Moving Anger For Healing And Release
This morning I woke up with this surge of anger passing through me. I felt like a volcano about to erupt. This rarely happens to me anymore. Now after all, you would think that years of therapy, reading self-help, psychology and spiritual books along with meditation, and constant self- observation and what I call 'inner child and inner healing work' would straighten us out, wouldn't you?
Well, I suppose that depends on what you mean by 'straighten out.' I have come to learn and believe that 'healing' can and is often a life long process. Sure, we make progress and strides if we work at it enough, or as one of my therapist's used to say, "therapy works if we work it." I'd say that therapy sucks and then she would say her lines, and I'd have to agree and admit that misery sucks more. So off I'd go to my next session bound and determined to 'get straightened out' more no matter how much we had to dig into my subconscious mind and memories to locate the origins of fears, hurts, anger and other negative emotions, thoughts and beliefs that complicated my life and made me miserable so often.
So when I felt myself besieged by this sudden onslaught of anger, I took a few deep breaths and allowed myself to let the anger move. This can take some time and effort. We are usually taught as children that anger is not a good thing, and that to be upright, morale and good citizens and people we must repress and keep our anger under control.
To that I say 'crapola' as a friend of mine used to say. Repressing our anger is what leads to high blood pressure and tension that builds up slower and slower until one day 'boom' and 'burst'. At that point, anything can be the straw that breaks the camel's back as the saying goes. In my mother's case, holding in and repressing years of anger led to a major stroke when she turned sixty.
I used to tell mom that the best thing she could have done for her heart, mind and peace of mind, I might add, was to get a big wooden rolling pin and give my father a big whack in his sleep. That would teach him to abuse and mistreat her. Not that physical violence is something I advocate, but in mother's case it just seemed that it would have been equal medicine for my father to receive, since his first reaction when enraged (which was constant) was to hit her. That, I am sad to say, he did far many more times than I care to think about or remember.
Back to my anger this morning, I told my inner child that he needed to talk to me and tell me why and what he was upset about? An image of my friend Janice came to mind. I guess you could say that I had a 'spiritual crush' on Janice for quite some time. I even took her on as a student and helped open up her psychic, writing, healing and channeling abilities. We have known each other for almost five years. One of the first things she agreed and promised to do was to remove the excess weight she carried. She felt that it hindered her spiritual progress and admitted that all that weight was basically a 'heaviness' that just got in the way. She said that as her spirit lightened that she was more motivated to drop the weight, or as I say, 'give it to the universe, GITT, U...Get you!. Losing weigh or going on a diet are such negative expressions. I never use them and constantly encourage friends and clients not to. For what we lose we subconsciously seek to find. And the first three letters of DIET are DIE and "T" is for trying I will say. I prefer the words remove, take off, give to the universe etc.
Janice managed to gitt-u some fifty pounds and looked a lot better although she was about another seventy from her ideal weight. I encouraged her and applauded constantly. Then over a year ago she quit her job, lived on her 401-K for a time, concluding that according to the predictions about the Mayan calendar ending in 2010, that she would ascend and move to the new earth, so there was no need to save money for retirement.
Chacun a son gout, to each their own, as the French say. Janice managed to go through her 401-K in a little more than a year. Then I noticed the pounds began creeping back and within a few months, she had gained every single pound, and then some, back. This is a common story, I realize.
Janice had also told me that she was going to take her time off to build her healing business and get her name out there. She did not want to ever go back to the corporate world again. She had been a produce manager for over twenty years, and she decided she could and would make a living as a healer. Why not? There are lots of psychics and healers out there who do it full time. Some make a fortune at it such as Sylvia Browne. James Van Praagh, John Edward etc. They say we can do anything if we believe in our dreams and hopes, and are willing to do our part to manifest them and 'make things' happen.
Again, I was very supportive of Janice. Like they say, 'talk is big' and actions speak louder than words. Well, dear sweet Janice, has not manifested her dream or gotten her name out 'there' so people will want to come to her beautiful healing room that she worked so hard and creatively to manifest. I recall the day I visited her. I was stunned at the beauty of her sanctuary and healing room. There were crystals of all sizes and gemstones spread all over the place. Beautiful colorful scarves in purples, blues, pinks and pastels were artistically spread about. There were totems, feathers, paintings, dream catchers and heaven knows what else. I told her how breath taking it was and her response was, "I seldom even go in my healing room."
I was shocked. "Well, how can you expect anyone else to be drawn to such beauty and healing energy if you don't even spend time in there?"
"I don't know she replied."
You may be asking by now, what is Michael's point? Why is he rambling on about his friend Janice? I will tell you. I allowed my personal attachment, and spiritual love affair with Janice, to interfere with the usual nice but detached persona that I usually maintain. We all know how our ego and inner child love to rant and rave and get all wound up over things. Even when we think we have learned and have the three 'c's down pat, to be cool, calm, and collected, we find that something can set us off in the wink of an instant.
As I thought more, I realized that I was angry at Janice. What set off this anger? It was an email I received from another friend, Justine who told me that Janice was in Sedona AZ finding herself. Now, I have to admit that the email threw me for a big fat royal loop. I had told Janice the first time she came to me for a psychic reading back in 2004 that she was a Healer, a Writer, and a Channel. She brightened up like a light bulb on the part about being a healer and a channel, but she said that she actually avoided college so she would not have to write English papers and compositions. I smiled and said, 'what we resist has a tendency to persist.' My prediction turned out to be accurate because Janice did slowly blossom into a wonderful writer as well as a healer and channel.
She even helped me with some of the scenes in a couple of my books Janice has an amazing ability to scan for details, plot, character etc. She can just feel if a sentence or paragraph are not 'right'. She will point it out and then I fix the sentences, or 'add the fluff' as she calls it.
As I thought more about Justine's email, I realized that Janice and I had lost contact for a few weeks. So I wrote Justice back and said:
Your email about Janice is about 'clear as mud to me'. I told Janice the first time we met that she is a healer, channel and writer. She has spent the last few years developing her skills. And now not to know who she is? How can this be? Pardon moi as the French say, I'm totally confused. I thought the issue was her getting the weight off and marketing her healing skills. To build a name and a business. Oh well, whatever floats the ole boat as the saying goes."
I hit the send button and the next morning I wake up incensed. So I tell my inner child that this is 'talk' time. You need to speak your mind no matter what it is. Hold nothing back." In time and with practice, our inner child will do just that. He or she may have to learn to trust us first, especially if our own parents were abusive and mean to us, which my father was. That's part of the therapy works if we work it, progress that I made. The living proof that we each possess an inner child is 'feelings'. The feeling part of us is our inner child. When something sets off powerful emotions you can bet your bottom dollar our inner child's buttons has been pushed, whether positively or negatively.
With that said and done, I took out my picture I have of myself when I was about ten years old. It's the only one I have as the rest were ruined in a flood many years ago. I looked at the image of myself and felt this outpouring of love for the little boy I had been who had been through so much and never gave up no matter what. I believe we can all find that part of us that was/is strong and that never completely gave up no matter how abusive our parents, teachers, peers or whoever may have been to us when we were little.
I winked at the picture and said, "Little Michael, I pass the Indian talking stick to you." Go for it!"
"Well, it's Janice I'm really mad at. She told me, and even you and various entities and ascended beings in the many channeled sessions that you did for her, said that she would drop the excess weight and become a powerful healer. You and she were to travel to Hawaii and to other places world-wide to help people. I'm not sure why you and she concluded that she had to remove the excess weight, but you both did but you did.
"I got it in my head that she was going to remove it. She removes some and then gains it, plus more back. She takes a year off, and now, all this time later, she does not have her website up. She does not have flyers to pass out and she is basically doing very little to promote herself. It sucks big time. I have, or we, bust my butt off constantly pursuing my writing dream, working on and writing my books, poems and articles. I do tons of work to promote myself so I am busy enough to pay my bills while I pursue my writing dream. And Janice basically gets off the hook."
"So, are you jealous of Janice? Is that what you are saying?"
"Since you have trained me to be honest, I confess that yes, I am jealous of Janice. She has a husband who supports her, and gets to trek to Arkansas on crystal digs, and to various sacred spots and new age centers to meet this or that guru and to share energy as she puts it."
"Well, maybe that is her path. Maybe her good karma is to have a husband who will support her for awhile after she worked so hard for some thirty years. Maybe she is just taking a break?"
"Well, she has told you that her husband wants her to work and bring an income in, whether it be a regular job or healing work. He said he does not care what kind of work she does, but he can't carry the load all the time. I personally think that Janice is chicken little and too afraid to 'do what it takes' and go out there and make things happen like we do. I think she has a lazy side too."
"That could very well be true, but maybe we should be feeling some compassion for Janice instead of jealousy. Can we ever know anyone else's path or destiny? Do we have the right to judge any soul?"
"I guess not, but I'm still mad at Janice. I think she's a coward and a wimp. She talks a lot but what has she really accomplished in the last year since she quit work? She calls herself our equal, but she is not. We've worked very hard for many years to get where we are, and made a lot of sacrifices along the way and still do. We've always been alone and never had someone to pay our way. If we don't work we don't eat."
"That is true for us but her circumstances are different. Like I said, that could very well be her good karma."
"You are right, but I'm tired of being around that kind of energy and people. It depresses me and brings out my old fears that I won't be successful."
"Bravo to you, little Michael. You just made a great point. You are admitting and owning your own fears and saying that Janice's actions or lack thereof, mirror some of our fears. Is that what I am hearing?"
"I appreciate your honesty. That is so important. So what do you want to do?"
"Part of me wants to let her do, or not do, her thing and be done with her for now. I can honor her path, of 'not doing' as part of her growing or a stage or whatever you call it."
"Yes, it's called an impasse or stalemate and Lord knows you and I have been there a lot of times. So we know what it's like. After all, a psychic told me over twenty years ago that I'd become a successful writer and write many books. Look how many years it took to get my first book published. I'm just now really going full throttle or living up to my new name 'Steam Roller' at the age of fifty-two."
"Yes, and I'm so proud of you. You got three books published. And you got two more being looked at by your publishers and you have three more in the works. That's being a steam roller and you are working your butt off promoting your books along with your psychic work and business."
"Thank you, little Michael. So, are you saying that you need space from Janice for now?"
"I think so though I'll think some more about it. Maybe when your next book gets accepted and the second book of poetry that your publisher, who published the first one is going to look at, gets accepted, I'll feel more secure and not angry, the old fears, or threatened by Janice."
"So, you can admit that the real issue is with you and me, and not Janice. Can you accept that?"
"Yes, I understand how people are mirrors for parts of us. If we get really angry at someone, buttons are getting pushed and triggering parts of us that are unhealed and need looking at."
"You have learned so much, little Michael. How do you feel now?"
"How about if we wait a few days and see how we feel about Janice then?"
"Deal. Yes, I agree that time can heal. And we don't have to make rash quick decisions always. But I have to be honest. I, can see that you see and know how talented Janice is, and when she does not express them you, and I get upset, just like you got upset for years by limiting your expression of your talents. Why, friends told you years ago that your poetry is beautiful and should be made into lovely books and stocked in bookstores everywhere. They said the same thing about your articles and books."
"You are right. And I'd stop and start, and start and stop ad infinitum due to insecurity and self-esteem issues, and unhealed hurts from dad putting me down all the time, telling me I was basically worthless, and a piece of s...it that would never amount to a hill of beans, like mom. That struck me like a sword in the heart and has taken years of therapy and self-examination, and work to heal. And, I'm probably and perhaps will never be completely."
"Yeah, I'm the part of you that still cries sometimes, and feels alone and insecure, and who still needs and wants a daddy and good father."
"Yes, you are and that is an honorable notion as the Klingons in Star Trek would say."
"Well, with all we have been through, I don't ever see us going back. Like the gospel song says, "No turning back." We've been in the pit of sorrow and depression most of our life. It's time for joy, and buckets of success now. Don't you think we have earned it?"
"Yes. We have put in the time."
"Well, I just want you to know that no matter what we decide about Janice, that I have a hard time being with and dealing with people who mirror the 'old us.' Maybe Janice needs to find her path and do her thing. That is fine. But I'm not sure I can be around that kind of energy. We have changed too much in the past few months. And it makes me sad, because I wish Janice were right there with us. She goes on about that book she is going to channel by Mary Magdalene, and I say, what is holding her back? She has written beautiful things. So many. There is more going on. I think it's its old fears and blocks; probably from some past lives as well."
"Well, we know all about that, don't we? And we spend a lot of time in the sessions and readings trying to help clients work through their fear, pain and blocks."
"Can I tell you that I am so sad right now as I think about us pulling away at Janice. I know she has abandonment issues and this could trigger something very old. But I just am not sure if I can deal with her right now. You have attracted a couple new and very strong women in your life who are really going full throttle and full steam like you are. They are mirrors of the new you, as you always say that as our energy shifts we attract people who are resonating to those new energies."
"That is correct. And that is why I, too, am having a hard time with Janice's energy right now."
"She did all those healings on you and helped you come into your power and then she goes into her 'shut down' mode which we have sensed for some time. It makes no sense to me and it makes me so sad, even though I can hear her say, "it's all good. It's all good." It's not good to me when people hold back and block their own success."
"It happens far too often. I was our worst enemy for years."
"Well, you are not now and that is why so many doors are opening for us and so fast, I might add. It's actually kind of exciting, don't you think?"
"Yes, I do. And I also know that people come in our lives for reasons and they exit for reasons as well. I've always attracted strong women to help me heal just as I help heal a lot of women. Maybe are karma is worked out with Janice for the duration of this lifetime, or maybe it's just beginning. My guides are not telling me which. But what I do know for certain is that 'change' is in the air."
Well, I tell you what I will do. I will give Janice's inner child, a big hug, and tell her in dreams that she will be okay. And we will root for and pray that she will come into the fullness of her power and her talents, which are many. And will it be okay if we need to stay away from Janice for a time until she finds her way and moves forward in the way she claims is her destiny?"
"I say that is perfectly acceptable. Okay, thanks for sharing your thoughts, and feelings, little Michael. I'm famished. It's time for some chow."
Needless to say, I felt buckets better after that chat with my inner child. Then something truly wonderful happened and as we know, nothing happens by chance, and synchronicity happens to teach, show us, and help guide and move us forward. A little while later I received an email from a client who asked me to do a reading on two entities: The Avatar of Synthesis and The Spirit of Peace. I got chills as I reread the names of
the two entities. I meditated and then did the reading. I was moved to tears by what loving words of wisdom came through.
This reminded me that, along with our inner child, we also possess a higher self that loves us unconditionally. This part of us can literally access all knowledge and give us words of inspiration, encouragement and wisdom when we are feeling low and down and in need of guidance. Kahlil Gibran in his wonderful book, The Prophet, says that 'joy is your sorrow unmasked' and 'the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy can you contain.' Or in my case, the deeper that anger carves into your being, the more peace can you contain.' I wrote in my journal at 3:50 p.m. "I felt so much anger this morning and now it has passed to tranquility and serenity after I did the reading for Thomas."
As I bask in and bathe in the peace that replaced the anger, I humbly bow and make a toast to both 'anger' and 'peace' for each are powerful friends and teachers, not foes. As I say in the title of this article, anger needs to be moved through us before it can be released. It need to be honored, acknowledged and respected. Peace is its brother or sister and ready to embrace us when we have dealt with our anger. Remember that creating peace on earth begins with creating peace within!