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Can humans hibernate?
Human hibernation: Dare to dream
Get out your favorite Snuggie, because it's going to be a long winter in bed.
Ever thought about gorging yourself during the late summer and early autumn months and then taking an extended nap? I believe that humans should hibernate to recharge the old battery and live a more productive life during the warmer months.
As we painfully live through another winter, take a brief moment to think about all the benefits of human hibernation. Quite a concept huh?
This movement needs support to be successful. Otherwise, I'll just come off as a lazy bum that wants to take an extended nap. It's important to society and the environment that this lens be shared with as many people as possible.
Now let's make like bears and hibernate!
Step 1: Get in hibernation shape
You bet your left nostril I'm going to biggee size those fries!
Similar to a bear, humans will need to put on a lot of extra weight to be able to survive over the next few months. This will not be so difficult for some of our more portly citizens, but the leaner population will need to buckle down and pig out.
Here are a few tips:
1: Funnel cakes are always a great idea- anytime
2: Mayonnaise is your friend- don't be stingy with the mayo
3: Fast food is also a fast way to generate some extra hibernating pounds
4: Exercise is not your friend- burning calories today could end up killing you around February
5: Drink like a fish; you'll have plenty of time to shake off that hangover
6: Get your 5 Deep Fried servings each day
Don't worry about bikini season. By my calculations, you should be quite slender when the birds come back north.
Step 2: Prepare your bed for hibernation
This is the time to dust off your adult footsie pajamas, clean that goose down comforter and put on the flannel sheets. Make sure you have some dark curtains and a wide assortment of pillows. I am partial to a sleeping cap, but that is totally your call. I would recommend two comforters if your significant other will be hibernating with you. It's a very long time to have to put up with someone else's dutch oven farts.
Let the debate begin
If it is possible, would you hibernate during the winter?
Step 3: Allow yourself to let go of the next few months
I can hear all of the Nervous Nellie's now:
"But Guy, what about my job, maintaining my home, the holidays and not being able to go sleigh riding with my snot nosed kids?"
Listen to me carefully. Life will go on without you performing your job, your house will most likely not fall down in a few months, the holidays are a MAJOR stress ball and your kids would rather be playing Wii instead of freezing their bums off.
Think about it people: No crazy travel schedules during the holidays, no last minute Christmas shopping, no job stress.
No driving in bad weather, shoveling snow or rushing to the grocery store like a fool for bread and milk at 12am.
If you're still looking for a reason, think about the environment.
If humans just shut down for a few months during the year, what impact would that have on the environment? No cars spreading pollution, no manufacturing plants pouring black smoke in the air and a much smaller electricity need.
It's early spring, you hear the birds chirping as you slowly open your eyes. You make a horrific discovery. You forgot to make arrangements for your goldfish and your fish tank has its share of "floaters". Now you have two problems: Some belly up fish to dispose of and an angry wife. So much for mating season, you think as you flush away your little friends.
You promise to think ahead before your next hibernation as you take the longest pee of your life. You splash some water on your face and cringe as you think about checking your work e-mail inbox.
In conclusion, hibernating is the best idea I have ever had.
Human hibernation links
The rest of the world may not give a rat's ass about your opinion, but I do. All comments are treated like gold.