Where Beginnings End
Where Beginnings End
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Were it within my control I would surely have saved you from yourself, dulled that blade, with harm no more than a scratch. Yet your thoughts were beyond me, beyond my reach; you in a darkness that only you could see. I don’t understand how that darkness removed all will and consumed you. No matter how dark the night there is always a dawn, another chance of renewal. How did you not see that?
You now lie cold on metal, your body without the smile that I once knew. All struggle gone, all thoughts like wisps of air float carelessly away into the stream of past. I still long for that positivity you once exuded, when darkness was at the hands of a switch. I mourn the days that could have been, the smiles and contentment that somehow eluded you.
How could it all have become too much, the seemingly trivial in retrospect? How torturous and monumental it must have appeared for you to run so hard to escape it. I saw not the impending danger of self, the possible termination of struggle as you sat tethered to life by a fine thread of silk. I could never have guessed of your thinking, so close to endings. You smiled still and fought through tears to reassure me that everything would be all right.
Now I sit here blaming myself for your heartless act. There must have been something I could have done, some small indication that your need was far greater than I saw. A call, just a phone call would have given me an opportunity to quell your fears and give you hope, anything to continue. Why didn’t you give that to me?
I keep seeing all that blood that wasted life flowing down a drain like tears, for every sadness life can contain. You slumped against a wall, your arms bare and open, and your gaze without expression, blank but strangely at peace. I shall never rid myself of that image and the weight of my aching heart.
I have memories, and I shall hold on to them. They will haunt my private thoughts, never quite resolving this end you chose. But I will treasure the moments of pleasure and happiness that I witnessed and will attest there was life where life is no longer. So young you were, barely into the half of it. I saw a future, success and happiness; how could you not? It was just a job, it didn’t define you, make you who you were. If only you could have seen that, realised the game, the politics and inequity of people, perhaps perspective would have made the difference.
I mourn not only for you but me, my helplessness, and my guilt. I hate you for what you did, but I loved you for what you were, before darkness stained your soul. I pray that you now find peace, but realise this was unnecessary, too drastic a measure. I can’t blame your boss; he was just another pawn within the game. If only he could have seen the potential I did, that chair would have been yours and you would now be on the phone telling me about it, bubbling and vibrant.
How narrow is this edge between grief and happiness, how vulnerable we are; you were. I fear I will have to let you go, so I can recover, not stare into that darkness. It mesmerised you, stole your soul from an intelligent mind. Now I fear my own mind, realising how fragile we are. In life you taught me many lessons. You had so much to offer the world: your creativity, your kindness, your compassion and that infectious smile. I can’t believe you slipped away so quietly from me, slid down a slope I just didn’t see coming.
I will never forget you, but I must release you. I hope the pain has ceased and you are at rest. I will always remember you with love.