Welcome to Hilarious History
This light-hearted lens is devoted to the funny side of history (otherwise known as a pretentious perspective on the past).
Who says "history is passÃ©"? Who wouldn't want to visit a large library full of dusty dissertations about daring or dastardly dudes who are deader than a doornail, not to mention peruse the pages of dog-eared documents about the occasional buxom babe bereft of life by a power-hungry pudgy prince?
Learning history is as easy as changing a few laugh lines. It might even tickle your funnybone or satisfy your insatiable appetite for a juicy story!
Image Credit: Caricatures by Charles Philipon
WHY STUDY HISTORY?
The long answer is that often power-hungry politicians need pandering public relations people plus a passel of paltering pundits (who for the most part reside in ivory towers). Their job is to tar and feather adversaries, to tantalize the troops with trumped up tales, and to create delightful diversions among the masses (as to who can make the biggest and best bread loaves and circuses).
Who did what to whom, where, when and why as well as how are really important things to know -- especially for homo sapiens who currently rule the roost (or the sandbox if you prefer).
Some historians spend their entire lives compiling and chronicling tempests in ancient teapots, while others have focused on who called the kettle black in the Dark Ages. Still others have used their considerable talent to come up with half-baked history filled with intriguing ingredients such as hilarious half-truths mixed with misguided meanderings.
All this makes for what one might call entertaining events (which have been peppered with a pinch of salt, not to mention oodles of pith and vinegar).
Image Credit: http://torontoist.com
DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY...
USE OF THE WORD *UCK IN HISTORY
--"Any *ucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
-- "Why? Because it's *ucking there that's why!" - Sir Edmund Hillary
-- "Where the *uck is all this water coming from?" - The Captain of the Titanic
-- "You want what on the *ucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
-- "How the *uck did you work that you out? - Pythagoras
-- "Heads are going to *ucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
-- "Scattered *ucking showers my ass." - Noah
Image Credit: Einstein caricature - email@example.com
Words by Lawrence Dorfman from "The Snark Handbook - Insult Edition - Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries, p. 74"
How the ancients got a good night's sleep
Illustration Credit: clipartof.com - Image #61530
The ancient Egyptians may have slept on pillows made of stone, but you can be darn sure that the Queen of the Nile never slept on a bed of nails!
BRITISH HISTORY BUFF BOOKSHELF
A great romp through ripsnorting English history.
For those who love a good story about those who fall from lofty pedestels and perches.
What's not to like about colorful characters who reflect humour, incompetence, bravery, apathy, sorrow, and lust; isn't that what life's all about?
Nothing but the "naked" truth or naughty narrative about some entertaining English heroes and heroines.
A thousand years of history all condensed into one pith and vinegar pocketbook that is sure to delight those who appreciate royal scandals and soap operas.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
1) The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 BC.
2) Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows as a mourning symbol when their cats died.
3) And, if that wasn't enough...most of them died before the age of thirty (maybe from an overdose of croc crap?)
WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO STUDY PAST POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE?
Where else would they keep all the dusty disserations and dog-eared documents about dead dames and dudes? Pray tell where else would you expect to find tomes of truthiness begging to be grabbed, leafed through, and devoured by either harmless history buffs or hapless homo sapiens cramming for a "who won what, where, when, why and how" exam.
Just like toilets, taverns, and tress salons, (many of which had restricted access on the basis of gender), what constituted a "history" was often confined to the patriarchal perspective on important stuff that befell beau-hunks and landed on lunkheads in the good old days.
History is herstory too! Today, those wishing to study "herstory" can now enjoy the point of view of babes who not only had to take a back-seat to the boys but also had to endure cockaludicrous comments plus the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune weilded by politically-incorrect princes, pontiffs, and professors in the past.
If truth be told, females the world over know where "The Fickle Finger of Fate" is pointing her pinky! Besides that, they also know that well-behaved women rarely make history!
Image Credit: ww.wvculture.org - image - textbookmoore
HILARIOUS HISTORY BOOKSHELF
A boisterous book about hilarity in history not to mention merriment and mythconceptions.
A "must have" books if you want to understand the idiocy and inanity that lies at the heart of America -- home of the brave and, apparently, the stupid and gullible
Tantalizing tidbits from the great scandals to be found in the home of the stars and stripes.
Who said plunging into history isn't fun?
Recommended by the Light-Literature Loo Society.
If you're so Goth, where were you when we sacked Rome?
So which parrot in history got the boot?
At Andrew Jackson's funeral in 1845, his pet parrot had to be removed because it was swearing.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT HISTORY? - Well, if you have to ask...here are a few good answers!
What is history but a fable agreed upon. -- Anonymous
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all: the conscientious historian will correct these defects. -- Herodotus
[Some historians hold that history] is just one damned thing after another. -- Arnold Toynbee
All the ancient histories, as one of our wits say, are just fables that have been agreed upon. -- Voltaire
History is merely gossip. -- Oscar Wilde
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience." -- George Bernard Shaw
The megalomaniac differs from the narcissist by the fact that he wishes to be powerful rather than charming, and seeks to be feared rather than loved. To this type belong many lunatics and most of the great men of history. -- Bertrand Russell
History supplies little beyond a list of those who have accommodated themselves with the property of others. -- Voltaire
You don't change the course of history by turning the faces of portraits to the wall. -- Jawaharlal Nehru
We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre. -- Dick Gregory
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." -- Sir Winston Churchill
The history of the world is the record of a man in quest of his daily bread and butter. -- Hendrik Wilhelm van Loon
History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there. -- George Santayana
History is filled with the sound of silken slippers going downstairs and wooden shoes coming up. -- Voltaire
It might be a good idea if the various countries of the world would occasionally swap history books, just to see what other people are doing with the same set of facts. -- Bill Vaughan
History - that little sewer where man loves to wallow. -- Francis Ponge
Most history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice. -- Will and Ariel Durant, Our Oriental Heritage
History is the short trudge from Adam to atom. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
History: An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
History: a collection of epitaphs. -- Elbert Hubbard
[W]hat mountains of dead ashes, wreck and burnt bones, does assiduous pedantry dig up from the past time and name it History. -- Thomas Carlyle
History, in general, only informs us what bad government is. -- Thomas Jefferson
History doesn't repeat itself - at best it sometimes rhymes. -- Mark Twain
I grew up in Europe, where history comes from. -- Eddie Izzard
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." -- H. G. Wells
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. -- Stephen Colbert
Image Credit: Daryl Cagle, MSNBC.com
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky."
-- Solomon Short --
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
Image Credit: Napoleon Bonaparte caricature - www.toonpool.com/user/3404/files/napoleon_827685
A QUIRKY QUEEN SPEAKS HER MIND - Queen Victoria was never at a loss for words!
Image Credit: Queen Victoria caricature - douceart.blogspot.com/2009/04/queen-victoria
George Carlin - A Slice of American History
The Amusing American History Bookshelf
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. -- Oscar Wilde
National parks and national heroes have a lot in common -- kids usually dislike having to study them or visit them, but this book might be just the thing to read on those long road trips.
This historical trivia about towns with odd names just might tickle your funnybone and help you learn a little history to boot!
A great way to glean all manner of intriguing information about American geography and history without boring anyone to death.
An artful if not amusing looking at world and American history from the point of view of humor.
The second volume of hilarious history makes it easier to remember the facts, especially when it's filled with funny pictures and witty words!
So Smarty Pants - What's the Shortest War in History?
"The shortest war on record, between Britain and Zanibar in 1896, lasted only 83 minutes.
WHAT IS A HISTORIAN? - Well, if you really must know...
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. -- H.L. Mencken
Historians are gossips who tease the dead. -- Voltaire
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. -- Leo Tolstoy
If an historian were to relate truthfully all the crimes, weaknesses and disorders of mankind, his readers would take his work for satire rather than for history. --Pierre Bayle, Historical and Critical Dictionary
Too many so-called historians are really 'hysterians'; their thinking is more visceral than cerebral. When their duties as citizens clash with their responsibilities as scholars, Clio frequently takes a back seat. -- Thomas A. Bailey
Image Credit: Ercan Baysal@flickr.com
Ripsnorting Reads Poll
Which Hilarious History Topic Would You Choose for This Month's Dine & Dialogue?
Bloopers & Blunders of World History - As told by students with a humorous sense of time & events!
Here are a number of amusing anecdotes or misguided musings about world history. Compiled by Richard Lederer, they represent a wide assortment of actual student bloopers and mistakes collected by teachers from final history exams or papers.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
* * *
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
* * *
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
* * *
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
* * *
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
* * *
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
* * *
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
* * *
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
From the Annals of Amusing Things That Happened Once Upon A Time - Better Known as "Historical Fiction"
"Napoleon's ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub."
Image Credit: Dennis Holmes Designs clipartof.com/65622
Quote Credit: Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest - 2011 winning contribution in the category of historical fiction.
POTTY PEOPLE POLL - C'mon I dare ya to answer a simple question...
If you could bring one of the following colorful characters back to life, who would it be?
HISTORY COMES IN HANDY HANDY AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR - Because only Santa Claus knows whether you've been good and deserve a gorgeous gift, or bad and get a large
Of course in the grand scheme of things, only Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates knows whether you deserve a spot in heaven -- so watch what you do and say while you're taking up time and space on planet Earth for pity's sake!
Image Credit: Santa list illustration - frmheadtotoe.com/naughtynicelist.png
"Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner."
-- Douglas Adams --