The Quiet Oppressor
The Quiet Oppressor
By Tony DeLorger © 2014
Inevitably I am thrown into the same quandary, guided by what I feel society expects of me, but struggling with what I can manage, both physically and mentally, creating a contention within myself. My exhaustion and underlying lethargy takes its toll on a daily basis, taxing most tasks
and leaving me feeling inadequate and demotivated. My long term depression is a constant source of struggle, and for that and other physiological reason, I swim and work out at a gym six days a week, even though it can be a struggle getting myself there, mentally. The benefits are obvious: I am fitter, stronger and it help keep me in a positive frame of mind. But one way or another, I'll be exhausted, and in the end I suppose I just have to live with it.
I am most productive in front of my computer, writing. It is what I do best and what I love doing. The mental strain and physical toll of working for someone is a problem I can't seem to deal with, and even though I worked for one year out of the last two, I feel less capable of being in a work environment, all of it stressful and debilitating.
I have studied most methods for dealing with depression, and although they have their uses and can be life-saving, none of them remove this illness from me mind and my body. I accept responsibility for my illness and after many years of it, know my limitations. It is not fear but disappointment that plagues my mind, for when, out of a sense of right, I throw myself into a work situation, I have panic attacks and the stress feels like it is tearing me apart.
The nature of this illness is so crippling and limiting in the way it can affect our passage through life. I have always externally kept a brave face, smiled and go out of my way to be helpful and kind to people, but underneath is another story. Most people wouldn't know the torturous thoughts and confusion that goes through my head, and the struggle with simple daily activities. Having kept all these feelings within for most of my life has caused an internal dialogue that has in a way, helped me deal with depression in an introspective way. I have learned to be analytical and self-aware to a great degree and having studied human behaviour have learned a great deal about what makes us tick. The problem I have remains the same: what I think I should be doing, as opposed to what I am capable of. This is my most contentious issue, almost moralistic in nature.
In the end I have to face the fact that no matter how much I kick and squirm, I can only do what I can do. I am not very good at forgiving myself, and that definitely needs some work. I guess my moral compass is well and truly set and its like a brick wall, a paradigm I have embraced since childhood and no doubt instilled in me by my mother, who was as honest as the day is long. I thank her for that foundation; it has always served me well.
For anyone who suffers from any kind of depression disorder, always seek help, from friends, family and professionals. It is not something that should be kept inside, otherwise it will be at the expense of your mental and physical health. There are many programs where you can get assistance in dealing with this problem on a daily basis, and in the long term. Depression need not be a sentence, and you can lead a healthy and fulfilling life when you understand the illness and how it affects you.