The Labyrinth of Senotiza
The Labyrinth; This is a narrative introspection into the past.
Not sure where, how, and when things started.
She just woke up one day and found herself in the midst of this chaotic labyrinth;
She ran from here to there; in one turn she saw the shadow moving, stalking her, tailing her, walking and hiding in secrecy, ready to attack her any time, if she runs short of alertness;
She’s so scared, she doesn’t know who to call, and she just runs; run from here to there. She just knows that she has to get out of here fast, quickly and right now, so she runs again exhausting her energy helplessly in the process; but everything is still the same; there’s just no amount of running that can get her out of this chaotic labyrinth.
This is how I see myself in my situation now;
I feel the girl in the labyrinth;
How, when and where did everything start?
The answer is a very long way to turn back and as deep as a bottomless pit to dig down.
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would say that everything started from me but again the question is “why?” does it mean that I only have myself to blame?
Is it the way I think that reflects in my reality?
How long have I been living in a dream?
Why can’t I function normally in the world of material and environmental reality?
Is it because I have this strong feeling that there is always a better place, a better someone to love and love me, a better community, a better life condition somewhere beyond the blue?
Am I living in the Utopia of perfection that is non-existent in this dimension called life?
All the wrong people and the misfits live here.
There is nobody to trust and nobody is lovable enough; I always feel that I just have to settle down on whatever this life presents me but I am not actually happy for having them, they suck and I feel like I cannot exercise my freedom to choose because those choices are non-existent in this dimension.
My urge is always to run away, to escape from this entrapment of a labyrinth of hateful characters.
They were a big and happy family of big people;
Very loud and noisy but I didn’t understand what everybody was up to and what made them click;
I was out of place and I have my little sister for a big responsibility;
There were many of them but none of them truly cared for me and my little sister; that is as far as I can see;
It’s not that they hate me; on the contrary, they were in fact fond of me; fond?
What does fondness mean?
That I am cute and wonderful for what?
Where is the only person I know and acknowledged to be genuinely loving and caring for me and my little sister?
Do I have a mother?
What is a mother anyway? I just want to be home, to be in a home where love abounds for one another, for every member of the family including me.
What is love anyway?
Maybe it’s love when Papa would cuddle me and tell me wonderful stories.
When Papa would carry me on his shoulders as we go anywhere, to the park, to the beach, to the market and the entire time saying to me “Den, hold on to my head and don’t fall asleep. Look around so you see people and other wonderful things"
When Papa brought us candies and peanuts and when he would laugh at about anything I and my sister did.
Maybe its love when Papa was the only person who was always there for me and my little sister but where is anybody else, or was there anybody else for us?
But Papa was gone too; one day when I woke up Papa was nowhere to be found, there was only the big-mouthed and rude Josefa.
Papa was never seen for like an eon to me.
I searched for him for eternity and everywhere but he was just not there and nobody would tell me where he was or would he come back for me and my little sister.
There’s just nobody to love me enough to stick with me.
This is a sad world, I got to run away from this chaotic labyrinth; confusion is all I get here.
Then a stranger woman came one day, I was scared of her for she was just another stranger to me or maybe she would just be like the rude Josefa; but the stranger woman was supposed to be my mother, the woman who gave full and complete attention to me, the woman who gave me dolls, fruits and candies and who taught me how to do some embroidery with her magic needles, the woman who loved me, the woman who became everything to me and who I had learned to love and to stick with, the most wonderful woman I had experienced and to dream of being together for the rest of my whole life; but then she left at the time when I had decided that life is after all wonderful because I actually have a mother who means everything to me, the mother who showed that I am everything to her.
But why did she too have to go away?
Why did she have to leave me?
The worst was I was tricked to go with her, happiest moment, but then some strong men grabbed me out from her side just as the bus was leaving and she did not do anything to let me stay by her side; and leaving me screaming in agony.
I attempted to run after the bus as I screamed “Mama, Mama, please don’t leave me! “
I can only see the back of the bus where Mama was and the dusts that the running bus stirred of that unpaved road darkened my sight and dirtied my sweaty body and face like mud.
When the light came back, the bus was completely out of sight so I rolled down to the ground kicking as I screamed my sorrow away, people were surrounding me and there was Papa trying to pick me and calm me down; but I wouldn’t let him touch me, even Papa’s presence cannot console me, in fact I didn’t want to see him for I knew that he too would leave me.
Such a miserable feeling!
She’s gone again.
All the people I love and who professed to love me and care for me are just out of sight; they just go away and live their own lives;
Who cares what I feel?
The red bag contained all my favorite things; the book Sally, Dick and Jane, a box of crayons, a sharpened big black pencil, a pad of paper and my candies as well.
My new dress and shoes and the big ribbon on my hair attested to my big day as a little lady.
The lady in the desk asked me to raise my right arm then reach for my left side ears as I bend my arm over my head.
Naturally I cannot reach it because my arm was not that long as yet; I needed another year to grow up in order to succeed in that simple act.
Then Papa said that we had to go home.
My enthusiasm for my first day in school abruptly dropped when I realized that I would wait for another year in order to be in school.
Such grief that would never leave me for eternity!