ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Where Beginnings End

Updated on August 21, 2013

Where Beginnings End

By Tony DeLorger © 2011

Were it within my control I would surely have saved you from yourself, dulled that blade, with harm no more than a scratch. Yet your thoughts were beyond me, beyond my reach; you in a darkness that only you could see. I don’t understand how that darkness removed all will and consumed you. No matter how dark the night there is always a dawn, another chance of renewal. How did you not see that?

You now lie cold on metal, your body without the smile that I once knew. All struggle gone, all thoughts like wisps of air float carelessly away into the stream of past. I still long for that positivity you once exuded, when darkness was at the hands of a switch. I mourn the days that could have been, the smiles and contentment that somehow eluded you.

How could it all have become too much, the seemingly trivial in retrospect? How torturous and monumental it must have appeared for you to run so hard to escape it. I saw not the impending danger of self, the possible termination of struggle as you sat tethered to life by a fine thread of silk. I could never have guessed of your thinking, so close to endings. You smiled still and fought through tears to reassure me that everything would be all right.

Now I sit here blaming myself for your heartless act. There must have been something I could have done, some small indication that your need was far greater than I saw. A call, just a phone call would have given me an opportunity to quell your fears and give you hope, anything to continue. Why didn’t you give that to me?

I keep seeing all that blood that wasted life flowing down a drain like tears, for every sadness life can contain. You slumped against a wall, your arms bare and open, and your gaze without expression, blank but strangely at peace. I shall never rid myself of that image and the weight of my aching heart.

I have memories, and I shall hold on to them. They will haunt my private thoughts, never quite resolving this end you chose. But I will treasure the moments of pleasure and happiness that I witnessed and will attest there was life where life is no longer. So young you were, barely into the half of it. I saw a future, success and happiness; how could you not? It was just a job, it didn’t define you, make you who you were. If only you could have seen that, realised the game, the politics and inequity of people, perhaps perspective would have made the difference.

I mourn not only for you but me, my helplessness, and my guilt. I hate you for what you did, but I loved you for what you were, before darkness stained your soul. I pray that you now find peace, but realise this was unnecessary, too drastic a measure. I can’t blame your boss; he was just another pawn within the game. If only he could have seen the potential I did, that chair would have been yours and you would now be on the phone telling me about it, bubbling and vibrant.

How narrow is this edge between grief and happiness, how vulnerable we are; you were. I fear I will have to let you go, so I can recover, not stare into that darkness. It mesmerised you, stole your soul from an intelligent mind. Now I fear my own mind, realising how fragile we are. In life you taught me many lessons. You had so much to offer the world: your creativity, your kindness, your compassion and that infectious smile. I can’t believe you slipped away so quietly from me, slid down a slope I just didn’t see coming.

I will never forget you, but I must release you. I hope the pain has ceased and you are at rest. I will always remember you with love.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)