The Art of Flirting - Body Language and NLP.
There is much that we give away in a smile, in the exposing of our palms and in the direction our knees are pointing. To the casual on-looker, a couple sitting at a table are nothing more than a couple. To the enthusiast, however, there is a dance being performed, with non-verbal communication coming to the fore.
Many of us are unconsciously aware of how to read body language. The result?
"It didn't feel right", or, "I don't know why, but I know he was lying!".
The fun starts when we become conscious about the constant feed of cues being forwarded towards us.
Right! Let's get about our work
Nonverbal communication accounts for 80% of all communication. Stop chewing on the words and start paying attention to the important stuff. Your body might be contradicting you constantly.
Now, assuming John and Jane are sitting at a bar having a coffee. Jane has a crush on John, and has absolutely no idea what John thinks about her. But she has a secret weapon known as NLP. She's going to employ a technique called Creating Rapport . Creating rapport simply means creating a good feeling between her and John. It could also mean inducing a suggestive state (more on that later). We can create rapport in a number of ways. Let's start with the biggies.
- Mirroring: Mirroring is the process by which you begin to copy a person's body language. Effectively acting as a sort of mirror. We see this all the time. Lovers unconsciously mirror each other. Good friends do as well. People who have good rapport will tend to mirror each other. If John moves in, Jane moves in. John laughs, Jane laughs. You adapt your pace to that of the person you intent to create rapport with. People who have that "Doesn't feel right" attitude are all over the place.
- Correcting Rapport: You can correct the "Not right" feeling by looking at the mirror situation. John might have what is known as a closed position (legs and arms crossed, leaning back). It might be that he isn't interested, or simply that you are being to forward. Adapt. Take a step back and slow your pace. You walk a thin line. If you mirror the negative closed overtones you might give the impression of not being interested either, so look out! If John's posture is open (legs apart, leaning forward, palms exposed) you can begin to drive the nail home. Imitate him.
- Signs of a Closed Posture:
- Legs crossed, knees facing away. (fear, not interested)
- Shoulders facing away. (Not interested)
- Palms denied to you. (unconscious signal of distrust)
- Eyes dart to the side (not interested)
- Eyes dart upwards (Embarrassed)
- Leaning back (Fear, distrust, not interested)
- Hands Low
- Doesn't look at you in the eyes, or body (Guess?)
- Tapping, foot or hand (Boredom)
- Signs of an Open Posture (the good stuff
- Eyeing you.
- Leaning forwards
- Shoulders facing you.
- Knees facing you.
- Palms up and exposed (Trust).
- Relaxed (no jittering, tapping)
- Eyes down (If you are a man - submission)
- More things to mirror
- Tone of voice
- Breathing (hard to do, and can look ridiculous trust me)
- Speed at which you speak
Creating good report is a good thing. But how can you be sure that your efforts are piling up?
When you feel you have some good rapport, try these exercises to see if your target has lower their defenses.
- Look at a watch
- Look at the sky
The point is to see if your target is now mirroring you! When and if they do, you can permit yourself an inner smile. You can be pretty sure that if you lean forward they will copy you. You could then extend that for the kiss.
At first it can seem difficult to remain calm and observant when placed before your dream.
- But flirting can be practiced every-day, it doesn't have to mean anything and most of the time it doesn't. Try with friends and acquaintances and see how you do.
- The rules aren't commandments. Some people who like you will retain closed gestures, and some who don't will be open. If you meet someone who consciously assesses body-language (like you) then you're in for a roller-coaster (or tug of war).
- Visual Accessing Queues (If you enjoyed this article then this will link to my article on the VAQ)
The bottom line is; Have fun, and don't take it too seriously!
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