and plan to take it?

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Thank you for the comment AND compliment Belinda!

    • Belinda Hodge profile image

      Belinda Hodge 

      9 years ago from Brisbane Australia

      Totally brilliant!

    • RGraf profile image

      Rebecca Graf 

      9 years ago from Wisconsin

      This is a great piece. I was one of those people and now I'm saying to goodbye to all that. I'm stepping out and seeking out my dreams. I want my children to remember me and with kindness. I want to enjoy the time on earth no matter how long or short it may be. I'm not going to join you in wasting my life :). Thank you for this.

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Thank you for such a compliment Shalini. It is truly well received from someone who has written great hubs herself!

      cw - I forgot to add "humble". Even if you don't feel you deserve it, it's still true.  I will continue to praise the good in you I see. Like Dale Carnegie says in "How to Win Friends and Influence People", - Give people a great reputation to live up to -

    • countrywomen profile image


      9 years ago from Washington, USA

      PS- You made my day " compassion, patience, and understanding" even if I don't possess all that as Shalini has said I will try to have a Paradigm shift in that direction..LOL

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 

      9 years ago from India

      omg - what have I been doing with my life? What a perfect roadmap - I need a paradigm shift!!!

      Great hub - satire par excellence - thumbs up!

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      wandererh - I agree. It is easy to get stuck in your comfort zone. And keep in mind this hub is highly opinionated with , well, my opinion. Who knows, maybe some people are actually meant to just kind of float through life. If you think about it, without those people, I would have no inspiration for writing hubs like this one!

      Leaders could not lead without followers and those in need of guidance. Thus, everyone still has a purpose, even if their purpose is to have no purpose! (shrugs)

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      cw - It's obvious he passed on some of his wisdom to his beautiful and bright daughter. He also taught her compassion, patience, and understanding. I'm sure he would be proud.

      Cris - Unfortunately, the ones who don't think this makes sense are the ones who need it the most. And probably aren't going to read it. Ah, "Sweet Irony!"

    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 

      9 years ago from Singapore

      There is something to be said for not living up to your potential, for not pursuing your dreams, for not making long term goals, and generally not giving any thought to your future or the outcome of your life - it is such a comfortable place to be in that you really want to stay there for the rest of your life.

      But having said that, whether you spend your life pushing the boundaries, or staying right smack in the middle of your comfort zone, the final destination is certain. Might as well try to make yourself useful to the world, or make something of yourself.

      Just my 2 cents. :)

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      I don't think I would be needing a guide as wasting my life comes naturally! LOL kidding aside, thanks for the make perfect sense :D

    • countrywomen profile image


      9 years ago from Washington, USA

      PS- I totally agree with you(my dad was a wise person unlike me)...LOL

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      I'm glad you liked it Frank. Thanks for stopping by!

    • FrankRod profile image


      9 years ago

      Very funny, and couldn't be more true. Well done...

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Christoph - I think that would be the case for most people these days, except it would be the BANK with the tear in their eye!!

      countrywomen - your father was a wize man

      ajcor - travel channel is looking better and better with the price of flights these days! But I still have a dream of traveling the world and acquiring musical instruments from each culture.

      Thanks for the comments!

    • ajcor profile image


      9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Thanks Paradigm Shift - you know I have always wanted to travel - & particularly to the USA next November; but maybe on your so subtle advice I will just hope I can find what I am looking for on the travel channel - much cheaper and as you so rightly say much less hassle! ...yeah yeah I did get it ...good thought provoking hub!

    • hubber-2009 profile image


      9 years ago from India

      by reading this page?

    • countrywomen profile image


      9 years ago from Washington, USA

      ParadigmShift- Great hub. My father once said we learn from successful what to do and from unsuccessful people what not to do.

      Christoph- If somebody says that on your grave maybe you will come out(leo's ego) just to return his money (like Chris Angel back from the grave) and we all get have some more pleasure of your company...hehe

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      9 years ago from St. Louis

      An ancient Chinese proverb says, "Fall down seven times...stand up eight."  I say, "Fall down seven times...stay down and have another beer!"

      Great hub and supurb choice of pics!  Oh, yea, I know what they'll say at my funereal: With a tear in their eye they will say, "I can't believe he's gone...he owed me money."

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      jforrest, quensday, Lisa - Thank you for the comments! I hope this hub inspired some soul searching. It was not my intention to point fingers or shake my head at anyone, just to make people think about what they really want in life.

      Lisa, I'm glad it spoke to you. Remember, the only way to change your results in life is to change the way you think. You will never rise above your own thinking!!

    • Lisa Nance profile image

      Lisa Nance 

      9 years ago from North Carolina Mountains

      Great wake up call, ParadigmShift! It could not have come at a better time in my life...Thanks for this hub.

    • quensday profile image


      9 years ago from New York

      Thank god I came across your life-changing hub! All this time, I was looking for ways to spill my life over, but my efforts resulted in a trivial trickling away of time! After reading this refreshing article, my life wasting skills increased dramatically =))

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      This was enjoyable to read. Well done.

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Thanks for the comment. Actually, there is some really good sugggestions if you read between the lines. Or think opposite...

    • Bruce Elkin profile image

      Bruce Elkin 

      9 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

      Sweet satire! Loved it. And there's good advice in it, too. But I'm not taking it, don't worry! Thanks!

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Ileana, Wow! That is a huge compliment! Thank you. I'm glad I could encourage a little "beyond the status quo" thinking.

    • Ileana profile image


      9 years ago from Texas

      Very thought provoking. There's so much to do out in this great big world, I'm e-mailing this to all my friends!

    • ParadigmShift... profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Exactly! I think. Wait, you are responding to my sarcastic hub with your own sarcastic comment, right? Ofcourse you are. I just read your profile. Surely, you got the gist of the message in this hub. I'm glad to see that yours is truly an UNwasted life! Thanks for the comment

    • Nordy profile image


      9 years ago from Canada

      What a brilliant hub! Recently I have been thinking that I've had far too many diverse and enriching life experiences and that the happiness they have brought me is a bit overwhelming. But to be honest - I just didn't know what to do to change things. Now you've written this hub I have had an epiphany! Thank you so much... I will log out right now and settle in for a few hours of television. I can't think of a better way of spending an evening than zoning out infront of copious episodes of Law and Order or CSI. Hopefully, there will also be a few dozen drug advertisements that can will help me find my inner vegetative peace!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)