Self-indulgence or Insanity
Mental Self-indulgence or Insanity
By Tony DeLorger © 2012
In ways that have been misunderstood, I fluctuate between accepted reality and my perspective on what should be expected and what is in fact experienced. What I see cannot be assumed to be within an arms length of real, nor does it qualify as insanity in any harmful way. What I feel is so often not understood, I have become adept at keeping that to myself, letting it lurk beneath my skin, my truth so often unexpressed for fear of rejection and misunderstanding.
Beyond outward appearances, the turmoil within me is often overwhelming and leads me to wishes and hopes that defy rational thinking. I have experienced praying to be in a serious car accident, in order to have some rest from the constant and irrepressible pressures of day to day responsibilities and living. I have actually thought that, and in retrospect it shocks me to realise how overwhelmed and on the edge I have become in the past.
There is no equity between intellect and insanity, and the relationship I have with myself is non-delusional, and honest to the tee. I have no qualms about realising and accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and I in no way despise myself or suffer pangs of self-loathing. On the contrary I am well spoken, social and can stand up and speak, socially and professionally without falter. But often the pressures of day to day life gnaw at me with persistent and damaging ferocity, disarming me to the point of panicked escape. At those times I have to sleep, to leave the real world and withdrawer into the gentle arms of oblivion. This I know helps me and is in the end necessary in order to maintain the outward appearance of normality.
So why do I question normality, you ask? What makes me think I'm any different to anyone else? Firstly, this feeling was understood and accepted at the age of around six. I have never felt normal, nor thought as others or expressed what I felt beyond the bounds of acceptance. I have always differentiated between what the world views as normal and how I feel and want to express myself. In this way I have always used creativity in order to channel my need for expression. I have been a psychic, a lecturer, a numerologist, a hypnotherapist, an artist, graphic designer, songwriter, performer, musical director, copywriter, novelist, playwright and poet. I still have a yearning for sculpture, modern art and music, all of which I will somehow fit in my life at one time or another.
Without these outlets I would surely shrivel up into non-existence, I'm sure of it. My experiences includes feelings of excruciation, disorientation, helplessness, lethargy, panic, weakness, impotency, vagueness, lack of memory, depression and over-emotionality. Medication helps to some extent, but brain chemistry is complex and imbalances can be cyclic; what works now may not work tomorrow.
The question is, if you can question your own sanity with intellect, can you be insane? Or does the game simply render you sane for having raised the question in the first place? Do I exist because I think I do, or am I a rendering of my illusion? All these questions are part of my inner dialogue, a constant companion in life, always questioning each action, the thought behind it and what I really want as the contrast. You see what you see may not be what you get, because what you get runs deeper than the San Andreas Fault.
What then is shared in the light of normality, may only be out of courtesy and for the purpose of maintaining a human life with some dignity and acceptance. What then flows through my mind, you may never see, hear or understand. So self-indulgence or sanity? You choose.