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Amusing Aphorisms

Updated on January 7, 2013

Welcome to the Archive of Amusing Aphorisms

This light-hearted lens is devoted to another fine and sometimes funny figure of speech known as the "amusing aphorism".

An aphorism is a short saying that embodies a general truth or astute observation that is attributed to someone (usually a very important personality or historical figure).

So, without further ado...let's get on with the shoe, one amusing aphorist knows... "Clothes make the man. Naked People have little or no influence on society." (Mark Twain)

And now a few wise words of wisdom - From a boisterous beast.

"Beware, ye of the dragon's lair,

for ye are juicy medium rare."


Image Credit: illustration posted in

FOOD FOR THOUGHT - How do aphorisms get into fortune cookies?

Word has it that the Fickle Finger of Fate probably had her hand in the dough.

However, only amusing aphorisms make the final cookie cut!

So, if truth be told, these funny figures of speech must meet the following five criteria:

1. Be brief.

2. Be definitive.

3. Be personal.

4. Be philosophical.

5. Have a twist.


Source: James Geary's "Five Laws of Aphorisms"

Image Credit:

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Witty Women Contribute to the Anthology of Amusing Aphorisms

The President of today is the postage stamp of tomorrow. -- Gracie Allen

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -- Linda Furney, politician

No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor. - Betty Friedan, feminist writer

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried begfore. -- Mae West

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. -- Adrienne Gusoff, humorist


Image Credit:

Deep Thoughts... - And, here's one from Jack Handey...

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. - Abraham Maslow

"Sucking your thumb without a blanket is like eating a cone without ice cream!"


-- Charles M. Schulz, creator of the comic strip "Peanuts"

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie' until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)


Image Credit: Coghill Cartooning

"Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion."

-- Robertson Davies --

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug. - John Lithgow

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. - W.C. Fields

Dance like it hurst.

Love like you need money.

Work when people are watching.

-- Dilbert cartoon caption created by Scott Adams --

"Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it." -- Woody Allen

A Silly Stamp of Approval! - "Consider the postage stamp, it's usefulness consists in the ability to stick to something 'til it gets there." - Josh Billings

The Devil's Dictionary - A Dastardly Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

A taste of the twisted tongue...

Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thnks with his legs.

Prevaricator, n. A liar in the caterpillar state.

Self, n. The most important person in the universe. See Us.

How To Survive The Ho Ho Ho Holidays

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."


Quote Credit: Garrison Keillor, American author from 'Exiles' in Leaving Home (1987).

Image Credit: Illustrator Liz Lomax

'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY! - Witty Words of Wisdom from A Whiskered Wunderkin!


Image Credit: -

If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Amusing Aphorism Book Boutique

Oxford Book of Aphorisms (Oxford Books of Prose)
Oxford Book of Aphorisms (Oxford Books of Prose)

A bodacious bedtime book if ever there was one!

Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists
Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists

For those who need a daily fix of aphorisms -- this will fit the bill!

Ifferisms: An Anthology of Aphorisms That Begin with the Word "IF"
Ifferisms: An Anthology of Aphorisms That Begin with the Word "IF"

For those who want their aphorism with a dash of salt or a spoonful of sugar...this little gem will do the trick!


The author, an expatriot Aussie living in New York, has put together a collection of thoughtful, whimsical if not sometimes biting musings on urban life -- by reviving an old literary form, the aphorism.

Last Aphorisms
Last Aphorisms

Well, if you like a bit of mystery with your mirth and morning meal of aphorisms...this little black book is just what you need!


Funny Figures of Speech Feedback - Pray tell, what is your favorite funny aphorism? Don't be coy. Don't be shy. Let your mind wander...not that far...c'mon back

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    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago


    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      If you start punishing the truth, there will soon be no truth left to punish.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Don't fall in love it'll stick to your face.

    • filmic profile image

      filmic 6 years ago

      classic lens! funny stuff! And YOU truly are a master of the pun! Here's one of my own: "If you want to see a reduction in crime, stop making laws".

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      vavavoodoo 6 years ago

      A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

    • delia-delia profile image

      Delia 7 years ago

      There are so many, but picked one.

      There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity...

      Great lens, and funny! wish I had your command of the Language...lensrolled to my "apropos aphorisms" lens

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Confessing is playing Ding Dong Ditch at Godâs door.