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Sap Cap: Silliest Weaponized Headwear in the History of Mall Ninjas

Updated on June 16, 2011

Check out this Master of Mall Ninjas.

Weaponized Baseball Caps! Weaponized Ridiculousness!

In the history of the legend of the infamous MallNinja, few things seem as ridiculous as picturing a MallNinja, with all their gear, strolling down the street as if a zombiepocalypse is about to unleash the fury of Hell upon Toad Suck, AR, or some other nowhere little berg in the Americas. We laugh at MallNinjas, for they are more likely to injure themselves than anyone around them. But, we also laugh at their ridiculous gear. A Recon Marine does not walk around with weaponized baseball caps. A UKSF veteran would not need to weaponize his baseball cap to kill you with it in a pub. No real trouble-stopping hooligan-breakers have need of ridiculous gear like this. They have fists of fury, and the icy calm demeanor that cracks skulls with a glance. What use is a weaponized baseball cap in the face of Seal Team Six?

Yes, I said weaponized baseball cap. Thanks to the magic of Twitter, I recently learned that this hideous thing exists. Someone on Twitter pointed this monstrous thing out to me. There is a cap. It has a lead weight in the back of it, sewn into the cap. It is a black cap (naturally) perfect for anyone interested in that vaguely-government, vaguely-spec-ops, vaguely-weapon-obsessed-moron look that can only be found with a plain, unadorned black baseball cap.

It works like a blackjack, basically. You hold the hat by it's reinforced brim with one or two hands, and you strike your opponent with it. The weight in the back of the cap, sewn into it pretty incompetently if some of the reviews are any indication, in theory adds power to the blow, where the wider momentum of the baseball cap cloth adds force to the blow.

Can you imagine being the redneck genius who thinks this stuff up? I mean, who says to themselves, I need a weapon that I can get past airport security, because how else can I feel secure without a weapon!

Anyone who needs this security blanket on their head deserves the beating they'll receive when they try to use it against someone who actually knows what they're doing.

What kind of ridiculous, stoned Redneck genius is thinking up these things? What's next? Weaponized cufflinks? Weaponized sunglasses? Weaponized underpants? Where does it end?

Let me share a little fact with you, mates. The chaps who know what they're doing would never weaponize their baseball caps. They don't need to weaponize their baseball caps, because they have real weapons, and the skill required to rarely need to use them.

The Sap Cap is so hilariously absurd, you couldn't make it up in a story. No one would believe you.

Except MallNinjas. Mall Ninjas think this ridiculous cap is a fantastic idea.


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