Shaken, but not Stirred
Shaken, but not Stirred
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
It is with deep regret that I hereby tender my resignation, my acknowledgement that life has brought me to my knees and to admit I am not the pillar of strength I imagined. How intensely engrained is the belief that I am unbreakable, unstoppable and impervious to the harsh realities of my existence. How ignorant I am to have thought that my body in youth could somehow protect my mind from the doubts and fears the course of life can nourish.
It is with much regret that I didn’t see it coming, that maelstrom that ploughed through my life like a freight train, tearing flesh and mind alike. Strewn over a vast area, the fragments of life, the irretrievable pieces of past obliterated as if they never existed. Their memory now blurred, I have doubts about authenticity, my mind’s recollections lost to pain and broken dreams. It is as if I have just been born, everything before like a shallow hallucination without substance.
Alone, without connection to a past, I wander the streets of souls, all of them like dark shadows in an icy mist, faceless and silent. Occasionally, when a face does appear, it is without expression, eyes glazed and empty. I go to speak and it is gone, lost within the aimless wanderings.
I stand in awareness, battered but connected to the truth, however unwanted. It haunts my waking moments and I often wish for the blindness of ignorance. But that is not my fate, not my life to wander with the shadows, vacant and without purpose. I just wished I’d not fallen for my own misguided beliefs, my stoic pretence. Perhaps if I’d not been unbreakable the pain of breaking would have been easier.
Now I stand alone in pieces, collecting myself and trying to stick it all back together, to at least be whole enough to grow. Future is all that can be for me, the past is dead and gone, a path trodden by another person. All I can do is steady and look forward to possibility, without reflecting experience, everything anew.
Life’s path can be harrowing and often destructive, but being torn down can mean a life renewed, another chance. In the end it is our acceptance of change that ensures a future worth having. Without the process of renewal we can so easily suffer the repetition of error and the subsequent ramifications. I now must make peace with the lost and aspire to the possible.
It is a cultural anomaly that men have been taught in the past to be stoic, strong and unbreakable. It is what my father was and his father before him. Emotions were always contained and controlled, the belief of place and purpose so entrenched that when the shell cracked it was too late to fix it. So many have fallen to this misnomer, and paid the price.
I too have been the victim of misinformation, not understanding my limits and potentials. It is not until we are faced with adversity that we discover who we are. And as a consequence, there is much to be done to address the ideals of our beliefs. For getting up is the result of falling down and that appreciation is the beginning of change. I shall prevail; I am shaken, but nor stirred.