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How to Waste a Perfectly Good Life; the Step-by-Step Guide

Updated on April 3, 2022

Everyone else is doing it, so why not you too?

The best part about getting people to waste their lives is that since most people are already doing it, my target audience is very small, and I can easily focus my time and efforts on them.

On a daily basis, people are not living up to their potential, not pursuing their dreams, not making long term goals,and generally not giving any thought to their future or the outcome of their life.

I mean, who wants to leave a legacy anyway? Who wants to be remembered for their greatness and how they touched and changed lives? That takes too much work. Why spend time traveling and seeing the world when I'm perfectly comfortable and complacent punching the clock? A great life you say? Psshaaaw! You don't know what you're missing here in the matrix!

Trust me, you'll learn to love it here in the land of mediocrity. We'll get you a job with benefits, and you'll only have to work for like 45-55 years. How about some digital cable! With A Smart TV! You can watch the travel channel, it's less hassle than the real thing anyway. And don't read BOOKS! Just stay home and watch some TV. We have all kinds of shows to make you feel better about yourself and distract you from your reality. You deserve it after being at that dead end job all day, working for someone else's dream. Just relax..... now isn't this great?

Okay so here's how you get here. Write this down, I'm giving you the directions:

Step one: Set yourself up for failure

Do not seek counsel from successful people. You might end up like them. Only get your information from people who are not successful in life and who do not have what you want in life. Do not even associate with those reject misfits who want "more" out of life. Surround yourself with others who also have no direction, no ambition. Your misery depends on it.

I would highly recommend you taking advice only from those not qualified to give it, i.e. taking career advice from friends who still live with their mothers, or financial advice from someone who takes on equity loans to buy cars and pay for vacations. These people obviously have the best practices, and their advice is usually free and abundant, so take advantage. Either listen to everybody, or listen to nobody. This will truly get you nowhere in life, which is exactly where you want to be. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to think for yourself!

You see how much easier it is to be lazy and live a life of mediocrity? No contest!! Simply keep doing what you're already doing! No effort required! Man, this is easy!

Step two: Abandon all hope

Do not focus on any goals or dreams. Conform to the idea of, "This is how it's always been. This is all there is..." Forget about your ambitions, discard all belief. This will only serve to distract you from the daily grind of your humdrum life. People might start looking at you funny, and your parents definitely won't approve! Just go to school, get a good education, a good job with benefits, and work for the rest of your life like everyone else. Easy does it. No need to rock the boat, might cause waves.

See, the problem with dreams is that you might fail. And you're afraid of failure, remember? Better to dream small and get it, than to dream BIG and almost get it, I always say. Besides, think of all the hard work it takes to succeed. Sure, you always learn from your mistakes, and success is always worth it, but who wants the responsibility of success? Not me. I'd rather just worry all the time about the things that might happen, about what might go wrong. It's sooo much easier to just sit on my rear and watch Tv, and see other successful people live out their dreams.

Step three: Put priority on things with short term value

Do not invest in your long term vision. Forget about what you want out of life. Only focus on the here and now. Work all year so you can afford a two week vacation. Or better yet, put it on your credit card! I mean who needs financial freedom? What would you do with all that time? You might get bored. Early retirement? Are you kidding me? Like that's possible. Besides, this is what everyone else is doing, and they're just fine, aren't they?

Don't worry about taking action now to be secure for the future. I'm sure if it was meant to happen, it will. So there's nothing else you can do about it. Duh! Besides, you need that 80" screen Smart TV. You need some nice rims on your old, beat up car. You need another pair of shoes. You need more clothes! And you need all these things right now!! Just charge it! They wouldn't give you that credit card if you didn't deserve this stuff! So put your dreams on hold, and your needs on credit. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! Now your wasting life like the pros! Let's go watch some reality TV, or better yet some Jerry Springer! Hey, at least your not like them. Those guys are really messed up. Yup, you can always rely on some Springer action to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

Step four: Forget about passion

Do not do the things you love.This might lead to hope, or even worse, happiness. If you're happy, you might smile. And remember, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, and you could use the exercise, what with all that sitting in front of the TV. Being passionate about something could have a negative impact on your work schedule. You don't want to interrupt your daily routine of: Wake up. Get ready. Go to work. Come home. Watch TV. Go to bed. Repeat.

Besides, you wouldn't want to stand out from the crowd. Remember, people might look at you funny. Doing something you're passionate about might cause you to care about people, or animals, or music, the environment, or human rights! Ughh! I can smell the responsibility already! Accountability like that always leads to commitment, which leads to results, which leads to trust. And you know what happens when people start trusting you. That's right, they start depending on you. They know they can count on you, so they come to you for guidance and all that mumbo jumbo. No thank you! I'll have none of that "making a difference" happening here!

My tombstone will read, verbatim : "here lies someone. He lived. He died." The more lives you touch, the more people that might be sad to see you go. And who want's that? It's much better if people never even notice you. That's why we're here, aren't we? Simply to take up space and then die? Makes sense to me...

Step five: Give in to the status quo

Do not strive for more out of life. Better to just lay down and die. We already picked out your epitaph, remember? Never get your hopes up. You might be let down. And who wants to be disappointed? At least life as a Lemming has security right? Doesn't it? At least no one ever disappoints you at work, do they? I mean, your company has your best interest in mind, don't they? And I'm sure your kids are happy that you're gone all the time. They don't need you at home to teach them about life. What if they developed hope or ambition? What happens if they want more out of life? Shudder at the thought!

The last thing you want is for your kids to interrupt this cycle of perpetual, ignorant bliss. Talk about some major damage control. I mean, what would the neighbors think!? So just lead by example and do nothing in life, and I'm sure your children will follow in suit. Everything will be just fine. We've got a nice little corner cubicle ready and waiting for them, and a school curriculum that will teach them just how to get here. Just make sure they don't start hanging with the wrong crowds. Heaven forbid they should fall under the influence of someone who is involved in leadership! Those guys are the absolute worst! Leaders are dealers in hope! Can you believe that? Giving hope to a perfectly content Lemming? The audacity!

But don't you fret. I'm sure if we get to our children early on, we can evade those pesky "leaders" and their positive ways. Just be diligent. Tell your children to spend years and years studying hard to be something they hate. Make sure they only do it because you wanted it, only because it pays well, or has good benefits. Squelch any attempts they may make at doing something they love. Do not, under any circumstances, let them follow a dream, or their own passions! We have got to act now people! Make your children watch the Kardashians, it's the only way! Buy them an Xbox or a Playstation. Block out the History channel, Discovery channel, TLC, and Animal Planet. The information these provide could potentially be detrimental to their hopeless futures! And speaking of potential, make sure your children's is never realized. Keep reading to a minimum, only for school. Can you imagine if they got a hold of a book like "The Magic Of Thinking Big"? Or if they read hubs such as this or even this??

Never ask questions

The best way to waste a perfectly good life is to never ask questions. Simply follow directions and orders to a tee and you will arrive exactly where you need to be. Nowhere.

So abide by the nice little Hub and do what the man says, and no one will be hurt, or disappointed. Just in case, here are some questions you should never, ever ask yourself. Or anyone else, for that matter;

•What matters most to you? What would you be willing to fight and die for? Sacrifice for? And what are you doing in your life to get closer to these things?

What is your personal mission statement? What are the guidelines in your life that you use when it comes to the "hard" questions or decisions?

•Would the child you once were be impressed with the person you are now? As you traveled through life, did you leave each place a little nicer than when you came? Did you accomplish the things you wanted, or do you have more regrets than dreams?

•Ten years from now, what will you be glad you decided to do today? What will you look back on and be proud of?

•If your life were a movie, and you could write the script, how would it go? Would it be anything like it is now? How would it end?

And finally,

What will people say at your funeral? How will you be remembered? Will people line up to boast about how you touched their lives and the positive impact you had on everyone around you? Or will only one or two people get up to speak, having to search and search for positive things to say, or make it up all together? Will your children have any fond memories of you? Will they even know you?

So, there you have it. Never ask yourself these questions, for they might lead you to a better life, an awakening of the spirit, or an overall sense of well being.

We need more Lemmings! They seem to have issues with following others off the cliff, and dying senseless deaths. So please, send us some replacements. Teach your children to be social robots. Pass down that old, industrial age thinking. Who cares that it's the information age? Information can be dangerous when put in the wrong hands. Information can lead to education, which leads to creativity and free thinking. I had a friend who went that route.

Sure, he seemed happy on the outside, all smiling and laughing all the time, enjoying "life." But think of all that responsibility, all those poor souls depending on you for direction, wanting you to make a difference in their lives. Why would anyone want such a thing? Then you have to teach your children how to think for themselves, and they cause trouble in school. And eventually, it turns into this vicious cycle of learning, growing, acheivement, and success, blah blah blah.

What a freakin' waste.


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