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Running Behind

Updated on March 9, 2012

The Birth of Fecal Dynamics

Charles Darwin was in reality a world renowned Scatologist that had published many papers on the subject of Scatology. However in the 19th century, his area of expertise was not yet a prominent field among his fellow scientists. His first published work of any magnitude was “The Origin of the Feces” and it was based loosely on the fecal production mechanisms of his dog, Lucy. He was amazed at how much Lucy could produce and dedicated his life to find out why.

Once the royal family of England (King William IV) had read his manuscript, his dog was ordered to be killed and Darwin was sentenced to 5 years upon the high seas, not to set foot upon the English homeland until his sentence was up. He was put on a ship named after his dog, the HMS Beagle, and was set to sail by the King. He traveled the world and he was one of the first to sail around the turbulent Cape Horn (the Panama Canal was closed for repairs). He visited many primitive and unexplored lands (including the Galapagos Islands) and took many notes on what he saw. Upon his return, he published a new book called “The Origin of the Species”.
But getting back to his original manuscript, Darwin earned lesser appreciation for his studies in Fecal Dynamics. Fecal Dynamics is closely related to Newtonian Physics in many ways. Newton's laws of motion are three physical laws that form the basis for classical mechanics. They are:

1. A body at rest remains at rest and a body in linear motion remains in motion with constant velocity until and unless an external force is applied on it.

2. Force applied on a body is directly proportional to the rate of change of momentum of the body or mass times acceleration (when proper units are chosen, F = MA).

3. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That is whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body exerts a force −F on the first body. F and −F are equal in size and opposite in direction.

In Fecal Dynamics, the laws pretty much remain the same, but extra emphasis is placed on rule number 3. With the third rule, the body (or in this case fecal mass) is created by any energy consuming action. If the action is of positive nature, then the body appears to be at rest and thus stays at rest. If the body in motion creates an action of a negative nature, then the body stays in motion as if rolling down a hill. Its speed increases exponentially with virtually no resistance until it reaches it’s final destination at the bottom of the hill. Once it has achieved its termination point, the body, or fecal mass, splatters as if it has hit a rotating fan. If the course of trajectory of the mass is plotted as it rolls downward, you will find that the consecutive target points decrease in importance or numerical stature until there is nothing left but a target of zero or lesser value (-F). Once the target is acquired and saturated, the value does not change from its new state and there is little hope for change in the future. This entire theorem illustrates the fact that shit really does roll downhill.

Although this theory is not widely published among scholars or laymen, it becomes a widely self taught lesson when one is working under conditions of questionable teamwork and/or supervision.


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