Who and What am I ?
Who and What am I?
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Where am I, if not within with my consciousness. Am I whole, my body and mind in sync, coexisting in a harmonious way? Or am I displaced, my consciousness alluding to singularity and my body its partial slave and occasional receptacle for fragmented thought. I often wonder why I see so completely the anomalies of existence, and don’t take for granted the assumptions of greater minds than I.
What is the real me? Am I but an accumulation of experience that dictates my own assumptions about what I am? I am to believe that I am soul with shell, or a momentary consciousness that comes and goes, and is silent in death. Am I the dust from where I came, a manufactured being by a creator of purpose, or am I a random act of aspiring life? Am I a series of chemical reactions that somehow squeezed into an organism, and then by experience gained knowledge and developed an intellect?
Was I orchestrated, or am I a fateful being, haphazardly coming to life and eventually awareness? But am I aware? Are my questions based on a ground level stupidity, too ignorant to understand what science believes is right. Or am I beyond what science knows, looking further to the truth and not accepting what technology explains and is understood at the time?
I see ambiguity in such mammoth quantity, loose ends that are nicely tied up by current accepted knowledge, but with holes as big as super novas. Human knowledge can only be as great as our capacity allows, none of which infers truth. Science only claims based on aptitude, understanding relevant information, not definitive truth. So who among us can claim any truth, beyond what we are capable? None of course! So our understanding is based on a maybe at best.
Why may I ask these questions when real answers are impossible to be analysed and concluded as truth; because we assume and therefore stop aspiring to know. Knowing is less of a truth of fact and more a feeling of understanding. And in that sense I question myself to understand me alone. Not the world or universe but me, I claim as my quest of knowledge. From that I will seek outwardly and apply what I find.
So who and what am I? I am a spec amid a trillion to the power of infinity. I am here and then gone, my life a flash of light so meaningless that no-one will ever perceive me in the night sky. My awareness does little but upset my capacity to understand, for I am so limited in thought, I use logic to prop up my knowledge.
The only time that I have meaning is when I am attuned to creativity, without thought and intention, with vague consciousness. The only time I feel real is when I’m in the state of experiencing love. Not sex or lust but pure selfless love. Then I have meaning, I have purpose and therefore existence in a undeniable way. Not contemplated, not measured, not judged or claimed to be anything other than an experience that is beyond thought or logic.
What am I? I am potential to love. Who am I? I am a spec that has the potential of light the size of a pinprick. My value is that I can become part of a greater light that can be seen in the night sky, can be accepted as being. The rest is questionable.
Life is far too complex to understand in any meaningful way. Getting lost in the stream of logical attempts is wasting time. All roads lead to love. Not that which we think we understand but something far greater. All we can do is follow it, our meagre addition giving relevance to the whole.
No matter how deeply we probe our souls, we are who we are regardless. Trying to be someone we're not is counterproductive and without purpose. Accepting who we are, with all our foibles, will set you free.