Light is always brighter out of darkness
Light is always brighter out of darkness
By Tony DeLorger © 2011-08-22
Life is a journey of profound joy and pain, the learning of which defines who we are. However we accept or deny our path it ensues regardless, with or without our attention. Often the most insightful lessons come from the most devastating experiences. In such instances we are compelled to consider perspective and find a rationale for the event, one that finds a positive aspect to the pain or suffering that can overwhelm us.
I liken these types of realisations as standing in darkness and someone turning on the light. For the first time we see things how they are rather than how we want them to be. This human state of delusion is common for many reasons: not wanting to acknowledge the truth because it’s too difficult or believing you have exactly what you want to complete you view of life, are good examples. The fact is that for much of our lives we deliberately live in our chosen delusions.
Reality is often a harsh mistress and what she reveals is not always to our liking. But in the end, to be true to us, we must accept our capacity to understand and concede the reality of our lives and those around us. This is not judgement, just being aware of truth rather than creating a veil under which we feel safe in our make believe world.
One of the most profound experiences of my life was the death of my firstborn daughter at only four months old. She struggled so zealously to live and I got to know her so intimately over the four months of her short life, her death shook me to the core of my being. I have never suffered so much pain and anguish and probably never will again. But amid this extraordinary loss a light was switched on and my life changed forever.
I still do not know exactly how, but I found myself at terms with her death and accepting it as a necessary outcome. Sounds unbelievable, but that’s what happened. One night, some weeks after the funeral, I had a dream. Now, I do dream a lot, as do we all, but I often recall dreams in minute detail. This particular dream was unlike any other I have had. This dream was so real, I know in my heart I was with my Kim, my daughter passed.
I was in a hospital, an older looking hospital with wooden cubicles with frosted glass panels at the top of each wall. Patients were bedded in each cubical and I was above them, crawling along large wooden ceiling beams. I felt I shouldn’t be there and was afraid I would be caught. Looking down into the ward, I recognised Kim in one of the beds and my heart almost stopped. I silently made my way down to her bed and edged the door closed and sat down beside her bed.
She looked the same except her hair had grown back and there was no swelling around her face. She looked a bright, healthy little baby. The strange think was that when she saw me she gave me a beaming smile and sat up in her bed. Being four months old that shocked me, but I accepted it.
There began an odyssey. Kim talked to me as an adult; she disgusted her passing, her brief life and answered many questions I had about life-and-death and every imaginable question about existence I could ask. It seemed I was there in her company for many hours and I remember being shocked and exhilarated by her words. At the end of this discussion, I kissed her goodbye, as if I would see her tomorrow and left the way I came.
When I awoke the following morning my heart was so filled with love and peace, I was a different person. The strange and frustration thing was I couldn’t remember the meat of our conversation as hard as I tried. All I knew was that I was at peace, and somehow I accepted Kim’s death and could it as a necessary event.
I could never share this with my wife, as she wanted nothing more than see Kim again and she was emotionally torn; I just could not do that to her. But for me a very bright light came out of darkness and I will never forget it.
There is always pain in life, it makes us realise what exists inside us, the potential of so many experiences and emotions. We have the capacity to choose our beliefs and be open to further our knowledge, about ourselves and our world. Often it is the darkest most difficult experiences that impart our greatest gifts of understanding. All we can do is be open to the truth, and eventually, when we are ready, it will find us.