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I want to die, but please don’t worry about me.
I want to die.
I want to die. I say it so often I sometimes believe it. I hate each time I hear myself say it because I know once the thought is there it will just grow, until I finish the cycle so to speak. I used to talk to people about it, but then I felt like they had heard it too many times and no longer believed me. Don’t get me wrong I understand it is attention seeking behavior. However, I think on top of that I was hoping someone would have the answer. I talked to friends and family and therapist. I thought someone would say something that my brain would catch on to and hold on to, then I would never want to die again. Reversely, I thought I can’t wait until I have the balls to do it and just get it over with so I never have that thought again. Either way in my brain, problem solved. So I really don’t care if I live or die as long as that feeling goes away. To describe the feeling; (it is hard) Imagine the place near your stomach maybe just above it, this is where it starts. Not the brain but the stomach area. First I feel the knot. Then my brain starts in with “why the knot?” So it tries to solve why and in the meantime, I’m starting feel bad. My brain goes through everything bad that has happened in my life, starting the depressing fuel for the death thought. So not only am I starting to feel nauseated because of the knot, I have horrible thoughts in my head as well. I try distraction. I find anything that will take my mind off of it and do it. I clean, I play a game, and I watch a movie, anything that distracts me. Some days, I have to do multiple thing to get distracted like; I turn on my Sims 2, I start laundry, I play music and do dishes while I dance. That’s a good distraction because now I’m thinking about the music and the chores. If that isn’t enough, I think about my Sims game playing in the other room. If none of that works, it turn into anxiety. My chest tightens, it’s hard to breathe, and I don’t want to get out of bed. I hit my inhaler and the chest thing gets better. If not I have to take pills. This helps most days but can take a while to work and my anxiety attacks come unprovoked sometimes. So this whole time my brain is still trying to figure out what is causing this. My thoughts race and with that my movement, I can’t sit still to save my life. No matter how hard I try. And then if I don’t distract myself and hit on the subject causing all of this, I will get a sharp pain in my chest which leads to my heart beating so fast and hard I think it may just explode and at my age that’s a scary feeling. I cry uncontrollably, trying to release the pain but it’s hard when other people are around because I have to wipe away tears while talking or smiling or acting normal and just you know, blame the seasonal allergies. If I’m alone it can be devastating, I will cry for long time on the floor unable to move. If I have taken a pill it will lessen the time but never stop it. So far I have been lucky enough to not melt down in front of strangers. If that ever happened I would just die. Ha, ha, just kidding. I normally go into a bathroom and let some of the pressure out by crying. Then I use eye drops so no one can tell. When the initial feeling has concluded or I have figured out what caused it in the first place, I start the next stage.
Now, I plan my death. I don’t want to feel like this again and having racked my brain for a reason, I normally find I’m miserable because I’m a loser. I can trace it all back to like grade school. When I decided to be different because normal is what got you married with kids. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, the joke was on me. Because I was abnormal I did abnormal things, which led to teen pregnancy. I have thought of a few times when I tried to get my life together and something would happen. And now here I am directionless, a loser. Then I start thinking about how and where and who would find the body. Would this cause someone great trauma? If so, do I want to cause great trauma to someone nearby? Then I start getting thoughts like what will happen to your kids? I think, who cares I will be gone. But I know that isn’t proper. They have family to care for them, a father, grandparents, older siblings. There would be no lack of love for them. They will be so sad though, fortunately kids get over things quickly, especially if they have lots of love, so they will be fine. I convince myself. I reassure myself as often as it takes to continue on planning this death. I sometimes imagine driving in my car until I see a sleepy diesel driver. Then I would just crash and it would be their fault and my family would be taken care of. Perhaps something more elaborate involving a big company with good insurance so that my family is taken care of. The point of these fantasies is that I’m gone and my family is taken care of. On the really bad days, thoughts of my family don’t happen, all I can think is how quickly I can get this over with. Don’t worry I will never own a gun. Mainly because, and I quote me “if you can’t kill someone creatively your obviously not pissed off enough to kill someone.” That’s just my rule you all can believe what you want. Once I have chosen or convinced myself of a method of death, I plan the outcome. Sometimes this involves me driving around aimlessly or parking at the lake, or a Walmart. You don’t get bothered there and sometimes if I have had couple of pills to calm down, they are a great place for a nap. By this time if I hadn’t taken any pills I would take some because I really don’t want to die it’s just that sometime I get that feeling, I don’t want attention, I go through this alone 90% of the time. Not because have loved one who wouldn’t understand, I know a lot of people just like me, but because this is my defect and no one should have to bear it but me. I am the one who caused it, it wasn’t something I was born with and I will deal with it.
So I don’t worry about the feeling when it happens. I just go through the cycle, hoping it won’t take long and take my pills to calm everything down. I have been doing this for many years. I wish there was a better way. I have tried so many thing like therapy (they cry waaaay to much) and different medication (I like one but it 200 a month and I can’t afford that. Besides it’s not perfect, it just helps much better than the others. It has side effects like making me hungry all the freaking time too.) So I guess I just don’t let myself give up not because of a reason really, it’s just what you do. its just what I have always done and maybe someday there will be a better way. Why am I telling you all this? You may have wondered. Knowledge is power. Perhaps you know someone who is going through this and perhaps you said “just get over it” or something similar I want you to know, yes I get over it, yes it’s hard but I get over it, just don’t say that while I’m going through it or it may change the plan. I hope you understand and I don’t care if you judge, that’s not my bag baby. Besides I’m harder on me than you can ever be.