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Signs Of Psychological Abuse In A Relationship

Updated on October 5, 2015
Madonna Bugayong profile image

Madonna lives in Gardena, Ca with her 2 kids. She attends LATTC for Business and Psychology, and she's a survivor and human rights activist.

The Honeymoon Stage

I always knew from the start, that my relationship with James was going to be an extreme ride from a roller coaster of emotions. Our turbulent relationship was a thin line of love and hate which definitely had less highs than lows, too many loops with dips, ups and downs that made a person like me feel sick in the end of the ride and regretful. It was easy to fall for him because he had qualities that I wanted in a man. I was attracted to his sexual appeal, extreme self confidence, intellectual thinking and charming ways. His bad behaviors and personality disorders were hidden in our honeymoon stage and surfaced much later. Our relationship wasn’t a complete disaster to me but it sure wasn’t a walk in the park either.


My Search For Answers To The Problems

I needed answers for my pain and hearthache that was hurting me emotionally and I wanted to fix our issues in hopes of a future with him. I loved him so much that I believed at the peak of my happiness brought by him, that he was my soul-mate. In good times we had so much fun together, we uplifted each other's spirits, motivated each other's goals and were inseparable. I have no doubt in my mind that James can still be a better man. He showed me strength that he was capable of doing so and I always wished he knew this about his self. The kind hearted person somewhere buried deep within was trapped and waiting for his self to realize the capabilities and powers of his true inner strength. When those good characteristics slowly began to fade away and more bad ones surfaced I was very confused and blamed myself for being at fault. I wore myself out searching for an answer to the reasons why our relationship was falling apart. I loss sleep until one night the answer appeared on my computer screen and I stumbled across the same links and same titles in Google search. I typed in our relationship symptoms looking for a diagnosis with a cure. What I suffered from, indicated that I was in a mentally abusive relationship with someone passive aggressive and with narcissist personality behavior. There was only one cure, I had to end the toxic relationship and move on with my life without him.

What Causes Their Personality Disorders?

At first it was difficult for me to acknowledge because when I think of someone showing signs of either traits I relate it those from a sociopath. After reading about the two, I found some similarities but major differences that ruled out calling him one. A passive aggressive personality is caused by a tragic experience in their childhood or from a hard upbringing and a narcissist from psychobiology- the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking. The research had me in denial but I couldn’t doubt the signs that were clear to me. I wanted to help my boyfriend and fight for our relationship because I thought it would be worth it for us in the long run. In reality I was fighting for my dignity and defending myself from mental abuse.

Signs of a Passive Aggressive Man in a Relationship

A passive aggressive person can easily manipulate their partner into believing in anything they say. They are controlling and very persuasive to get all they want and can from a person. In their mind, they believe that they are greater and above everyone. Whatever the case may be, it's their way or nothing at all and please believe they were always right. Hypocritical, conniving, demanding, charming and smart are the best words to describe a passive aggressive person’s personality.

Withholds to punish

This was always the case in my situation and he always professed one thing and did another. I dreaded long drives with him because this is where I felt mentally attacked the most. His day would already be going bad and I was warned to be on my best behavior in his car or I was going to regret it. He would make his "car rules" clear to me on the phone before he picked me up. I had to be ready the minute he arrived, I had to have a positive attitude, not talk about anything negative or mention anything about my day and listen to him. The drive would turn out pleasant if I did what I was told and his way of rewarding me was stating that I earned a good cum from him as soon as we got home and after I showered with him of course. But as soon as we got home that meant a whole new set of rules and issues brought up. His mood and attitude changed negatively and I was the reason for all of the problems. He blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life and I had no control of. I was constantly crying and apologizing and thinking it was my fault and convinced me to think I deserved his bad treatment. I was punished in many ways like having to clean up his house, cook his meals, rub his back, clean off his body for him and fulfill every sexual need whenever he needed me to or else he threatened it was over and he would find someone better to replace me.

Plays the victim

This sign is explanatory and it was really hard for me to cope with mentally. I had a hard time understanding why I always had to feel sorry for him while in reality I was the person suffering. He was so good at twisting up his words and convincing me into thinking that his issues mattered more and his problems were greater than mine so therefore forget my problems and let’s both fix his. It caused me to have poor self-esteem, I lost control which led me to a spiritually dark place with real mental issues to face. If something was bothering me I could never show any signs of emotions or speak about it. We both were struggling financially in different ways but it was a struggle nonetheless. That was the number one problem he claimed he had in his life. Money was the root of his evil petty spirit and money brought us the highs of his happiest days. "Money makes me happy and makes my dick hard" were his exact words. All of his problems were important and his life was our priority vs. my pathetic life. I had to help him find a solution and think of ways I could make his life better. If I wasn't doing anything beneficial for him as well or had an equal amount for him to profit from then I was called a stupid ass bitch .He would verbally abuse me so much that it killed the life out of me. He mastered his ways to reassure me it was all for a reason and our great future together.

Fears Conflict

When in a relationship with a passive aggressive person there will always be a never ending cycle of disagreements.The constant battle ended up building my strength to stand up for myself with courage followed by the rage to fight back. My boyfriend threatened me all the time and he scared the hell out of me. His fears were totally different than mine, he feared from being forced to commit to me, resolve and own up to his mistakes and he feared an intimate connection with me for fear of getting too close. A healthy couples habit would be to fix their issues in a relationship by working on them together to strengthen their communication, respect and love so that buying a house and marriage were an option. In our case I beat myself up trying to get him just to commit and be loyal to me.There was never a problem for us to get busy in bed, in fact our sex was amazing and passionate. But once his needs were fulfilled he completely shut me out and I was never allowed to get physically attached because we weren't at that “intimate level.” He punished me by making me sleep on another bed in the guest room alone. I never fell asleep in his arms even though I wanted to and I couldn’t feel the warmth of his body because I had to keep my distance and respect his “bed manners.” If I disobeyed his rules he made me feel stupid and I was forced to sleep by myself almost every night.

Signs of Narcissist Personality Behavior in Relationships

A narcissist mind thinks fantasy rather than actual reality. A narcissist personality is a pattern of inner experience and behavior that is matured in a person’s adulthood. Causes have not been confirmed but some professionals believe they’re linked biologically and genetically and social factors shaped by early stages of development in personality and environment.

Rule Breakers

Plain and simple, they set and break their own rules. Don’t even think about pointing it at out because they believe they are always right. I tried and failed to get him to see how he was wrong when he was and he was a hypocrite. He always talked about how it was wrong to talk about something you’re going to do and not do it but he was the prime person at doing this. All he did was talk about being a better person but never took steps to actually better his self and if he did he gave up very quickly.

Conversation Hoarders/ Interrupters/Charmers

He was an excellent conversationalist and charmer. He was someone that would have to be the center of any discussion and if you interrupted him then he would quickly interrupt you back to the point where he talked over you and didn’t give any other chances for further interruptions. He was a charmer and that’s a good character he had that I loved about him. He opened the car door for me, called to check on how my day was going, took me on dates and was pleased my desires in bed. He did that to reel me in and bait me. I understand his motives now and maybe he did care about me and love me but was scared to admit to himself. Our relationship lasted alot longer than any other one he was in besides the one with his kid’s mother. He did those kind things to me only so I wouldn’t leave him and as a front for all of the terrible actions he put me through.

Boundary Violators

A narcissist has no regard for other people’s feelings, emotions or thought’s. They overstep boundaries and have no consideration. Broken promises, obligations and lack of remorse are major issues they create in relationships.They give but then take back items in a fight. All of these terrible traits and behaviors were on full display in our relationship. I had to deal with the raft of his anger and petty way of thinking that almost disturbed my own minds way of thinking. I was so hurt by his promises that he made to be a better man and his promise to one day commit when the timing was right. I gave him gifts some expensive and some thoughful from my heart which he never appreciated because there was no currency value. He never gave me a gift, I asked to borrow something of his once because I needed it at the time while my item was being repaired and I was surprised when he said I could keep it without me asking. It touched my heart because I know he valued the item and it took careful thought for the kind gesture. But he ended up taking it back the first chance he had and I never seen it again. My feelings and thoughts were never important to him and it got to the point where I didn't give any care in the world anymore.

Fighting Back and Moving On With Your Life

By the time I had enough of him, I was happy to sleep in the other room peacefully. It regained some confidence back in me. I stopped talking to him completely and stopped responding to his questions and threats. I just agreed to everything and eventually wore himself out. I loved when he got tired of his own voice because he talked so much. I had nothing to lose and I stopped caring about how he felt about me. I kept my problems and emotions inside when I was around him until my bomb exploded from it. I was in total self destructive mode. He was so verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive that I suffered as a person terribly. I felt tormented instead of uplifted by him. He degraded my character, destroyed my spirits and made me feel less of a woman. I had no confidence and I felt unattractive because of his constant cheating ways. I wasn’t worth the effort and he wasn't going to change anywyas because I wasn’t up to his standards, I wasn't attractive, my body was basic and he wanted a woman with curves.That killed me when I first heard those words escape from his mouth. My pride was gone and any good spirit I had left drifted away. I was a broken person from grief and stress. I resented him for stealing all of my happiness away and instilling his negative thinking mind into mine. I suffered from demons within that I battled like drugs and addictions and I suffered from manic depression and stress. When I finally woke up and had enough of all his abuse, I made the wise healthy decision to end my sorrows and the relationship. The good person in me even tried to remain friends with him but he still make's it impossible. He never asked me for any forgiveness nor apologized for his mistakes I forgave him for my own reasons and satisfactions. I still hold resentment and much anger towards him and until those emotions can pass, I may consider a friendship. I will always pray that one day he will be forgiven for his own sake and wish for the best because karma always comes with her sweetest taste of revenge. But that's his life and I'm just glad to have control of mine now. I'm the only person capable to get my life back on track, face my fears, learn from my own mistakes and deal with my own struggles to establish myself financially, physically, emotionally and mentally enough to enjoy a stable life. It's hard to get knocked down from a great battle but you dust yourself off and put your dukes back up and continue to fight on until you win.

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