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MORE Ways To Get People To Like You [The Right Way]
If you didn't get a chance to check out "5 Ways To Get People To Like You [The Right Way]" yet and would like to read it first, feel free to click on the link. :)
Imagine this scenario...
Bernard is sitting at a table in the food court at the mall by himself staring at people as they go by. He does this often and memorizes people's faces. Bernard can't stand people who are obsessed with their looks and overly confident. On a daily basis, he tells himself things like, "Ha... why are girls always all over that guy? He's such a loser. A big-muscled, stinkin' moron."
A fellow co-worker, Jamie, comes up to Bernard and asks him how he is doing today and if he was excited to come to her birthday party tomorrow? ...
Bernard - "Just another crappy day... hey, did you hear that James totally embarrassed Holly yesterday in the break room? He called her a 'you-know-what,' and she stormed off crying. It was pretty funny though. I don't even know why those two are together... they are so wrong for each other... But James is right... she is a major 'you-know-what'!""
Jamie - "Sorry your day has not been so good, Bernard, and no... I didn't hear about that... Hopefully they will work out their issues. So, how about my party?"
Bernard - "What party?"
Jamie - "My birthday party tomorrow. I told you about it a week ago. You said you'd try to make it."
Bernard - "Wow... totally don't remember that conversation. Well, I gotta be home to watch the game, unless I can watch it on your HDTV in your basement... then I'm totally there."
Jamie - "Ummm, okay... sure."
Bernard - "Great! See ya tomorrow to watch the game!"
In the first article, I address being genuine, caring for others by realizing the world doesn't just revolve around you, realizing not everyone is going to like you, making sure your words match your actions (& vice versa), and destroying all bitterness by forgiving those in your past & present. All of those things are effective in helping you to grow as an individual, and in turn, in helping to get others to like you. It is extremely important that we do not try to get people to like us by superficial means and that we truly desire to become better people, otherwise, relationships with other people will not last. Many people know & teach "tricks" to get people to like you, but if those tricks are played by you but not actually a part of who you really are, then they only go so far. For example, a firm handshake & eye contact are truly great ways to show someone you have confidence, are assertive, live a healthy life, have a good self-esteem, etc... but if you do the action without truly having any of those characteristics, the handshake & eye contact will not do you much good in the long-run.
Here are some MORE ways to help people to like you [the right way] that dig a little deeper into your character and integrity as a person. I will compare each tip with the scenario above to help you to see the positives & negatives of your thoughts & actions. Like when I am playing the board game "Operation," I may ZAP a few of you by getting up too close & personal, so prepare yourself by realizing these tips are for all of us, including myself...
1. Put NO ONE On "The Hate List"
Put NO ONE on "The Hate List." This may seem pretty basic, but it is amazing how many good people have this group of people that they can't stand for whatever reason. Instead of doing what they can to just get over the feelings they have toward the other person(s), they choose to hold the person(s) on a subconscious list... a list in their mind that says, "I must avoid ____ at all costs", "I hate everything about ____", or "Why does ____ always have to be that way?" ... and the list of things to be said about these people can go on forever and ever.
But, what is the true cause of putting the person on what I would call "The Hate List?" Sometimes, it's jealousy... Sometimes, it's a past hurt from the said person(s)... Sometimes, it's simply a personality clash.... Sometimes, you can't even remember why they are there! In the story with Bernard, he holds this person he doesn't even know personally on his own "Hate List." He may be jealous of the guy's looks and confidence picking up so many girls. He may have insecurities about his own looks, like is demonstrated in the picture at the top of this article. He may just not like what he has seen of his personality... who knows... but is it worth holding this person at a lower level in his mind? Heck no! He doesn't even truly know the guy, other than what he has observed at the mall for goodness sake! My suggestion for Bernard and for everyone is to:
Put NO ONE on "The Hate List." We all do this at times, so seriously, let's make it easy on us. Let's make a physical list on a sheet of paper, labeled "The Hate List," and simply write in BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS:
And every time you have a temptation to put someone on the list, ask yourself, "Why?" first, and then look at the list & realize life is not worth categorizing people based on our own perceptions of them. Even when we disagree and have personality differences, we all are in this world together, so let's find some common ground to meet each other.
2. Leave Gossip Right Where You Last Heard It
In the story above, Bernard decides to share some information with Jamie about other co-workers, James & Holly. The question after hearing such information should be, "Does this information better my perception of James & Holly or give us opportunity to act in a way that may help James & Holly?" If the answer is no, it is gossip. Gossip is defined as "idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others" [dictionary.reference.com].
If the talk is not meant to help James & Holly, it shouldn't be entertained. So what is the best thing to do if you hear others gossiping? I think Jamie gave us a good example. She simply cut it off by saying that she didn't hear about James & Holly and that she hopes they will work out their issues. Leave gossip right where you last heard it! And if possible without being too rude in a given situation, walk away, so you do not hear it at all. It doesn't do anyone any good to hear it, so leave it where it is. Don't pass it on like a contagious disease... and that's exactly what gossip is in my opinion... a contagious disease. But thankfully, there is a cure. Stop it. Don't pass it on. Jamie could have said, "I know! Holly is too good for that jerk, James!" or any other choice words to join in the gossip, but she chose to cut it off. Good for her! Let's take her example and leave gossip right where we last heard it.
3. "You Can Pick Your Friends, And You Can Pick Your Nose... But You Can't Pick Your Friend's Nose"
"You Can Pick Your Friends, And You Can Pick Your Nose... But You Can't Pick Your Friend's Nose"
My dad used to always say that when I was younger, and I always thought it was so funny every time he said it. It never got old to me for some reason. And today, I see a real connection with this quote that helps me to understand an important concept about friendships/relationships with others. I have a lot of freedom when it comes to picking and choosing who I want be my friends, and I am entitled to my own beliefs & opinions, but many times we have strong beliefs about our own life and want to force it on someone else. Don't get me wrong, some people (including myself) have lots to learn and can learn from others to grow, but the way you go about sharing things with others has a dramatic effect on whether or not they will receive it well or reject it. Even if my friend is acting in a way that is wrong based on my beliefs and experiences in life, I can't go up to that friend and 'pick their nose for them', so to speak. (That's gross, I know.) Metaphorically speaking, it is not my job to get the boogies out of their nose for them. I can help teach them to blow their nose properly, but just like a baby that doesn't understand why their nose hurts when they have a cold and their parent is just rubbin' away at their nose, if you start just sticking yourself into someone else's life acting like you know what needs to happen, you have crossed a boundary and may have put up a wall in front of that person, so they cannot receive much of anything from you. And I understand that your concern for other people in your life may be completely out of compassion in your heart & mind, but the way you go about addressing your concern means everything. If you start digging in areas you don't belong, that person may push you so far away you can't help them one bit. But if you lovingly stick with them, encourage them, and teach them when they have "teachable moments" (something I learned to take advantage of in my training to become a music teacher), that person will realize you care enough to give them the freedom they deserve to choose what is right, not just be forced into it.
... A silly analogy, but an extremely important concept to address if you want to get people to like you [the right way]. The way Bernard talked about James & Holly, it seemed like if he was able to approach them about their relationship, he may start 'picking some noses,' digging into areas he should not dig. It is one thing to be concerned about someone, it is another to gossip about them or to claim you know the perfect answer for them.
4. Thoughtfulness Should Be Your Friend
In the story with Bernard, He didn't even have enough thought to remember his co-worker Jamie's birthday party, let alone to think of what he may do to make her day special for her. And from their conversation, it seems like Jamie really is making an effort to be a good friend in Bernard's life, even though he doesn't respond to her in a way that would give back that same kind of friendship. And yes, I understand it is not possible for us to make every person we know feel special by doing something out of the ordinary, because we don't have time or possibly money to be able to do those things for everyone, but it is important that we are thoughtful :) If Bernard was thoughtful, he would realize that a great friend, like Jamie, deserves some special thought from someone.
We have all heard the quote, "It's the thought that counts!" It really is! And for those who are not happy unless they get diamonds, gold, or money, maybe they can use a nice gift box with nothing inside but a note that shares your deepest feelings for why you care about them, to open their eyes to the true gift of thoughtfulness. But please don't do this unless you want to take a chance of a smack in the face, because it may not help that person... maybe that person is not ready to make that change quickly, because they have been trained to only see value in expensive gifts. But again, in my opinion, a true gift is thoughtfulness. So give someone your thoughts by really considering the person and what may help them to see how special they are to you. And if you can't share this thoughtfulness with everyone you care about all at once, take it step by step when you feel it on your heart to do so, one individual at a time. You will know that your thoughtfulness is taken well when you see the smiles on the faces of those you care about and feel the thoughtfulness and love coming back your way. But don't be thoughtful just to get something back in return. Do it as if they owe you absolutely nothing in return. It is absolutely one of the best feelings in the world to to be thoughtful of someone.
5. Be A Great Listener
Back to that story with Bernard & Jamie, Bernard was not the greatest listener. In fact, he pretty much stunk. Not only did he not truly listen when Jamie asked him about the party before and just said some idle words at the time that he would try to be there, but he didn't even hear Jamie asking him again about the party. He was so consumed by his own "Hate List" that he didn't realize that a person of true worth as a friend was right there near him trying to engage in genuine interaction. If you want people to like you, forgetting everything they say to you is not a good start... I understand it can more difficult for some people to listen. I gotta face it; my own attention span is ... "Oh look! A shiny, pointy object!" ... What was I saying???
Oh yeah... for some it is more difficult to be great listeners, but if you really make an effort to listen, even those who struggle will make serious improvement by purposefully caring to listen rather than just going into an auto-pilot 'la la land'. And notice I said GREAT listeners and not just GOOD listeners. Many stress being good listeners, but to me a good listener can still forget things... but a GREAT listener will see the value in remembering things about a person more long-term. Let me give you an example of this in my own life:
I'm going to brag a lil' on a new, great friend of mine that I met in my new state of residence. Her name is Kayla. I never told her this, but I was absolutely amazed at the details she remembered from some of our first interactions. Things that I wouldn't expect most of my friends to remember, she recalled them, and it made me feel very welcome where I live now.
It is incredible the effect that being a great listener can have on others. You feel special. You feel wanted. You feel just plain out GOOD. And how do we feel when other people, especially our friends & family, forget things that we see as important to us? You can feel unwanted. You can feel invisible. You can even allow it to push you into a depressed state where you feel worthless, if you are not careful. Does this mean you are worthless? No way. The way others interact with you does not reflect your worth. Only YOU can decide your own true worth. Please refer to my hub, "How Much Are You Worth?" for more info concerning your true worth/value.
In addition to the tips we learned in "5 Ways To Get People To Like You [The Right Way]," we understand there are some other important concepts to grasp if we truly want to become the type of people with great character & integrity to get other people to like us for the right reasons. We must change constantly into better people, not just finding out the little tricks to put on a good show to get people to like us. We can do this [the right way] by:
- Putting NO ONE on "The Hate List"
- Leaving Gossip Where You Last Heard It
- Picking your friends wisely, but not picking their noses for them... you may carefully guide them in the right direction, but don't put yourself high on a stand talking down and trying to force them into what you see as the right decision
- Being A Thoughtful Friend
- Being A Great Listener, Not Just A Good One
I hope these tips prove to be useful to you in becoming a more likable/lovable individual. Remember, it is not the superficial means to get people to like you that really count, it's the real character changes that help you become a better person in general that help others to like you for the right reasons.