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That's Me- considering
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Predisposed to thoughts of introspection, my life is abducted by the sedentary thoughts of the mundane, the physical necessities of responsibility. They sweep me away without the expression that so drives me, disrupting my deepening assessments and seeking heart.
I love my children and their care and guidance within my hands alone, but sometimes I wish I could escape the gloomy mist that weights me and keeps me from my shell, my exploration. Life rushes by; each minute gone, evidence that I have been but not accomplished. I drive myself to knowledge, to the understandings that I must know before death beckons my will.
From youth I have always felt disconnected, not a part of the paradigms that govern a normal life. I always felt in the middle ground, not one way or the other. This indeterminate state has given me cause to doubt my place, my participation. Yet in older age I realise that these are simply my perceptions, not reality that can be labelled, clean and definable.
Always the creative mind has guided my seeking, opened new worlds for consideration and that has become my essence, my role. To that end I devote myself, but do not relinquish my sacred responsibilities, those that carry my blood forward. I often wonder if I shall end within the walls of an institution, the subject of inquiry of greater minds than I. Perhaps this would be preferable, my mind left to wonder where it wills, exploring the depths and edges of my potential being.
For now I wait, half within my shell, half without, a silken chord connection to the ‘normal’ functional human world. I impart my wisdom to those who’ll listen, I hope my children, and I try to give their souls the keys to a successful, but more importantly, a happy life. For me alone, my reclusive inclinations beg my surrender, the pure act of the creative mind my purpose on earth. My only connection to humanity will be the results of my art, understanding my expression.
I have come a long way to reveal what this soul sees and knows and it may or may not be recognised of worth. But the journey is all I seek, for it is this journey that defines us and nothing else. Life is cruel, relentless and at time excruciating, but within its path the power of love is always open to acceptance. I do not reject this; rather stand on the edge of it, barely holding back. I rest in the knowledge that this compassion and love lives within me. I suck hard the marrow of life to know it, taste it and lay to waste what needs disregarding. I wish to understand, even the hate and selfishness, for without it I would live in denial of my humanity.
I stand between the light and darkness; it is who I am, who we are. As good as I can be, is as bad as I can be. Humanity is simply a potential. Which way we choose to go is the result of our God-given free will, our salvation and our downfall. I am like all others except for one fact- I choose to see and accept this duality. I am evil incarnate, the source of all odious and destructive thought, and yet I am an angel, the source of all that is love.
What life can mean to anyone is given flight, the freedom to explore and learn. What then one takes of it is purely up to the individual, a choice. We can see what we want to see, and some of us to our own detriment, can see what we don’t, as well. It is both curse and blessing. Both fear and love work in mysterious ways.