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Welcome to Cowpoke Clowns & Comics
This light-hearted lens is devoted to that great American icon, the crazy cowpoke!
Frankly, anyone who can punch cows, bite dust, and kick cowpies for a living deserves to be honored.
So, Wild Bill Hiccup, whatcha waitin' for? Strap on yer yellow spandex chaps and pull on yer green gumboots with them sparkly spurs. Then mount yer super-duper swayback steed or that half-witted hobbyhorse of yers and let's have some fun ya silly son-of-a-gun!
Image Credit: flickr.com - Jeff Bucchino illustrator
PRICKLY PET PEEVE PETE SAYS...
"The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes, horseflies, and cowpies come close."
Illustration Credit: Bill Mayer at flickr.com
WHAT DO "PURPLE COWBOYS" AND "PURPLE STARS" HAVE IN COMMON?
Frankly, rather than creating a horrible mess that no one really wanted to clean up on a hellishly hot day, these two dashing daredevil dudes decided instead to retire to their favorite air-conditioned watering hole in the wall -- the one and only "Burp n' Slurp Bar" in beautiful downtown Cowabunga Corner, (where they could sit back, slack their thirst, and shoot the breeze as they pleased with a bottle of "Purple Cowboy" or a pint of "Buzzard Breath Ale").
So, here's a salute to the folks at Squidoo.com for tickling me pink with a "Purple Star Award" for this light-hearted lens, and to the makers of "Purple Cowboy", a lovely little libation that's guaranteed to remove all that dirt, dust and grime from my mouth and yours!
Bottoms up you boisterous broncobusters!
Giddyup you grape-loving gauchos!
And a timely toast to all you tippling top-hands who gave this lens your thumb up!
Never give this smokin' hot babe a bad time 'cause she's talented with her trigger-finger!
Image Credit: www.paulabecker.com/blog/images/annieo1_72
TAKE A TIP FROM LADIES WHO SHOOT THEIR LUNCH (IN THE LAND OF OZ) - Every big beast goes down better with a glass of Shiraz!
Image Credit: Ladies Who Shoot Their Lunch Shiraz 2008 (Australia) wine label - heraldsun.com.au/150652-shiraz
Cowpokes were always flexible, to the point of even developing a refined form of cussing to be used in polite circles. A flustered cowboy who wished to cut some high-falutin fellow down to size might call him "a rancid, left-handed, dad-gummed parallelogram".
Raunchy or redneck ranch lingo is part of the lore associated with the cowboy who might refer to a depressing day as, it was so dark the bats stayed home", or "it was so dry the range wouldn't graze a horny toad". Or, she looked at me like I was a blizzard in a fairy tale", (a term of endearment that left a lot to be desired), and of a cowboy colleague, "Curly had about as much hair as a Mexican dog, and they're fixed for hair 'bout like a sausage."
Some people wear their heart on their sleeve...
"I wear mine underneath my right pant leg, strapped to my cowboy boots!
Baxter Black is considered one of the best Catskills comedians with a rollicking repertoire of candid cowpoke commentary and pistol-packing poetry.
In "The Fall Run", a funny feedlot rider is hired on with a high-risk operator trying to beat the odds. And here's a sample of some poetry that may put a smile on your face...especially the description of his boss:
"He's been checked into a clinc where they put'im every year
To recover and rejuvinate and let his conscience clear.
Sort of Jiffy Lube for Managers who've lot their sense of place,
Where they get their eyes reglittered and their memory erased."
Illustration Credit: Chud Tsankov Illustrations at flickr.com
Look fella, this ain't no home on the range where the deer and the antelope play!
FRISKY FLICKS FOR FRISKY CRITTERS!
This spaghetti western will put a smile on your face!
What's not to like about a comical cardshark and ditzy dance hall gal with a heart of gold?
A Bob Hope classical comedy...if you love hussies, horses, and oodles of hornswaggling.
This frisky film is full of great lines and music by the likes of k.d. lang, Bonnie Raitt, and Tim McGraw.
COWGIRL CUPIE DOLL SAYS...
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back."
"You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped.(Character shows up best when tested.)"
"The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller."
BEWARE OF BULLS & BUCKAROOS
In this day and age of newfangled gadgets, gizmos and great technology...it's not's surprising that there have been a few changes to make it safer for corporate cowboys to deal with bulls in the board room and even the odd one or two in the china shop.
The safety-conscious cowboy today comes well equipped to handle any emergency including cowpie catastrophies!
MEET MYRTLE MINCEMEAT... - A.K.A. "Greta Gumslinger"
If you really want to know...she's the Road Kill Chef at the Giddy-Up-N-Go Restaurant in Cowpie Corner.
BOASTFUL BRONCO BUSTER
Spittin' and singin' come second nature to cowpunchers. Capella cowboy songs by Harry Jackson, reflect the rich language of cowpoke country and the life of boastful braggadoccio of the mirthful maverick.
"I was full growed with nine rows of jaw teeth and holes bored for more. There was spurs on my feet and rawhide quirt in my hair, and when they opens the chute, I come out a-riding a panther, and a-roping the long-horned whales. I rode everything with hair on it, and I've rode a few things that was too rough to grow any hair. I rode bull moose on the prod, the grizzlies and long bolts of lightning. Mountain lions are my playmates, and when I feels cold and lonesome, I sleeps in a den of rattlesnakes 'cause they make me nice and warm. To keep alive I eat sticks of dynamite and cactus."
Crazy cowpokes have a fondness for few words...but they pack a powerful punch when used on picayune pricks:
-- "If that son-of-a-bitch don't go to hell, there ain't no use in havin' one!"
-- "Some minds let more in than out."
-- "He's like the stuffed fish -- should'a kept his mouth shut!"
An Udderly Ridiculous Predicament
I don't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I didn't think it was this!
Image Credit: clipartof.com/cowboy
COOL COWBOY NAMES
So, if you need a nudge to come up with just the right one that fits your plucky personality, here are a few suggestions:
-- Annie-Choke-Thee, Bad Hair Bullrider, Betsy Bible-Thumper, Bartholemew Blazing Saddle, Betty Burp, Bob Boo Hoo, Blue Angel Bronco, Big Beans, Buckskin Barfly, Buzzard Breath, Cactus Calicoe, Cheeky Chaps, Cool Hand Spook, Custard Can't Cut-The-Mustard, Dang Fang, Duke of Drop-It!, Felicity Flim-Flam, Fanny Flutterblaster, Felix Fiddle-Faddle, Frank Fundusbreaker, Giddyup Galahad, Hank Horsefeathers, Honcho Pronto -- Hopalong Crassity -- Mr. Messup -- Mud-Duck Maverick, Ned-Not-So-Deadly -- Noisy Nellie -- Pete Purgative -- Pointblank Paul -- Plotcher Watcher -- Ponder Yonder -- Prince Harming -- Sam Saddle-Sore -- Susie Slider -- The Gaucho of Gusto -- The Yodelling Yokel -- Thunder-Blunder -- Hoot n' Toot -- Two Gun Twit -- Wild Bill Belcher -- Wild Bill Hiccup -- Wild Bill Whoop-de-Whoop
Illustration Credit: www.NateOwens.com
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?
I TRIED BEING RESPONSIBLE BUT I DIDN'T LIKE SHOOTING MYSELF IN THE FOOT.
Illustration Credit: drawgood at flickr.com
COMFY COWPOKE CORNERS
So, where would the belching bulldogger, cussing cowpuncher, or ribald rodeo rider feel really at home, in Conway, Arkansas?
Well, judging from the peculiar placenames to be found in America, perhaps these mirth-loving mavericks might find a pleasant place to plop down or whet their whisle in:
Muck City (Alabama) -- Cold Foot (Alaska) -- Boneyard (Arizona) -- Smackover (Arkansas), Rough & Ready (California), Tincup (Colorado), Moosup (Connecticut), Cocked Hat (Delaware), Yeehaw Junction (Florida), Butts (Georgia), Beer Bottle Crossing (Idaho), Big Foot Prairie or Kickapoo (Illinois), Gnaw Bone (Indiana), Manly (Iowa), Gas (Kansas), Bugtussle or Big Bone Lick (Kentucky), Tickfaw (Louisiana), Beans Corner Bingo (Maine), Cockeysville (Maryland), Belchertown or Cow Yard (Massachusetts), Bad Axe or Slapneck (Michigan), Sleepy Eye (Minnesota), Pocahontas or Possumneck (Mississippi), Tightwad (Missouri), Hungry Horse (Montana), Wahoo (Nebraska), Jackass Flats (Nevada), Bungy (New Hampshire), Colts Neck (New Jersey), Truth or Consequences (New Mexico), Horseheads (New York), Stiffknee Knob (North Carolina), Antler (North Dakota), Knockemstiff (Ohio), Slapout (Oklahoma), Wankers Corner (Oregon), Fearnot (Pennsylvania), Moosup Valley (Rhode Island), Sugar Tit (South Carolina), Porcupine (South Dakota), Bucksnort, Bugsuffle, Bugtussle (Tennessee), Cut-n-Shoot, Hoop & Holler, Gun Barrel City, Muleshoe, Pointblank (Texas), Dirty Devil River (Utah), Mosquitoville (Vermont), Lick Skillet (Virginia), Puyallup or Whiskey Dick Mountain (Washington), HooHoo (West Virginia), Big Flats or Spread Eagle (Wisconsin), Muddy Gap, Dry Fork, or Maggie's Nipples (Wyoming)
A handy-dandy salt and pepper shaker for a horseshoe household.
Let's face it, there's only one thing to keep the porcelain throne clean.
Rednecks and roustabouts will love this gift!
Now there's one dashing dude!
WIT & WISDOM FROM THE WATERING HOLE
So, it's not surprising there's a lot of wit and wisdom to be found in their favorite watering hole, provided one can keep a clear head while consuming those heady hops!
-- Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.
-- Don't judge people by their relatives.
-- Talk slowly, think quickly.
-- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
-- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
-- Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
-- Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
-- Always drink upstream from the herd.
-- Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.
Illustration Credit: Beer bandido, chauskoskis at flickr.com
IS COWLICK COUNTRY CALLING YOU?
"Cowlick, n. A tuft of hair which persists in lying the wrong way. In the case of a married man it usually points towards the side that his wife commonly walks on. (Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary")
Image Credit: Duane Bryers@flickr.com
Cowboy Cat Herders
THE SOLDERING IRON OF JUSTICE STORY - By Jack Handy
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Image Credit: email@example.com
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on? - So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket silly.
Image Credit: Cowboy six shooter illustration - shutterstock.com 74649796.jpg
CRAZY COWBOY COSTUMES
A truly amazing accessory for crazy cowpokes - be they male or female!
Nothing says "Ride'm cowboy" than this crazy costume!
The best darn Bull & BS costume going on the market!
Every cowgirl needs a tiara on her head!
For those who love to dig in their heels and say "yeehaw"!
Look dude, I may haul your sorry butt around in a sleigh one night a year... - But I refuse to have you strap a saddle on my back, dig your silver spurs into my
The Candy Cane Cowboy knew how tame a boisterous bull! - On the other hand, the Boisterous Bull knew how to toss this twit all the way back to the North Pole!!
Image Credit: LoopyLand illustration - clipartof.com/49996.jpg
HAVE A HO HO HO HALLOWEEN - But remember, being buried on the lone prairie ain't all that it's cracked up to be!
Image Credit: www.serratedsoul.com
Guess who brought bedbugs to the West?
Buffalo Bill Cootie
BUCKING BULL BOOKSHOP
It's time to saddle up for some ripsnorting rhymes!
Who says vets don't have a funnybone and see the world with fur-covered glasses?
For all those kick-butt, lick-spittin', culinary-lovin' cowboys!
There's a lot to be said for ridin' the range, knowing where to hang your hat, and never squatin' with yer spurs on!
Forget about Don Juan when a gal can enjoy the company of studs, steers, and stallions!