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Entertaining Excuses

Updated on January 3, 2013

Welcome to Entertaining Excuses and Absurd Apologies

This light-hearted lens is devoted to an amusing array of absurd apologies and entertaining excuses.

Need a jestful justification for why you're late for a very important date, why you can't come in to work today, or why you forgot someone's blinking birthday...then you've come to the right spot!

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

This Loopy Little Lens Wins A Purple Star! - A very big thank you to the folks from Squidoo!

The Queen of Quaffing agrees with Oscar Wilde, "Good taste is the excuse I've always given for leading such a bad life".

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Image Credit: sandymichelle@flickr.com

See Giant Squid Showcase (June 2010) for more details.

Wicked Work Excuses

Hello Mr. Grimbister...this is Ted Tweek speaking, I can't come to work today. You see there's this big pink dragon waving at me outside my window. And, Google says that droll-faced dragons usually have something other than aces up their their sleeves, and I haven't a clue how to play poker.

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Image Credit: Lyn Stone - lynstone-illustrator.blogspot.com/Alkanet

HILARIOUS HOLIDAY NEEDS A NEW HOME

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What do you mean there are too many mirthful malingerers in the workplace today?

Frankly, when one's inbox is running out of entertaining excuses to take a day off from putting one's nose to the grindstone, this is a crisis, (particularly for slackers, sluggards, and other sassy somebodies).

March is the merry month of madness and mayhem...oodles of time to take off and celebrate the following funny festivities.

March 16 -- St. Urho's Day (pronounced, "Errrrrr ho", the Finnish Saint of the Grasshopper...your favorite cocktail). It's nothing but an entertaining excuse to wave a pitchfork, dance the polka, consume way too much fish soup, and drink dribs and drabs of wine...said to be the saint's source of nourishment required to fight off these pesky little pests.

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar & Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

WACKY WORKPLACE EXCUSES - Why you won't be coming into work today.

Hi ... It's Dwayne (you know the daring digital dweeb in cubicle 412). Before you start smoking up a storm, I just wanted to say that the reason I won't be in today is:

1. I've been bitten all over by bed bugs and have a contagious fungal infection.

2. I promised on my pinky finger to my guinea pig that I would floss his teeth today.

3. I am participating in a very important dragon-breath contest to celebrate the Chinese New Year -- I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

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Image Credit: Ron Leishman - clipartof.com/1052924

10 TERRIFIC REASONS - Why I didn't do my homework

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Yup, we've all been there and done that.

What do you mean you never tried to fudge your way out of the proverbial question posed by a less than tongue-tied teacher, "So humor me, how come you didn't complete your homework assignment today?"

Let's here it for this very lovely list of light-hearted lame-duck excuses:

1. I didn't do my history project because I didn't feel it was appropriate to dwell on the past.

2. We had homework?

3. To tell you the truth, I just felt it wasn't challenging enough for a rocket scientist like me.

4. Our furnace broke which is why we had to burn it so we wouldn't freeze to death.

5. My lawyer told me that I'm not at liberty to reveal why.

6. It was totally destroyed in a freak accident involving a crumpet, an aardvark and a six-foot invisible white rabbit named Harvey (you really don't want to know the details).

7. Scientists have recently discovered that doing homework causes far too many synapses to fire all at once causing cognitive cataclysms, (in layman's terms, big brain damage).

8. I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload and decrease your quality time with your family.

9. My agent wouldn't allow me to publish it until the movie deal is signed, sealed and delivered.

10. A little green gremlin ate it for breakfast (and when I asked him why, he told me he got bored eating tasteless sugar-coated frosted flakes sprinkled with sucky-faced sun-dried grapes).

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Image Credit: Homework - idle teenager - www.paulabecker.com

You heard all the excuses in the book? - Well think again ...

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Image Credit: http://itmanagement.earthweb.com - 2010/07

LAME EXCUSES - And Little White Lies

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling

INSTANT INCANTATIONS - Apologies for every occasion.

I'm really, really, really sorry but ... (please select the most suitable sucky-faced statement)

1. Mercury was in retrograde which accounts for why I lost my way in the universe that fateful day.

2. It was my inner imp having a temper tantrum in a teapot, you know how it is on Mondays.

3. Unfortunately, the stars were crossed, a black cat jumped me, and I lost my lucky rabbit foot on my way to meet you.

4. I was having a bad hair day which is why I severed your locks and shaved your head.

5. My computer had a virus which left me with a severe bug in my tummy and a bad case of butterflies in the belfry.

And, if you need more instant incantations to win the hearts or minds of those whom you've offended, do feel free to tick off your favorite excuse from the amusing apology checklist available from the funny folks at Knock Knock Who's There, Inc.

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Image Credit: Knock Knock Who's There, Inc.

How to Express Regret in A Polite Manner - Advice From the Guru of Grovelling

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Expressing regret requires a good deal of artful aplomb together with oodles of humble pomp and flamboyant circumstance thrown in for good measure.

If one is going to grovel (minus any hint of grizzling or groaning), it's best to do so by bowing one's head, bending one's hips, and then allowing ones knees to flex ever so gracefully as one kisses the ground of the person that one has deeply offended.

It also helps to have a rather large piece of lagniappe to curry favor with the object of one's renewed affection (if one knows what's good for him).

Lastly, it might be advised to add a promissory note to one's basket of booty...something to the effect that one will wear one's "schmuck" button with a smile for at least the next 365 days.

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Image Credit: Leslie Brooke - www.fithfaith.com

WOULD YOU BUY THESE WORKPLACE EXCUSES?

"I can't come in to work today...I'm rearranging my sock drawer."

"I couldn't work this week because my workspace has bad feng shui."

-- Scott Adams' captions from Dilbert cartoon strips.

Wise Words of Wisdom - If a rolling stone gathers no moss ...

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A closed mouth gathers no feet (and thankfully, it doesn't catch any flies either).

AN ENTERTAINING EXCUSE - Might be just what you need to get yourself out of a pinch.

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar & Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

FANCIFUL FIBS ... - And other ridiculous reasons that make the world go round.

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The human species is the only animal known to tell a little white lie, a medium-sized mendacity, and a whale of a whopper when the occasion demands it.

Let's face it, who hasn't been absent when one should have been present at some very important event, missed a 'must-have' deadline, flunked an exam, slacked off at work, or consumed way too much junk food?

The best thing to do is focus on fudging the facts, hoodwinking head honchos, or better yet, simply hiding the truth from prying peepers.

Of course, when it comes to kids, that's a whole different ball-game. Frankly, what parent hasn't resorted to some pretty scary statements to make sure kids do as they are told by those who know better.

1. "Don't swallow that gum, it'll stay in your stomach for seven years." (That may not be sufficient to quell the curiosity of a kid who wants to know if eating slugs, snails, and puppy dogs tails will do the same thing.)

2. "You're too young to start drinking coffee - it will stunt your growth." (This might not be as convincing as it sounds especially if both parents are not members of the little people club.)

3. "Stop playing with that toad - you'll just get warts on your hand!" (This modicum of mendacity might work on a tiny tike, but it might be wiser to tell those pesky princesses that kissing frogs is a very weird way to find a prince.)

4. "Get down from there - you're going to fall and crack your head open!" (If that doesn't do the trick, all parents have to do is trot out that terrible tale about Humpty Dumpty...provided of course that one hasn't given birth to an ego-diven egg-head.)

5. "Make sure to clean behind your ears - if not, potatoes will start growing there!" (This might not work if your child has an inquisitive mind and asks why ghastly green grub like broccoli, brussel sprouts or spinach won't grow there instead?)

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Image Credit: Cover art and words, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies", by the late Edward Gorey

What all else fails, - Try the old Samurai Story to explain your absence.

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling

Boo Hoo Party Excuse

I would have been here on time but my broomstick got stuck in the blender while mixing some toadily awesome potions.

I'M SICKER THAN A DOG, - Okay, well maybe not a dog but ...

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Look, if you're going to play the "So Sorry, I'm Sick" card, the best idea is to KISS it (Keep It Short & Sick).

Warning: Bosses and supervisors won't be tickled pink with your fanciful food-poisoning fable or your tantalizing tummy tale of woe, (particularly if it's a Monday or Friday), so leave out all the colorful details. A curt courtesy is best, 25 words or less will do. And, whatever you do, let your boss know when you expect to return to your drone duties in Cubicle 42...just kidding.

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

INSTANT EXCUSE BALL
INSTANT EXCUSE BALL

For those who lack imagination in getting out of a pickle jar in one piece.

 
The Official BS Button
The Official BS Button

The perfect gift for anyone who has to put up with a lame excuse why the garbage cannot be taken out, dishes washed, or clothes picked up!

 

THE OOPS OCCASION - Sometimes things just happen, like aliens descending from left field to kidnap your mouse pad causing your regretable meltdown at work.

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So, it helps to have a ripsnorting repartee in your handbag or at least up your sleeve for those odd occasions when you need an entertaining explanation for your baffling behavior.

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

LITTLE WHITE LIE POLL

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Which ripsnorting romantic response would you use?

See results

Look kids, the reason why I couldn't deliver your presents this year was due to being unavoidably detained in a very tight spot. - Yes Virginia, ... it was sort

HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY

INSTANT EXCUSE BALL
INSTANT EXCUSE BALL

Recommended by Santa Claus -- after all he should know. He got the ball rolling with a little white lie told by parents about a white guy in red suit who knows who's been bad (a lump of coal will do thank you) who's been good (have you got your credit card handy?)

 

PRETTY PATHETIC REASONS FOR MISSING A DAY AT THE GRINDSTONE

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Human resource surveys show that 20 percent of employees show up late to work at least once a week. The other 80 per cent have their noses to the grindstone and probably haven't lived dangerously at least for one day. Perhaps they haven't come up with a strange or silly enough excuse to skip a shift at their favorite salt mine. Alternatively, maybe they haven't a hot clue how to spend their idle hours.

Towards this end, the folks from the "People Who Love People Department" are now able to share some of the most entertaining excuses for pulling a sick day

"My dog ate my alarm clock and cellphone; he was really hungry; now he's sick and I have to take him to the vet."

"I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."

"My deodorant froze."

"I got mugged and was tied to the ssteering wheel of the car."

"I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."

"My boyfriend's snake escaped from its cage and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."

"I wasn't thinking and accidentally went to my old job."

"I'm too fat to get into my work outfit."

"God didn't wake me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready.)

"I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."

"The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."

"I forgot I was getting married today."

"My cow bit me."

"My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our garden. His foot fell in and we can't get it out."

"I was walking down the street watching road works being done, fell in the hole and hurt myself."

"I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."

"My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in."

"While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog."

"Someone stole all my daffodils."

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Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar & Lisa Swerling - vimrod.com

Keep your words soft and tender because tomorrow you may have to eat them.

THE ENTERTAINING EXPLANATIONS BOOKSHELF

SpongeBob's Book of Excuses (SpongeBob SquarePants)
SpongeBob's Book of Excuses (SpongeBob SquarePants)

For those who need an intriguing, imaginative, or insane excuse or two up their sleeve.

 
The Complete Excuses Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Avoiding Blame and Shirking Responsibility for All Your Own Miserable Failings and Sloppy Mistakes
The Complete Excuses Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Avoiding Blame and Shirking Responsibility for All Your Own Miserable Failings and Sloppy Mistakes

Learn how to master the art of covering up your mistakes ...which reminds me where did I put my handy dandy decrepitation device!

 
The Little Book of Big Excuses: More Strategies and Techniques for Faking It
The Little Book of Big Excuses: More Strategies and Techniques for Faking It

A wonderfully witty way to get you off the hook and back into paddling about the great fish pond of life.

 
Excuses and Lies for All Occasions (Lines For All Occasions)
Excuses and Lies for All Occasions (Lines For All Occasions)

For those who think they've heard every little white lie and lame excuse in the book.

 
Once Upon a Cow: Eliminating Excuses and Settling for Nothing but Success
Once Upon a Cow: Eliminating Excuses and Settling for Nothing but Success

For those with bad habit of milking cows for all they're worth ...and never getting the darn milk in the bucket!

 

This is the place to leave your amusing advice on how to skirt around issues, get out of a pickle jar, or dodge a sticky wicket. By the way, what's the best use you've ever given for being late, missing a birthday, or not showing up for work?

Entertaining Excuses Guestbook

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    • profile image

      NYThroughTheLens 6 years ago

      Hah. Pardon me for going like-crazy but your lenses are epic.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Great stuff.

    • WindyWintersHubs profile image

      WindyWintersHubs 7 years ago from Vancouver Island, BC

      Congratulations on your Purple Star. Your lenses are very entertaining and too funny! Have a wonderful summer! :)

    • RhondaAlbom profile image

      Rhonda Albom 7 years ago from New Zealand

      Wonderfully funny list of entertaining excuses. I featured this lens today on facebook. See it at: Things Which Make Me Laugh

      Congrats on the purple star.