My Introspection of Self
I was walking in the morning pondering on who I had become after around 11 years old I had become obsessed with winning, being the best, and being validated by others to feel like I was a “good” person.
At school it was great. Teachers want you to do well because it makes the teacher look good which ensures their job position and pay. Teachers are not competing against you. But in the real world, everyone is competing against everyone. There is no one out there rewarding you with “Star student of the week” for being the only quiet person who listened to the teacher. There are no awards for effort or participation. In the job place we are always too “slow”, there is always room to “grow”, and employers prefer to keep wages low to enhance their own profit. It can be hard for honor students at school to step into the real world of humans that are never satisfied. That always want more.
I remember when I was a child. I was lucky to grow up in a healthy environment with caring and protective parents. I remember looking at everyone with candor and how willing I was to trust anyone and everyone. I remember how I was so optimistic about life before I knew about sex and relationships. Before I knew money was needed for everything and was behind those who gave us of their time. Then we grow up. We get introduced to sex. And then we feel as if every man in our life could possibly want to use us for sex and not genuinely care about us. We get introduced to “fame” and Hollywood, and we dream of being celebrated and seemingly loved as they are. Then we become self-conscious and insecure about everything, wanting to be social, accepted, found sexually appealing for a relationship, and not be bullied. Why? In order to feel worthy, to have a more pleasurable experience on Earth.
Think back before you knew of death, old age, danger, or negative consequences. Think back to when eating your favorite food or drink and watching your favorite show on Cartoon Network made your LIFE! Weren’t we so happy? Isn’t THAT the happiness we seek today, happiness that we do all sorts of things to ourselves in pleasing others trying to obtain?
Why are there rich and famous people that are still not happy?
Because no matter what, we can never control another person or their desires and if there is even one person we desire who is not so crazy about us, it turns our world upside down. Because no matter what, as long as we have human beings around us they will always tell us what to do and how we can be “better” according to the ideal image of us they have in their minds. Desire versus desire. No matter what at not asking to exist, since something has to exist first before it can ask for anything, nothing is in our control. Why? We didn’t choose anything in the first place; not our body, mind, instincts, the world or what it contains. Nod your head and do what others want and you are “loved”, refuse to be molded and you are hated. Sure with money many things and instances can be manipulated, but as humans we are naturally never satisfied, never. Money can’t manipulate the ultimate things we want to change but can’t. So this dilemma is Universal, the attempt to adapt to a world, body, and mind where nothing was chosen by us in the first place, where the attempt to manipulate the external in search of satisfaction never ends.
In a world where we have no other choice but to eat plants or animals and chase after money. If you want to survive. Have you ever thought about the fact we are literally floating in space? This Earth is a planet floating inside the Milky Way Galaxy. And yet inside of our heads it feels like it is all about us, me, me, me. “If only I had this, if only they were with me, I don’t want this pain, this disability, this dependency, I don’t want to die”, etc. The mystery of life is too broad to grasp, yet our tendencies evident to anyone who takes the time to analyze them.
© 2018 Andrea Estefania