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Why Do BPD Women Lie?

Updated on March 11, 2015

If you are with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), then you are most likely in a very tumultuous relationship. People with BPD are typically troubled inwardly and have poor impulse control, which creates a lot of conflict and problematic behavior.

You might have experienced the person with BPD lying quite a bit; lying about you, lying about themselves or lying about the situation. It might have even gotten you in trouble. They simultaneously try to keep the relationship intact but make it fall apart because their thinking and behavior is so destructive.

Here we explore why the BPD person lies.

Bad Impulse Control

One of the characteristics of BPD is poor impulse control. The person who suffers from this disorder just isn't thinking of the consequences of their actions; they're not thinking that far ahead at all. They are thinking about what they want and can only see the world through their own unclear and delusional mental framework. Therefore, if it means getting what they want, they will lie.

Bad Perception

Well, whether they believe their lies or not, they are rooted in a distorted view or an attempt to create a distorted view. They approach relationships in a black and white way; you are idealized or devalued, depending on the situation. Anything to control. The truth is distorted so they can get what they want. They will draw you into their drama and attack you angrily because of their fear of abandonment. At the root of this confused behavior is fear. Fear of being left alone.

Along these lines, their perceptions are so distorted and lies so rampant that they no longer know what is true. Everything has been swept away by their turmoil and emotions and deception, including their own perception.

BPD people vacillate between idealization and devaluation of their partners.
BPD people vacillate between idealization and devaluation of their partners.

Deflection from Themselves

Feeling deep-seated shame, BPD people will try to deflect attention from their own defects by lying about you or themselves. It is simply smoke and mirrors, a self-protective mechanism to hide their own shame.

The truth, for them, is too painful and they essentially avoid it by lying.

Their Black and White World

BPD people are hyper-sensitive to rejection, in fact this sensitivity is what leads them into conflicts and lying; to hold on and not let go and fight you for abandoning them. So, they don't ever want to look bad, because they figure any flaw is cause for complete rejection. Consequently, they lie to cover themselves.

They attempt to avoid judgment of their mischief and also want others to think more highly of them than they think of themselves. This combination and fear, along with simmering anger and bitterness, can cause a good deal of fabrications and drama.

Those with Borderline Personality Disorder will often lie to get what they want.
Those with Borderline Personality Disorder will often lie to get what they want.

Drama and Attention

Simply put, they want attention. Part of their self-absorption is wanting attention on themselves. Creating drama is a good way to make this happen. They are the creators and perpetrators of drama and can draw attention to themselves through it.

Making Sense of Their World

Essentially, people with BPD create very confused and chaotic situations and might actually use lies to make sense of the disorder they create and perpetuate. This, of course, fuels the fires of their delusions and makes them worse.

Simply put, they live in a different world from people who don't have BPD. Their world is a world of fantasy and lies and they use lies to further "make sense" of it. Mostly, their reality is based on their feelings; their feelings inform their perceptions. It is not based in fact or truth, just their network of shame and fear.

How People with BDP View the World

Are you in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

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Simmering beneath the surface, and often boiling over into full-fledged rage, is anger. They hold onto past wrongs, they feel deep-seated shame and feel entirely inadequate. These are ingredients for mischief and bad behavior and can make the BPD person lie as a form of aggression. They attack you with lies.

People with BPD lie to keep control.
People with BPD lie to keep control.

The person with Borderline Personality Disorder lives in a Black and White world in which they are constantly afraid of abandonment, while they also feel deep shame, inadequacy and anger and resentment. This is all cause for various manipulations to maintain or gain control, even to the point of telling lies that cross way past the line of normalcy or what is ethical.

When Hope is Not Enough
When Hope is Not Enough

Excellent book for the person who does not have Borderline Personality Disorder but who nonetheless is in some kind of relationship with someone with BPD and needs to know how to deal with it.



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    • NathaNater profile image

      NathaNater 2 years ago

      Great insights, Dr Billy Kidd.

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 2 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      You said it all in one sentence: "...constantly afraid of abandonment, while they also feel deep shame, inadequacy and anger and resentment."

      I've also noticed that women who have borderline personality disorders often attract men with anti-social personalities, who are often sex addicts also. The women take the abuse because the guy comes back after cheating and sweet talks them, making them feel better about themselves (in some weird way.)

      The cause? Generally these women are treated as worthless as children. So their sense of self-esteem is twisted and they're always looking for negative outcomes.

    • NathaNater profile image

      NathaNater 2 years ago

      kj, Those are worthy questions, good for further exploration!

      Thanks, Deborah. It can be a mystery what is happening with some people, and when we find out it can be a "ah-ha!" moment. Peace be with you.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for a very interesting and informative article. I had a close friend with BPD, and it was very difficult for me, until I realized that she had a problem, and her problem was not my fault.

      Thanks for shedding some light.


    • kj force profile image

      kjforce 2 years ago from Florida

      Enjoyed your what are the underlying causes of these disorders,,, are they inherited ? learning process? of our own body/mind from birth ?chemical changes from environmental toxins/foods, additives etc?..are they able to be detected from early years..can they be cured or just managed ? Where do we draw the line between " disorder " and " disease ? "....perhaps this would be a further write for you...

      Liked your choice of subject and research approach...