We Are Alone
We Are Alone
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Alone we are and alone we shall remain. Reliance on anything or anyone else to be happy, secure or successful is both counterproductive and delusional. Acceptance that we are responsible for our lives and what we do with it is a necessary part of being a grown up, someone who has leaned from experience and has become self–reliant.
This may sound sad and shed a different light on what you associate with a love partnership, but this is true and irrefutable. Who we choose as a partner to share our lives and experience family, financial commitments and the ups and downs of life, is solely a choice and nothing more. What we think, experience and learn is a singular and personal affair. We share life with people yet we are ultimately alone, responsible for us, our experiences and responses to life.
Family is an important part of most of our lives and we as parents would do anything for our kids and loved ones. However, in the end, after kids have grown up and had their own families, and perhaps we’ve been divorced once or twice, we realise the only thing in life with any longevity, is that we are always us. We are alone.
We are all driven to follow our forbears and when of age, get married, have kids and live in a certain predetermined way. During our lives many of us have never had to be alone in any sense. We have learned to be reliant on parents and then replace them with a partner, with which we share our responsibilities and most aspects of life. This unfortunately has not given us enough time to find strength within ourselves, as a single entity.
When we live life reliant on someone else, our behaviour embraces preserving that reliance or dependence. If the relationship doesn’t work out, we then seek another person who can provide the important aspects of that reliance. The relationship then is not based on what relationships should be about: love, respect, common beliefs and ambitions, but based on need.
Psychology recognises this reliance or co-dependence as a childhood experience that evolves into the adult personality. We know the idea: women looking for father-figures, men seeking mothers to take care of them. These kinds of adult relationships rarely last as each person has issues of dependence, none of them self-reliant.
We are alone in that we are singularly responsible for our lives, and with whom we choose to share our lives, is our choice. But we are alone, and should be able to be alone and take responsibility for our thoughts, and actions.
As adults we need to be self-reliant: to work, to shop, to pay bills, to orchestrate the flow of our life, without the need for someone else’s input. It’s the only way we can offer an attractive package to a prospective partner; two whole people willing to share their lives on equal terms. That is the answer to a relationship that has a chance of lasting the long-term.
In conclusion, there are many quotable psychological ideals related to this subject, but I choose to keep it simple and say that we need to be alone and independent first, before we can become a practicing individual. With the strength of independence our relationships with people can be straightforward and honest and we are still alone, yet content in sharing our lives.