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Can humans hibernate?

Updated on October 26, 2013

Human hibernation: Dare to dream

Get out your favorite Snuggie, because it's going to be a long winter in bed.

Ever thought about gorging yourself during the late summer and early autumn months and then taking an extended nap? I believe that humans should hibernate to recharge the old battery and live a more productive life during the warmer months.

As we painfully live through another winter, take a brief moment to think about all the benefits of human hibernation. Quite a concept huh?

This movement needs support to be successful. Otherwise, I'll just come off as a lazy bum that wants to take an extended nap. It's important to society and the environment that this lens be shared with as many people as possible.

Now let's make like bears and hibernate!

Step 1: Get in hibernation shape

You bet your left nostril I'm going to biggee size those fries!

Similar to a bear, humans will need to put on a lot of extra weight to be able to survive over the next few months. This will not be so difficult for some of our more portly citizens, but the leaner population will need to buckle down and pig out.

Here are a few tips:

1: Funnel cakes are always a great idea- anytime

2: Mayonnaise is your friend- don't be stingy with the mayo

3: Fast food is also a fast way to generate some extra hibernating pounds

4: Exercise is not your friend- burning calories today could end up killing you around February

5: Drink like a fish; you'll have plenty of time to shake off that hangover

6: Get your 5 Deep Fried servings each day

Don't worry about bikini season. By my calculations, you should be quite slender when the birds come back north.

Step 2: Prepare your bed for hibernation

This is the time to dust off your adult footsie pajamas, clean that goose down comforter and put on the flannel sheets. Make sure you have some dark curtains and a wide assortment of pillows. I am partial to a sleeping cap, but that is totally your call. I would recommend two comforters if your significant other will be hibernating with you. It's a very long time to have to put up with someone else's dutch oven farts.

Let the debate begin

If it is possible, would you hibernate during the winter?

Step 3: Allow yourself to let go of the next few months

I can hear all of the Nervous Nellie's now:

"But Guy, what about my job, maintaining my home, the holidays and not being able to go sleigh riding with my snot nosed kids?"

Listen to me carefully. Life will go on without you performing your job, your house will most likely not fall down in a few months, the holidays are a MAJOR stress ball and your kids would rather be playing Wii instead of freezing their bums off.

Think about it people: No crazy travel schedules during the holidays, no last minute Christmas shopping, no job stress.

No driving in bad weather, shoveling snow or rushing to the grocery store like a fool for bread and milk at 12am.

If you're still looking for a reason, think about the environment.

If humans just shut down for a few months during the year, what impact would that have on the environment? No cars spreading pollution, no manufacturing plants pouring black smoke in the air and a much smaller electricity need.

Waking Up

It's early spring, you hear the birds chirping as you slowly open your eyes. You make a horrific discovery. You forgot to make arrangements for your goldfish and your fish tank has its share of "floaters". Now you have two problems: Some belly up fish to dispose of and an angry wife. So much for mating season, you think as you flush away your little friends.

You promise to think ahead before your next hibernation as you take the longest pee of your life. You splash some water on your face and cringe as you think about checking your work e-mail inbox.

In conclusion, hibernating is the best idea I have ever had.

The rest of the world may not give a rat's ass about your opinion, but I do. All comments are treated like gold.

Hey Idiot! Leave me a comment

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    • iamraincrystal profile image

      Rosyel Sawali 5 years ago from Manila Philippines

      Love the idea! ^_^

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I used to "hibernate" for a month every 14 years, it was always the month of July, then I would rouse to the horrible month of August (getting ready for school).

    • Franksterk profile image

      Frankie Kangas 5 years ago from California

      I like what you eat to gain that needed weight for warmth, etc. Mayo is definitely on the top of my list along with chocolate. Bear hugs, Frankster

    • concept247 profile image

      concept247 5 years ago

      very funny lens

    • profile image

      JoshK47 5 years ago

      Definitely a very entertaining lens! Thanks for sharing! :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Can we think of sex while hybernating

    • thesuccess2 profile image

      thesuccess2 5 years ago

      Do we get to choose who we hibernate with?

    • profile image

      myamya 6 years ago

      amazing lens! thumbs up!

    • mary lighthouse15 profile image

      mary lighthouse15 6 years ago

      I would hibernate from work, but not from humanity...

    • Thrinsdream profile image

      Thrinsdream 6 years ago

      you are a genius with a fiendishly genius plan. I love the lens and don't have goldfish. Plus my teenage daughter seems to already getting the knack of this without even reading your infoTick Tick!

    • profile image

      KarenCookieJar 6 years ago

      You are on to something with this idea!

    • jadehorseshoe profile image

      jadehorseshoe 6 years ago

      Fun Read. Nice Lens.

    • awestricken1 profile image

      Ken Parker 6 years ago from Tacoma, Wa

      do you still earn a paycheck during this sleep cycle ?

    • profile image

      Go-Shopping 6 years ago

      Hibernation sounds like a very nice idea! Off to shovel snow :(

    • Commandrix profile image

      Heidi 6 years ago from Benson, IL

      Hibernating sounds like a good idea right about now. I would be very happy if I could move to a warm state.

    • LisaMarieGabriel profile image

      Lisa Marie Gabriel 6 years ago from United Kingdom

      What's winter? *yawn*

    • Tagsforkids profile image

      Tagsforkids 6 years ago

      I gotta admit, right about now hibernation sounds like a wonderful idea!

    • mattseefood lm profile image

      mattseefood lm 6 years ago

      Fun! Gotta try to hibernate next time :)

    • mythphile profile image

      Ellen Brundige 7 years ago from California

      My string broke.

    • profile image

      Positivevibestechnician 7 years ago

      i am from mn where the winters are long be nice to wake up i nthe spring

    • I-sparkle profile image

      I-sparkle 7 years ago

      Good lens. I thought that the subject was very unique.

    • polly72 lm profile image

      polly72 lm 7 years ago

      nice lens

    • stuhaynes lm profile image

      stuhaynes lm 7 years ago

      Tongue in cheek and funny. Liked it.

    • ChemKnitsBlog2 profile image

      ChemKnitsBlog2 7 years ago

      Yes, as we speak I am typing this comment in my sleep. Fun lens :)

    • sorana lm profile image

      sorana lm 7 years ago

      Interesting idea and funny too. Congrats on reaching level 32 ... I did it too. See you on level 33 :).

    • hotbrain profile image

      hotbrain 7 years ago from Tacoma, WA

      I love this funny lens! Blessed by a Squidoo angel. And I hope to send some anti-hibernation people your way from my lens on sleds for grown-ups.

    • GonnaFly profile image

      Jeanette 7 years ago from Australia

      Hey GuyB. You there? Is that you I can hear snoring? At least there is now an explanation for the mayonnaise shortage.

    • KarenHC profile image

      Karen 7 years ago from U.S.

      Well, you may not actually read this until you wake up in the spring...but I had a good laugh when I read this one! Usually by February I'm wondering what the heck am I doing living where I do.

    • ZablonMukuba profile image

      ZablonMukuba 7 years ago

      i have always wanted to sleep for a couple of months i wish i could hibernate

    • GuyB LM profile image

      GuyB LM 7 years ago

      @sheriangell: thanks

    • sheriangell profile image

      sheriangell 7 years ago

      Before you build your nest and hole up for the winter, I thought I'd stop by and drop off a little Angel blessing for you to sleep with.

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Hey, hibernation's the new 'ultimate beauty and health regime'.

    • profile image

      DanielleLynn 7 years ago

      I think I'm ready to get into hibernation shape. Excellent guide.

    • sheilamarie78 profile image

      sheilamarie78 7 years ago

      Good idea! I like your fun attitude.

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Just had to visits one of your lens the way you setted up the modules, give me a few things to think about! Keep up the great work!

    • hayleylou lm profile image

      hayleylou lm 7 years ago

      Good topic, well done, thumbs up :)

    • gan4boi profile image

      gan4boi 7 years ago

      I thought there is going to be 10 tips. This is a little too short, lol.

    • LisaMarieGabriel profile image

      Lisa Marie Gabriel 7 years ago from United Kingdom

      Love it! The environmental argument would have me convinced if i wasn't already hibernating :P Blessed today :)

    • LizMac60 profile image

      Liz Mackay 7 years ago from United Kingdom

      Great fun.

    • profile image

      the777group lm 7 years ago

      Another excellent addition Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      [Lensrolled to my Jokes Addict lens.]

    • FlynntheCat1 profile image

      FlynntheCat1 7 years ago

      It actually could be possible - it was covered as an aside in my ecophysiology classes. Firstly, that you can go into shutdown mode from cold water (or possibly just the pressure) hitting the back of your throat (anecdotal, but confirmed in fish). Secondly there's work being done on bears and pigs (tested on pigs cause they're of a size with and function closely to humans) to isolate the proteins involved in bear hibernation (which isn't actually real hibernating!) ... mostly wanted for emergencies and things, when someone is in a critical condition, or to keep organ transplants 'alive' longer.