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The Art of Flirting - Body Language and NLP.

Updated on November 25, 2014


There is much that we give away in a smile, in the exposing of our palms and in the direction our knees are pointing. To the casual on-looker, a couple sitting at a table are nothing more than a couple. To the enthusiast, however, there is a dance being performed, with non-verbal communication coming to the fore.

Many of us are unconsciously aware of how to read body language. The result?

"It didn't feel right", or, "I don't know why, but I know he was lying!".

The fun starts when we become conscious about the constant feed of cues being forwarded towards us.

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Right! Let's get about our work

Becoming Conscious

Nonverbal communication accounts for 80% of all communication. Stop chewing on the words and start paying attention to the important stuff. Your body might be contradicting you constantly.

Now, assuming John and Jane are sitting at a bar having a coffee. Jane has a crush on John, and has absolutely no idea what John thinks about her. But she has a secret weapon known as NLP. She's going to employ a technique called Creating Rapport . Creating rapport simply means creating a good feeling between her and John. It could also mean inducing a suggestive state (more on that later). We can create rapport in a number of ways. Let's start with the biggies.

  • Mirroring: Mirroring is the process by which you begin to copy a person's body language. Effectively acting as a sort of mirror. We see this all the time. Lovers unconsciously mirror each other. Good friends do as well. People who have good rapport will tend to mirror each other. If John moves in, Jane moves in. John laughs, Jane laughs. You adapt your pace to that of the person you intent to create rapport with. People who have that "Doesn't feel right" attitude are all over the place.
  • Correcting Rapport: You can correct the "Not right" feeling by looking at the mirror situation. John might have what is known as a closed position (legs and arms crossed, leaning back). It might be that he isn't interested, or simply that you are being to forward. Adapt. Take a step back and slow your pace. You walk a thin line. If you mirror the negative closed overtones you might give the impression of not being interested either, so look out! If John's posture is open (legs apart, leaning forward, palms exposed) you can begin to drive the nail home. Imitate him.
  • Signs of a Closed Posture:
  1. Legs crossed, knees facing away. (fear, not interested)
  2. Shoulders facing away. (Not interested)
  3. Palms denied to you. (unconscious signal of distrust)
  4. Eyes dart to the side (not interested)
  5. Eyes dart upwards (Embarrassed)
  6. Leaning back (Fear, distrust, not interested)
  7. Hands Low
  8. Doesn't look at you in the eyes, or body (Guess?)
  9. Tapping, foot or hand (Boredom)
  • Signs of an Open Posture (the good stuff
  1. Eyeing you.
  2. Leaning forwards
  3. Shoulders facing you.
  4. Knees facing you.
  5. Palms up and exposed (Trust).
  6. Relaxed (no jittering, tapping)
  7. Eyes down (If you are a man - submission)
  • More things to mirror
  1. Tone of voice
  2. Breathing (hard to do, and can look ridiculous trust me)
  3. Speed at which you speak



Creating good report is a good thing. But how can you be sure that your efforts are piling up?

When you feel you have some good rapport, try these exercises to see if your target has lower their defenses.

  • Look at a watch
  • Look at the sky

The point is to see if your target is now mirroring you! When and if they do, you can permit yourself an inner smile. You can be pretty sure that if you lean forward they will copy you. You could then extend that for the kiss.




At first it can seem difficult to remain calm and observant when placed before your dream.

  • But flirting can be practiced every-day, it doesn't have to mean anything and most of the time it doesn't. Try with friends and acquaintances and see how you do.
  • The rules aren't commandments. Some people who like you will retain closed gestures, and some who don't will be open. If you meet someone who consciously assesses body-language (like you) then you're in for a roller-coaster (or tug of war).
  • Visual Accessing Queues (If you enjoyed this article then this will link to my article on the VAQ)

The bottom line is; Have fun, and don't take it too seriously!


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    • profile image

      Kevin 5 years ago

      Hey great article, sorry but you misinterpreted "rapport" with "report" in the "Hooked" section.

    • Zenofsong profile image

      Zenofsong 7 years ago

      Nice basics, didn't make it complicated either! You get an A-plus for that! Plus, you used a story!

    • profile image

      Michael J. Emery 7 years ago

      Great article. Very useful information to remember to pay attention to in the future. I always liked what Richard Bandler, co-founder of NLP, had to say about body language. It was something along the lines of if you're only getting minimal subtle shifts in body language, then you're accessing the wrong stuff. Find the topics that get a person to totally light up and get their physiology racing...!

    • thooghun profile image

      James D. Preston 7 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Point take Miss Take! I write hubs casually do I tend to not over-scrutinize, but I'll give it a second glance and try and correct what I can ;)

    • profile image

      Miss Take 7 years ago

      i love your style of writing, and the subject..... brilliant. Hope you don't mind me saying, you just need to edit a few spelling and grammar errors. I hate saying that, but the quality of this hub is so good, i would hate a few little errors to hold you back...... i need to edit a few of mine to, thanks for this, it was written in a way everyone can understand. Cheers.

    • David R Bradley profile image

      David R Bradley 8 years ago from The Active Side of Infinity

      I'm in sales and most, if not all of this applies to working with a customer and closing a deal. Good work. NLP has helped me many times gage where my customer's at in terms of being able to make a decision and it guides me on what steps I need to take. Especially with regards to building and maintaining rapport.

    • janempowers profile image

      janempowers 9 years ago from New York, NY

      Great post and very practical... This is great info to know when you are keeping an eye on your own boyfriend... If you see any of this going on with another woman you may want to pay closer attention.

    • Keti profile image

      Keti 9 years ago from Skopje, Macedonia

      Great hub:)

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 10 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Lounn was right, the feet looked so happy...I just had to see what the "feet" were up to. hehehe even our toes speak much... so does the rest of our body. :-)

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile image

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 10 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Thanks for making the instinctive (to some) clear.

    • thooghun profile image

      James D. Preston 10 years ago from Rome, Italy

      hehe it aint easy to find related public domain stuff. But I loved this one :P

    • profile image

      Iðunn 10 years ago

      I came back through just to look at the cute little picture of the feet. they just look so happy. :)

    • gooadam profile image

      gooadam 10 years ago from san mateo

      I have always thought about body language meanings, but I never got into it. The info was very helpful.

    • thooghun profile image

      James D. Preston 10 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Thank you Whitney. yes, usually we have a first impression before someone even opens their mouths ;)

    • Whitney05 profile image

      Whitney 10 years ago from Georgia

      Very interesting... Flirting and body language, in general, is usually the first thing one notices about someone else... Body language being does the person seem confident or whatnot.

    • thooghun profile image

      James D. Preston 10 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Thank you all, very kind :)

      I'm glad there was something you could take with you.

    • compu-smart profile image

      Compu-Smart 10 years ago from London UK

      The Art of Body Language has always interested me so thanks for these extra nuggots of info which will be very helpful indeed..

    • MoralsEthics1960 profile image

      MoralsEthics1960 10 years ago from Florida

      great info -I will pass it on to a couple of people that would be interested as I was.

    • profile image

      Iðunn 10 years ago

      passing through with an upthumb :)

    • thooghun profile image

      James D. Preston 10 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Thanks Natalie ;)

    • natalie31 profile image

      natalie31 10 years ago

      great hub - very informative :)

    • thooghun profile image

      James D. Preston 10 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Great comments thanks! I agree MrMarmalade, while I still hold to a degree of skepticism regarding a lot of NLP I'm picking up, this is very solid stuff. Being conscious of body-language can make you appear to be someone else is someones eyes!

    • MrMarmalade profile image

      MrMarmalade 10 years ago from Sydney

      I first heard this information in say 1969, The gentleman who espoused this to a bunch of my sales guys, was Allan, was extremely knowledgeable and If my guys did not I certainly did learn.

      Through the years I have listen to Allan many times. he is very famous today.

      Great hub thank you.

    • Coeus profile image

      Coeus 10 years ago from All over the world and then some.

      Great article! Might find a use for this in job inteerviews too!