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I am Aida

Updated on July 13, 2009

This is probably why it's so weird for me that I'm now with a man... and it's probably what I needed to get so that I could just be with anyone

In my Success seminar through Landmark Education, I had just discovered that I still thought I was going to hell for being gay. I thought I was pure evil and didn't deserve to have success in my life... and I decided to go public with this new discovery. When the seminar leader asked us to share what is possible out of the insights we had just gotten out of the exercise we had just done I stood up to share and said, "I could be gay..."

Written November 13, 2008 "My entire life, I've been someone that embraces the things I'm resigned about it being any other way. Being weird, not belonging, being different, having my dad's body... I stepped into all that and wore it "proudly". Last night, I learned of something else I "wear proudly"... that I'm gay. When I was 16, I was suicidal in discovering I might be gay. I couldn't live with it, I would rather be dead than gay. It was just one more thing that wasn't right about me. Except this particular thing is "pure evil". I am going to hell for this... now God doesn't even want me! You have no idea how many times I prayed for him to take this from me and I believed he already stopped listening to me. I attempted suicide 3 times because I loved a girl.

I never let this go, to this very day. I've been in 3 relationships. One of which was serious, a marriage, that I could not let survive. I got why my life looks the way it does. Living at my parents is keeping me from being in a relationship. I can't be successful because "I'm evil and don't deserve it". I don't hang out with my gay friends. I can't participate in the protests or rallies because "it really makes no difference to me whether I can marry a lesbian or not". I almost even voted Yes on Prop 8... that's how evil I thought I was. Voting Yes would make me "right by God", and I would have at least one thing going for me. I even declared "I am bisexual" to give myself and my family hope. I couldn't get all the communication that was given to me regarding money. None of it made a difference because "how does it pertain to me? I don't make money". That's a lie. I do make money but "I don't deserve it, I'm evil".

For the first time last night I heard, and got, that I have a say in what I suffer over. I am not at the effect of being gay. I could hear the communication about money and the words "be open to money" were well received... kids, you are about to experience a whole new person after today... stay tuned for the new adventures! ;)"

Written December 6, 2008 "Joel, 76 years old, is so excited to see me. He extends his arms out to hug me and it's so sweet to me because this is not typical of him. He tells me as we embrace, "we were just talking about you and I was talking about you at my work yesterday". I am shocked and really honored to have been topic of a conversation that had Joel excited to share. Phil, possibly in his mid 50s, the first words I hear from him are, "Do you get that you are a hero to so many people? When the leaders are talking about... all these distinctions, I think 'that's her!' you are exactly all of the distinctions and the fact that you have gone public with it [that I'm pure evil because I'm gay] has made you a hero to so many people". Phil is not in my seminar, his wife is. He is in my leadership program with me so he's heard about me as well as experienced me. I have a public life. The scope and reach I have is expanding almost daily. There are people meeting me now in programs that have been hearing about me for a while and are just connecting my name with my face. It is so amazing to be talked about so highly and to see the look on the faces of the people that finally got to meet me in person... it's like they are "star struck"... wow... this is my life...


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    • Myriad profile image

      Myriad 8 years ago from the bottom of your heart .. ie chennai!

      Well fantastic post ..Clear insights .. I m with you ..all the way . It is very proud and enlightening to read you :) keep posting such inspiring posts !