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Heffalump Headquarters

Updated on January 14, 2013

Welcome to Heffalump Headquarters

Here at Heffalump Headquarters, we pride ourselves in bringing you all you need to know about the world's most breathtakingly Perfectly Normal Beast (who has rarely if ever been seen by man let alone been captured by one).

The purpose of this lens is to acquaint readers with little known facts about these curious creatures, (who should not be confused with "wockets" who live in pockets, "yottles" who hide in bootles, or "Hortons" who hear whos). 

HEFFALUMPS - A BRIEF INTRODUCTION

To dispel the notion that a heffalump is a figment of one's imagination, we consulted a boffo blatherologist by the name of Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D., Professor of Piffle at the world-renowned "Creative Loafing Institute", Dean of Dweebs at the critically acclaimed "Lemming Institute of Leadership", and Adjunct Professor Emeritus of Arcane Anti-Matter at the "University of the Bleeding Obvious") to separate fact from fiction.

"A.A. Milne may have invented two nature-loving nincompoops named "Pooh" and "Piglet", (who set out on a brave adventure to trap a heffalump), but history revealed that no heffalumps were ever caught. Clearly the very best these two intrepid tikes could do was to go to sleep counting them.

The fact that "Piglet" and "Pooh" not to mention hordes heffalump hunters tromped far too long around Hundred Acre Wood, swamps, and landfills looking for these elusive, enigmatic animals without success, is no reason to suggest that heffalumps do not exist.

The Bible states that when Noah built an ark to escape from chaos, calamity and cosmic conflagration, he invited all manner of beasts both big and small to board two by two. I can assure you that he had oodles of room for a handful of heffalumps on this ship of lost souls and wet wunderkins.

Just because no one has ever seen a hefflump with the naked eye (or with a pair of rose colored glasses for that matter), does not mean that it is the creation of a very twisted mind.

Like rare sightings of the "White Buffalo" on the Great Plains of America during troubling times, a heaven-sent heffalump will surely emerge from its hidey hole and manifest itself to the right people at the right time.

Meanwhile, those with good hearts, a keen sense of humor, and an abiding faith in flights of fancy that also turn into reality, should keep their eyes peeled for a happy heffalump waving at them from behind a bush, a tall tree trunk, or perhaps a delightfully decorated mailbox."

__________

Image Credit: Illustration by Jack Davis - popandpolitics.com

Note 1: For more information about a heffalump (said to be an elephant-like animal), please consult A.A. Milne's fictional version.

Note: 2: For the Disney version, please see "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" and Heff a nice day!

Note 3: Heffalumps do not wear big letters on their chests like Superman.

HAVE YOU SEEN A HEFFALUMPUM? - Maybe these boisterous beasts in Hundred Acre Wood know:

Roo: 'Scuse me. What's a heffalump?

Rabbit, Tigger: What's a heffalump?

Rabbit: Hem hem.

[singing]

Rabbit: Everyone knows what a heffalump's like.

Tigger: It's gotta fiery eyes and a tail on its spike.

Or, if truth be told, maybe it's just a dorky-looking dragon in disguise!

____________

Image Credit: Bill Mayer at flickr.com

HOLY SMOKE IT'S A HEFFALUMP!

Have you seen a "heffalump"? How would I know one if I bumped into one? Where does it usually hang out? Does it like "comfort food"? Does it have any friends?

If you've pondered these pithy questions over the years and never found the answers, here are a few helpful hints about heffalumps.

Description: Heffalumps come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Guide books often describe them as elephant-shaped, but that fact has been disputed by scientists who can't get their act together long enough to give it a proper latin name let alone agree on whether it's technically a "beast of burden".

Further Details: Heffalumps are often feared by residents of "The 100 Acre Woods", (but not by handsome happy-hour heroes like Prince Valiant, the Knights of the Roundtable not to mention Robin Hood & His Merry Men, all of whom adore thundering about in the frightful forest slaying dragons, saving damsels in distress, and engaging in far too many male-bonding rituals involving large pitchers of ale, barbecued ribs, and humongous hangovers.)

Habitat/Address: 100 Acre Woods. Rarely seen by mortals but often mistaken by munchkins as mumbling monsters who lie in wait beneath their beds at night.

Best Friend: The Woozle.

Favorite Expression: "Heffa Nice Day!"

Favorite Thing to Do: Steal honey.

Favorite Food: Pooh Bear's Honey (no, that's not his sweetheart or honeybun).

Greatest Fear: Giant mice.

What Carly Simon Has To Say About Heffalumps:

THE HORRIBLY HAZARDOUS HEFFALUMPS! - LYRICS

Everyone knows what a Heffalump's like

It's got fiery eyes and a tail with a spike

With claws on it's paws

That are sharp as a tack

And wing-a-ma-things coming out of it's back

Excuse me,

What's a Heffalump?

Everyone knows what a Heffalump's like

It's got fiery eyes and a tail with a spike

With claws on it's paws

That are sharp as a tack

And wing-a-ma-things coming out of it's back

If truth be told, a heffalump is a shy sort of creature and not known to suffer fools gladly. Heffalumps have a happy disposition and more often than not laugh at the drop of a hat besides keeping their hidey holes neat as a pin, unlike their close cousins, "NowWhattian boghogs", who do a lot of griping, grunting and galumphing about while making a general mish mash of anything they touch. (Note: Unlike heffalumps, boghogs prefer creating a wretched mess and muddle of everything that happens in the universe, such as ensuring that it rained cats and dogs forever on the "Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor who tried to build spaceships that were powered by bad news").

For those who want "nothing but the facts ma'am", there's one pristine, pass-the-buck blogger in Mommyland who says that heffalumps are even known to pass wind occasionally.

WHO SAYS "HEFFA NICE DAY"?

"H" IS FOR HEFFALUMP

Have a heart, pet a heffalump today.

"H" is for "heffalump", and in case you haven't got a clue what it is, there are over 553,000 web pages devoted to it!

To narrow down just exactly what is a heffalump, let alone whether it's happy, here are a few hints:

-- It's the subject of a sideline adventure featuring another fine fantastical creature called a woozle, written by A.A. Milne called "Winnie the Pooh".

-- It's the star of a Disney production titled, "Pooh's Heffalump Movie".

-- It's the name of a co-operative pre-school.

-- It's a timely topic written about by Professor Peter Kilby entitled, "Hunting the Heffalump", followed by another munchkin mortarboard, David Burnett, who called his piece of puffery, "Hunting for Heffalumps - The Supply of Entrepreneurship and Development". E. Cools, and H. Van Den Broeck couldn't wait to dash another sequel about elusive entrepreneurs called "Hunting the Heffalump: Can Trait and Cognitive Characteristics Predict Entrepreneurial Orientation". And if that's not enough, we've even got Hunting the Knowledge 'Heffalump' by a consultant no less, Rod Dilnutt.

-- It's the name of a web design and print company called "Heffalump Design".

-- It's the name of an instrument located in a nuclear reactor building in the U.S. Met Lab (circa 1945).

-- If you want to know what to feed this crazy critter you can't see, the answer is "Rumpledoodles", (aka Heffalump Cookies silly!)

-- It's a crazy cartoon character appearing on the side of a kid's lunchbox carrying case.

-- It's something you can refer to when any other logical explanation won't suffice like, "If your daddy blows the family fortune on hunting a heffalump, you don't blame the heffalump for not existing, do you?"

__________

Image Credit: disney-clipart.com/Lumpy-Roo-Shower.jpg

NOTE: For those who have an appreciation of wit, wonk and maybe a warped mind or two, please consult this gem: "Pathology in the Hundred Acre Wood: a neurodevelopmental perspective on A.A. Milne".

HEFFALUMPS HAVE FRIENDS YOU KNOW.

Disney's Mini Bean Bag Heffalump #4 (8")
Disney's Mini Bean Bag Heffalump #4 (8")

Who says Heffalumps don't exist!

 
Disney Woozle #2 from Winnie the Pooh Bean Bag Plush 8 inches
Disney Woozle #2 from Winnie the Pooh Bean Bag Plush 8 inches

Woozles are not Heffalumps, but they're playful characters in a pinch.

 
Disney Bean Bag Plush Woozle #3 8" From Winnie the Pooh
Disney Bean Bag Plush Woozle #3 8" From Winnie the Pooh

If you can't find a Heffalump, maybe a green Woozle will do?

 

A HEFFALUMP HUNTER BEGINS HIS ADVENTURE - PART I

Here is a happy heffalump hunter starting out on a jocular journey to capture an unique ungulate never seen before, (which could pose a problem especially if one is not sure whether it's a friend or a foe).

Note the enthusiasm with which our hero maintains his balance on a rather fine steed whilst tooting his own horn, (a marvellous feat considering the fact that his only equestrian experience was on a merry-go-round hobby horse).

HAZARDS OF HEFFALUMP HUNTING - PART II

While heffalump hunting is oodles of fun and frolic most of the time, it can also be dangerous to one's health.

As is clearly shown in the image to the right, heffalump hidey holes can be a tad hazardous to the life of an unsuspecting happy-go-lucky heffalump hunter.

Life Lesson 42: Beware of things that go bump in the night.

OUR HERO ARRIVES IN HEAVEN - PART III

Well, as you've probably guessed from the previous snippet, our hero, (the happy heffalump hunter), suffered an untimely demise.

The only good thing that happened on an otherwise bleak beastly adventure was our hero's arrival in heaven. The bad news is, he was greeted by a dreadful-sounding marching band and its moth-eaten mascot, a distinctly hideous-looking heffalump named "Horace" (illustrated above).

HARK THE HERALD HEFFALUMP SINGS!

I want a heffalump for Christmas

Only a heffalump will do

Don't want no doll nor dinky Tinker Toy

I want a heffalump to play with and enjoy!

I want a heffalump for Christmas

I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?

He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue

Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.

I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs

Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes

To see a heffalump standing there

Instead of a witless woosie care bear!

I want a heffalump for Christmas

Only a heffalump will do!

No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses

I only like heffalumps

And heffalumps like me too.

Mom says the heffalump would eat me up,

But Teacher says heffalumps only drink from cups.

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage

I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.

I want a heffalump for Christmas

Only a heffalump will do

No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses

I only like heffalumps

And heffalumps like me too!

__________

Image: Courtesy of Martin Hsu on flickr.com

HEFFALUMP FRIENDSHIP SONG

WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HEFFALUMPS AND WOOZLES?

WHAT WAS A HEFFALUMP LIKE?

What was a Heffalump like?

Was it Fierce?

Did it come when you whistled?

And how did it come?

Was it Fond of Pigs at all?

If it was Fond of Pigs, would it make any difference what sort of Pig?

Supposing it was Fierce with Pigs, would it make any difference

if the Pig had a grandfather called TRESPASSERS WILLIAM?

_____________

From The House at Pooh Corner

The Pesky Pet Poll

Before hunting for heffalumps, one should overcome one's fear of hippopotomonstrosesquipedialians who are very clever if not cunning at convincing one to fish for the ever elusive red herring instead.

What is a hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian?

See results

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT HO...A HEFFALUMP TRAP!

So smartypants, you think you've seen a heffalump?

Can you be really sure what you saw?

Of course, you can, don't be silly!

"They're black, they're brown,

They're up, they're down!

They're in, they're out,

They're all about!

They're far, they're near,

They're gone, they're here!

They're quick, they're slick,

They're insincere!

Beware! Beware!

Be a very wary bear!

A heffalump or woozle

Is very confusil.

A heffalump or woozle's

Very sly.

And while we're on the topic of fanciful freaks of nature, what is a "heffalump trap" and can it be purchased at Wal*Mart?

Well, if you ask a wordsmith, he'll probably, rub his chin, scratch his head, and gaze into the wild blue yonder for a moment or two before telling you that it is a term in political journalism meaning a trap that is used to catch an opponent but ends up trapping the person who set the trap is more than likely just a dim-witted dunderhead.

But, if you ask a snickering Scotsman, he'll just roll his eyes every which way before indicating that a "heffalump" is an entertaining euphemism for a pleasantly plump person who hangs out with wicked woozles.

As for where you can purchase a handy-dandy heffalump trap? The short answer is, you can't because no one has figured out how to capture an invisible creature that adores honey.

__________

Image Credit: Illustration of heffalump trap in "Chess for Tigers" by Simon Webb at www.soapstonestudio.blogspot.com/.../quagmire.html

Poetry Source: Gary Baldy@flickr.com

BIZARRE BEAST POLL

_____________

Image Credit: "Woofer" Illustration by Joe Alterio@flickr.com

Is a heffalump a real animal?

See results

HAVE A HAPPY HEFFALUMP HOLIDAY!

HAVE A HAPPY HEFFALUMP HOLIDAY!
HAVE A HAPPY HEFFALUMP HOLIDAY!

All I want for Christmas is a HEFFALUMP

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is HEFFALUMP, (not a herd of them mind you...just one will do thank you very much).

Last year you brought me a hippopotamus, (which makes me think you can't spell or you've got a pretty poor sense of humor). Let's get one thing straight... all I'm asking for is one heffalump. So repeat after me, "Billy wants one, single, solitary heffalump for Christmas!"

And, if you recall the year before that, I found a white elephant wandering around in the living room on Christmas morning. Like what am I supposed to do with it? (You know I hate bread, circuses and clowns not to mention zoos!) So, how many times do I have to tell you, I want a HEFFALUMP and that's all there is to it!

Time to get with the program Santa or I'll be obliged to 1) call on the competition, "Satan & Friends", 2) dispense with the usual rum eggnog and big chocolate chip cookies, 3) tell all the kids in my neighborhood that you frigging don't exist!!!

So make my day and deliver the dandy dude to my doorstep on December 25th. That way we can continue this mutually-beneficial relationship and happiness can be restored to our household (once you also pick up all those supremely stupid gifts I never asked for including: 12 dreadful drummers drumming, 11 picayune pipers piping, 10 ludricrous lords a-leaping, 9 lippy ladies dancing, 8 merry-challenged maids a-milking, 7 sucky-faced swans a-swimming, 6 grubby geese a-laying, 5 fake golden rings, 4 cockamamie calling-birds, 3 frigging French hens, 2 tattle-taling turtle doves, and a promiscuous partridge in a pear tree!)

I hope you get my message loud and clear this year!!!

XOXO

Billy - a very happy-challenged camper!

PS - And you can forget about bringing along some cats and mice to play with him -- I'm allergic to them! All I want for Christmas is a HEFFALUMP!

__________

Image Credit: "Woofer" by Joe Alterio@flickr.com

HISTORY OF HEFFALUMPS AND OTHER IMPORTANT STUFF

Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie
Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie

For those who love things that go bump in the night!

 
Winnie Ille Pu (Latin Edition)
Winnie Ille Pu (Latin Edition)

Meet Heffalumpum (Heffalump), Ior (Eeyore), and Porcellus (Piglet)...a real treat for Latin-lovers!

 
Winnie the Pooh: Deluxe Edition
Winnie the Pooh: Deluxe Edition

This is the real deal -- for those who need heffalumps, piglets and poohs that are true!

 

Please feel free to leave your advice, comments, and observations about the existence of heffalumps or perhaps suggest some titillating techniques you think would work to coax them out of their hidey holes.

HEFFALUMP HUNTERS AND HO-HUMMING HAGIOGRAPHERS ONLY...

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    • jptanabe profile image

      Jennifer P Tanabe 6 years ago from Red Hook, NY

      Love this - great to be reminded about all things Heffalump. Blessed.

    • verymary profile image

      Mary 8 years ago from Chicago area

      Had not thought of Heffalumps for way too long...thanks for reminding me! 5*****

    • profile image

      Joan4 8 years ago

      I love Heffalumps! Fun happy lens!

    • TonyPayne profile image

      Tony Payne 8 years ago from Southampton, UK

      Great original lens, love it. 5*****. Favorited, Lensrolled to my Humor lenses, and a warm Welcome to the "Laugh Away" group.

    • monarch13 profile image

      monarch13 8 years ago

      Welcome to "Squidoo's Wild Animal Kingdom" 5 stars and featured!

    • Terry Boroff profile image

      Terry Boroff (flipflopnana) 8 years ago from FL

      What a cute fun lens, I had fun, thanks! 5*

    • profile image

      anonymous 9 years ago

      I think I'm much wiser for visiting this lens. This was fun...thanks headquarters! 5*'s on it!

      LOL! My security word to sign your guest book is 'pigwoof' What next?

    • profile image

      LeslieBrenner 9 years ago

      I'm so glad Heffalumps have a headquarters! It really is about time. 5 stars.

    • Kiwisoutback profile image

      Kiwisoutback 9 years ago from Massachusetts

      Great lens! I like it.

    • GoodInfo LM profile image

      GoodInfo LM 10 years ago

      Hmmm.... Maybe five stars will coax one out? Let's try...!

    • profile image

      bdkz 10 years ago

      Very cute lens!

    • Casey van B profile image

      Casey van B 10 years ago

      Absomarshly heffalumpalicious, m'friend! A big 5 star applause - and an invitation to join and grab an IMAD badge from I Make A Difference

    • profile image

      nemezide 10 years ago

      Cute! Add this to the group :)