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The Rigid Selves

Updated on March 31, 2010

I believe the truth in all matters really is to be true to you no matter what.  I’ve read countless hubpages about such matter and all hold to the same nature. I constantly have to question my intentions here on hubpages, what type of attention/traffic I’m writing for. only because there’s no end to the persistent yearning to make something of myself. At the age of twenty-one, it is all I can I say that I’ve only accomplished one great thing in my life and that is my daughter. However, what effort really have I put into even that, it certainly isn’t as much as I had thought I would? But is it enough? ?

This contemplation is a constant in my mind, what is anything for? I can sit here and call myself a sufferer of a diagnosis that has brought me to this state of mind where all I do is question my surroundings. The problem with this assumption is that everybody asks this same question. What is the purpose of doing anything, why do you falter onward when we know where it’s going to lead us? Is the problem that I don’t have a system of belief, that’s the answer I receive from some. It is that I need to lay a foundation of faith so that I can focus my mind on getting better. That becoming a person deep rooted in the fundamentals of a type of system will help save me.

I believe though, I’m sure that’s what they don’t realize. Or am I really sure of that? I don’t know, but I do believe. Like I mentioned before, it’s hard but there is that desire to be true to myself. That's the faith is deep within two halves that make up the whole of me.

The Twos

There are two parts to myself; there is the doubting one who is in this permanent state of dismissal of just about everything. It doesn’t care and holds no faith. It doesn’t believe nor does it endure in all times of hardship. It destroys the happiness when it comes and holds onto sadness for dear life. It retains this rigid shape in relation to life, never yielding to the wind or bending in approval of anything really. This part of me, this part of me doesn’t even bother to hide in the face of rejection. It subjects itself to the inconsistencies and tendencies of my incapacitations. It buckles under the whims of negative thoughts without failing. I’ve found that it succumbs easily to the “diagnosis”, throwing upon it all the burdens just so say I have found my excuse. That’s the part of me that when I’m losing my initial will to keep going on, it screams out the necessary things to damage my will.

Then there is the other part of me, willing, able, and trudging on because there is hope in life. It cares and holds onto faith. It believes and endures in all times of hardship. It acknowledges the sadness but knows happiness will always prevail. Continuously it bends, making itself flexible to allow anything positive to hold a place in my heart. This part of me, this part of me doesn’t hide the face of fear either, and it does bare it’s all, but it does so with an iron shield and an echoing swords (it keeps resounds with power). It seems my incapacitations but knows there’s knowledge and desire enough increase the success I’ve stumbled on in the various aspects of my life. It takes the “diagnosis” and discards it, saying it has no use for such nonsense. That’s the part of me that when I’m losing my initial will to keep going, it screams out all the necessary things to strengthen my will.

Inevitably these two meet and clash heads, releasing both of their essence and expecting me not to be weakened by the battle they have just fought. I don’t’ want either parts of me to leave though, I need them both, I think I do anyway.


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    • catalystsnstars profile image

      catalystsnstars 6 years ago from Land of Nod

      No problem cleaner, we are all guilty of being human. :) Thanks for the comments!

    • cleaner3 profile image

      cleaner3 6 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

      You are a very intelligent woman. I think that I underestimated your knowledge of your own self awareness. Please let me apologize for being rude, I jumped to a conclusion, which i do quite often.


    • catalystsnstars profile image

      catalystsnstars 6 years ago from Land of Nod

      Thanks Sky, I've read some of your hubs, and you also have an excellent way of communicating emotions. It's something that everyone has but has been woken up in all.

    • Sky9106 profile image

      Sky9106 6 years ago from A beautiful place on earth.

      Thanks for sharing and sharing such a beautiful hub . I have heard all these questions time and time again , there is a very great difference here and that is your ability to describe your feelings and turn your thoughts one step closer into being the catalysis that stirs up your future in writing and also in identifying whatever bothers you .

      Great work.


    • slock62 profile image

      slock62 7 years ago from Florida

      You describe so clearly and might I say eloquently, the struggle that every breathing person knows. It is not that you experience that matters, it is what you do with it that experience.

      We each walk a very fine line between extasy and despair. I believe the line in the middle is where we need to be. We will occasionally drift toward the ecstasy and likewise the despair. The trick is to not alow ourselves to go deeply into either. The farther you allow yourself to enter, the more difficult it is to find your way back to the middle. It is a fine balancing act we do.

      Somewhere along your journey I hope you get an understanding of the fact that you are not walking this path alone.

      If you will practice spending as much time as is comfortable in silence,(sometimes hard when you have a child)and simply practice being aware and conscious of your surroundings,you may begin to hear a small voice from deep within your soul. That voice will guide you along your journey. Have faith, don't give up and practice listening in the silence.

      As far as your child goes, we all as mothers have doubts about how good a job we are doing. Just love her and be there when she needs you. When you find your balance you may be surprised that she had a lot to do with you getting there.

      God Bless you and bring you peace that passes understanding.


    • Enlydia Listener profile image

      Enlydia Listener 7 years ago from trailer in the country

      I think you have described my own inner struggle...some times the highs are so high and the lows so low...but as my husband would say "everyone has a touch of all these mental issues"....some people hide it better, some deal better, and some are just in denial. Blessings on you and your little one (hug)

    • catalystsnstars profile image

      catalystsnstars 7 years ago from Land of Nod

      @Ashmi, wow thank you for that comment. At first I wasn't sure what a yogini was but upon research, I'm ever grateful to you for referring to me as one.

      @cheaptrick thank you for the compliment and the advise, which I WILL practice because as you mentioned, the "material noise" really is the sounds that need to be discarded on the path of building oneself up.

    • cheaptrick profile image

      cheaptrick 7 years ago from the bridge of sighs

      First I'd like to compliment you for having such an inquisitive mind.Ashmi has expressed it so well I will only add this."The unexamined life is not worth living",our friend Plato left us with that contemplation.Calm your self and do not seek for understanding,it is already within you.Remove the Material Noise that stands in it's path through meditation.

      Do not be To bad young friend,but do not be to good either.


    • Ashmi profile image

      Ashmi 7 years ago from Somewhere out there

      LOL...your mind goes at the speed of light! At least you are aware of what's going on to an extent, and try to make heads or tails of it. Most people don't bother.

      Our minds are full of contradictions. We want love yet divide and exclude. We talk of peace yet prepare for war. We seek friendship yet exploit and abuse. We want peace and harmony in the world yet refuse to have it in ourselves. We seek the truth yet cannot live with it. We wish to be free yet refuse to let wonder we are stressed out and frustrated at every turn.

      The mind exaggerates expectation and that is why we are so often disapointed. Even our objects of pleasure fail to satisfy as they can never yield the pleasure anticipated! This has given me an idea for another hub TY.

      You are a yogini without knowing it. I look forward to reading more of your hubs.