Secrets Of The Universe Revealed
I'm Only Trying To Help YOU
Millions, no, make that billions of dollars are spent each year via check, VISA, MasterCard and other sources of monetary bases to learn how to deal with the invisible powers-that-be; the powers who govern the very universe above and around us.
Therapists, psychiatrists, motivational speakers, and (some) televangelists make about a billion dollars a year telling people the so-called "secrets" of the universe. To that, I give a big, "Hog wash!" Save your money, Joe and Jill of Topeka, Kansas. You have already got a lock on how to deal with the universe just by reading THIS story. It's a true account of my own personal study and observation that has taken me most of 25 years to develop, but now I feel that it is time for everyone, high and low planes of people, common and uncommon, the famous and obscure, to learn the TRUE secrets of the massive universe we call home. You might get a pen and paper if you don't have a HP printer hooked up to your PC, to save this copy for future use--and you WILL have to use this story in your days ahead, because none of us humans are perfect. We have short memory spans and we sometimes are cursed with the "Me Syndrome," a deadly virus of the mind and spirit that actually makes us believe that "we" mortals can solve any problem and climb any mountain. I say write this down, just the highlights, or print this story and file it away for future reference.
To ALL TRAVELING SALESPEOPLE: I don't envy your vocation. I've been in some type of sales in 1975 and another field of sales in 2000. Both were dead-end jobs. Only the companies that I worked for made the money while I struggled to hang onto the ladder of survival (not success) every waking hour. I would make personal, in-person sales calls--some via appointment, and some I just came into the store and introduced myself. Only a few times of those efforts did I succeed. No counting how many business cards I left with store managers who promised to 'call me back' and gave me that white-lie businessman wink as I walked out of the store. And sometimes, I would swear that I heard the sound of my businesscard going into this man's trash can. Honest to God. The way I found to get LOTS OF CALL BACKS is just stay around home on the day you have told "Mr. Businessman" to call you back and then simply go to your bathroom. That's all. Take a shower, use the toilet, and I promise you that in mid-shower or mid-relieving of yourself, THE PHONE WILL RING OFF THE HOOK. Ive experienced this over and over. And the person calling would ultimately ask, 'what you doing?' and I would of course, say a polite comeback and then proceed to talk business. Try this formula sometime. What have you got lose, but ask yourself what will you gain if this DOES work?
TO ALL PRE-TEENS AND FULLY-GROWN TEENAGERS - do NOT argue with mom or dad. EVER! about ANYTHING! I know that this goes against every known and unknown code of teendom, but listen to an experienced man. Arguing with parents only labels you a troublemaker and nonconformist. Play the game if you want more priviledges. No matter how meager the chore, DO IT. Clean your room without being threatened, walk the dog, empty the trash on a weekly basis, be nice to those relatives that you despise and soon, very soon, your parents will talk among themselves and say, "Our little Tommy is growing into such a responsible, mature young man," and when they start talking like this, guess who benefits? You, Mr. and Miss Teenager. And yes, the later the cufew, the more you can drive the family car (if you don't have one already), the more parties you can attend, but be advised, DON'T COME HOME AFTER YOUR CURFEW AND ABOVE ALL, IF YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS...DON'T TOUCH DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. Parents have a built-in seventh sense about such things and can easily detect any experimentation of such substances. An easy tip for you about going out, is to come back WAY EARLY. This will amaze your parents and they, out of curosity, will ask, "Tommy, why are you back so soon?" You humbly reply, "I had some studying to do," and go to your room, but not before you ask, "Mom. Dad. May I get you a snack or something before I go study some Advanced Physics?" Talk about teenage success. Follow these guidelines and soon you will be the envy of your friends.
TO ALL MARRIED MEN - the key word for you is: DON'T. That's it. Don't. Now you are confused. Right? How many fights or arguements have you had with your wife simply because you DID something? And it was, to her, wrong? Many, I can guess. I give you credit because all young married's fuss and argue at some point, but men listen to me. Who needs all that confusion in your home. When you get home from working like a dog at your low-wage or salaried job, the last thing you want to have is a arguement. Right? Right. So DON'T come into your house and instantly say something negative to the wife like, "Is that potroast, or an old boot cooking in the oven?" If you are ignorant enough to say something similar to this, YOU DO NEED MY HELP. When you get home, first, kiss and hug your wife--even if you have been married 25-45 years. DO IT. She will wonder if you are drinking or seeing another lady. Of course you're not, but the new you will amaze your wife. Then suddenly ask her this, "Why not cut the oven off, and let ME take YOU out to eat?" She is stunned now. And follow up by saying, "You've been working at your job all day too, so I feel that YOU need a break, dear." Instant success. Oh yes, do the unconventional things...help her on with her coat, open the door for her and the car door. By now, her head is spinning with questions, but she is fearful to ask even one due to the idea of losing her New Husband. And at dinner. DON'T talk about YOUR day. At all. Even if she asks, humbly deflect her question, and swiftly go back to HER day. Talk about a great ahead, Bob! This works. And I have to be honest with you, Married Men, I know that you work hard and you don't want to do this all the time, and that's cool. YOU don't have to do this all the time. Say about twice a month. Too much being nice will lead to harsh questions and phone calls to friends about how YOU have changed and your wife now thinks there's trouble at your job or worse, you have a mental disorder and you're not telling her about it. Just be cool and do this, and discipline yourself, the universe wasn't built by selfish gods, or a selfish GOD. But a GOD who knows how to run things smoothly. Take it from me. I've tried this. I have a happy wife.
TO ALL MARRIED WOMEN WITH AVERAGE HUSBANDS - okay, ladies. I've saved the hardest job for you. And I apologize ahead of time. Okay. 22 years ago, it started with a date with Mr. Right. He was Mr. Right back then. You, at that time, fell in love, or something near it. And then agreed after many gifts, dinners, shows, roses, and cards, to be his wife. What a day that was. Even your mom and three sisters liked him. Heaven on earth for the first year..and that's a stretch. Then one day a strange man walks into your house after work--his shirttail is out; face not shaven; pants wrinkled; food stains on his shirt and all he wants to do is sit down after a 12-hour shift at the lumber mill. This WAS the man 22 years ago who had big dreams of making it big in business. What business was he talking about? Certainly not show business with that bulge around his waist. And this strange man who is now glued to ESPN and not you, is after all, and it's sad to you, ladies, since you are a tender-hearted woman, "an average man." Don't come apart. It's nothing new. Average men can live full and happy lives, but not left to themselves. They need YOUR help. I hate to burden you with this, but if you want 'that' sexy, suave, witty, charming man back that you married you have to take control of his universe and make a stand. Otherwise, it might be worse. He might quit noticing you at all. And you count the cost in economics...if a divorce was to take place, you wouldn't get a dime much less property--rented homes are not community property. Neither are leased cars. First, when he lumbers off to work in the morning, take out a loan if necessary and tune-up your appearance..not much, just enough to ignite 'that' spark in his average heart. Call him at work and talk briefly about what a great job he has and how you are proud of him for working so hard. Sure this is a rough road, ladies, but it works. He will, if he thinks at all, begin to look at himself differently. He's no longer a slob to himself. He's actually believing that he is not average. Yes, you know differently, but just keep that to yourself. When he comes home, meet him with his favorite beverage, and offer to give him the paper. He will think he's in a strange house. Then walk slowly in front of him--allowing him to see the new dress you bought and if he asks, just giggle and reply, "This is for you!" His chest will swell with pride. I wouldn't be surprised if he, at this moment, didn't take you up in his arms and headed to the bedroom for some "honeymoon, again, action". Don't underestimate the power of going against the grain in the universe. YOU, not him, have the power now. And when he talks of his job, always say how great the job is and that nobody can do it like he can. Hey, he will be eating out of your hand everyday. I know that independent working women have jobs too that are hard and challenging, and soon, he will get around to asking you about your day. But until that time, keep building with the tools I am giving you ladies. If you really, sincerely want a peaceful marriage and an exciting marriage, just try what I'm giving you. Like I said, I have a happy wife.
Let's see. I've spoken to Salespeople, Married Men and Married Women, that's enough Secrets of The Universe for now. I will let you digest these and feel free to comment on this story all you want--I'd like progress reports on how you did with your experiments in sales and marriage.
Good luck, friends. Peace.