WELCOME TO THE GNOME ZONE
This light-hearted lens is devoted to naughty and nice gnomes not to mention gnomes that roam and those that stay at home.
In a world filled with big beasts and bothersome brutes, it's quite a relief to know that small species still have their place in the hearts and minds of merry men, witty women, and churlish children.
So without further ado, here's a tribute to peculiar pointy-hat people who come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
Image Credit: Gnome illustration - shutterstock.com/64923307
The chronologically-gifted, melanin-impoverished males of this merry-minded munchkin species often wear a red cap, a blue smock, green pants, deerskin boots, and a small tool belt around their waist. (In this manner, they can be easily distinguished from other boy bands such as Robin Hood and His Merry Men). On balmy summer nights, male gnomes often like to smoke their pipes and sit upon toadstools (as opposed to humans who prefer to place their posteriors on pincushions). So, it is advisable to leave toadstools where you find them, otherwise they can't do their marvellous male-bonding ritual. Trust me, you wouldn't want to deprive this good-natured grunt of failing to achieve his proficient puffing potential!
Female gnomes usually wear earthtone garments (to remind them of their rather raptorial role as cute carnivorous creatures, dustbuster divas, or domesticated incarceration survivors). Unfortunately, the brown hue of their togs means that they are occasionally mistaken for a mouthwatering meal (such as a mouse or other small forest animal by hunting owls). To overcome this obvious shortcoming in Darwin's theory of evolution or a clear mix-up in the gene pool run by mischievous male gnomes or power-hungry pucks from other planets, female gnomes often adorn themselves with blossoms or berry-bearing twigs on festive occasions, which is where they earned their rollicking reputation as posh party animals!
Does the "Roaming Gnome" suffer from cabin fever?
The Roaming Gnome knows where to find the merriest masseusses!
FIND A HOME FOR THE GNOMES
This peek-a-boo pixie needs a home, preferably one with a large garden, big trees and no dogs!
This fine wee fellow knows that a bird in the hand is worth more than two in the bush.
Gnomes Don't Drink & Drive. - But they love wine and whee parties!
ONLY THE GNOME KNOWS: Never put a carrot in front of a horse of a different sort
Not your average numbskull gnome, Nebuchadnezer ventured forth in the comfort to which he had become accustomed (on the back of a hapless hippogriff of a different sort). He soon realized however that maybe a carrot on the end of a stick would not inspire a good deal of giddy-up-and-go from his curious companion whom he hired to help him search for truth, justice and the American way or the treasure at the end of the rainbow (whichever came first).
Image Credit: Mark Vanolmen at flickr.com
GNOMES DON'T BURB OR BELCH!
Well-behaved gnomes do not belch, burp or barf after consuming a bottle of beer, nor do they let loose any Blue Angels in elevators (a smelly sport often engaged in by tranquil-challenged trolls with way too much time on their hands and few bridges to hide under).
GNOMEO & JULIET - A loopy love story full of boisterous buffoons and butt cracks!
All You Ever Wanted To Know Red and Blue Gnomes
Gnomes would never be caught dead with these dim-witted dwarves!
Just because gnomes are merry-minded munchkins doesn't mean they have a penchant for partying with dorks, dweebs or dim-witted dwarves, (all of whom appear to keep the company of freaky folks like the Princess of PMS and the Prince of Put-Up or Shut-Up).
A DITTY ABOUT DWARVES
Mithful Motto of Gnomes:
"There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity."
Guide From A Garden Guru:
Gnomes are very small creatures that live in garden holes. They have leathery skin and large bald heads. To de-gnome a garden, grab the gnome by the ankles, swing it around your head, and then toss it into your neighbor's yard. Hopefully it will transplant itself with ease, find new friends to frazzle, and stay out of your pristine pumpkin and petunia patch forever and ever, amen!
No dear, I don't do magic mushrooms!
I'm toadily okay with where I live...how about you!
"Gnomes live ten times faster than humans. They're harder to see than a high-speed mouse. That's one reason why most humans hardly ever see them. The other is that humans are very good at not seeing things they know aren't there. And, since sensible humans know that there are no such things as people four inches high, a gnome who doesn't want to be seen probably won't be seen." -- Terry Pratchett
If truth be told, no sightings or encounters with gnomes can be confirmed unless witnessed by two observers. This is the same criteria used by bird watchers. Naturally, this makes mapping their geographical range and their whereabouts extremely difficult since few have agreed to make themselves visible long enough to strap a Global Positioning System device to their legs. Frankly, not too many humans or "Big Birds" for that matter enjoy having a GPS device attached to their legs let alone tracked just to amuse the likes of some sees-all-knows-all scientists or a few feathered-friend watchers.
Image Credit: gnome illustration - www.blindkat.hegewisch.net.
How to use a gnome to stay home from work:
Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - lastlemon.com/4980a.gif
LITTLE GNOME FACTS
Here's a list of little-known facts about gnomes who roam and those with homes.
- Gnomes and children under five are banned from the Royal Horticulture Society Chelsea Flower Show in England (perhaps this is because they're considered pesky and precocious).
- Male gnomes can be easily identified by their red conical shaped caps (not to be mistaken for pointy-black hats worn by horrible hags at Halloween).
- Gnomes are very affectionate and sentimental. They often greet one another by rubbing their noses, (unlike humans who prefer shaking hands, "pressing the flesh", or "kissing babies", rituals commonly used by fawning politicians).
- Gnomes are sometimes placed in the rafters of barns to keep an eye on animals and feed stores (frankly. ever since Farmer Brown installed his new gnome surveillance system, the incidence of cows jumping over the moon has all but disappeared).
- Gnomes have a life expectancy of 400 years (and like humans, most have no pension plans).
- "Gnomes of Zurich" is a disparaging term for Swiss bankers who are famous for their secrecy in business dealings. (More recently the term the "Gnome Zone" has been expanded to include wealthy Wall Street financiers, Middle East money-market moguls, and many others who've amassed fortunes in the world of lucrative arms trading and illicit-drug distribution).
- In a 2008 "South Park" TV episode, lawn gnomes are portrayed not only as business savvy creatures but also as being responsible for the theft of underwear from unsuspecting citizens, (of course this only happens in America thank god).
- The little people are also found "Downunder". (The Gnomes Cricket Club of Australia is famous for encouraging its members to play the game while dressed like gnomes and consuming appropriate quantities of ale).
HAVE A HO HO HO HALLOWEEN
Listen up Sweet Cheeks, I'm in charge of the Gnome Zone not the zombies!
Image Credit: www.veer.com - 1313705_P
And now a word from the Cabin-Fever Cutie!
Some Gnomes Respond Well to R&R - In fact, they love to go with you on vacation!
No, not all gnomes like working in a cold winter workshop at the North Pole!
Some prefer surfing and a sip of their favorite fizzy drink.
Some gnomes prefer hanging around in a hammock.
Equal Opportunity Gnomes want you to buy them two one-way tickets to an island paradise with no bugs, snakes, or crabby neighbors.
Some gnomes are as happy as clams, but this one prefers to ride a turtle to give him his jollies for the day.
NEVER EVER MESS WITH ME ...
Image Credit: Bumper sticker courtesy of hogglewick.co.uk/2840
Seasons Greetings from the Roaming Gnome (who just waltzed off with your scrumptiously decorated tree when you weren't looking!)
Image Credit: Christmas gnome - jonathan-pitcher.blogspot.com 2009/09
Garden Gnome Name Poll
What would you name this garden gnome?
Gnomes & Tomes
A terrific tome to start your library on the little people.
For those who are bored with "Victoria's Secrets".
You'll never roam alone with this nice little tome!
A "must-have" merry-minded manuscript for nice gnomeophiles who've been very, very good this year!
A new book for those who adore naughty gnomes.