Naughty-Sounding Words for Odd Occasions
WELCOME TO NAUGHTY-SOUNDING WORDS THAT REALLY AREN'T NAUGHTY
The English language is full of colorful words that may sound a bit suggestive, lewd, or maybe even rude, but in actual fact are really quite harmless.
This lighthearted lens is committed to preserving these promiscuous-sounding pieces of prose and using them on the odd occasion just for fun! Perhaps this treasury of titillation will whet your appetite for wantonly wayward if not wicked-sounding words!
PITHY & POTTY PICK OF THE MONTH!
A terrific treat for tongues on both sides of the pond (Brits & Yanks...and maybe even a few Canucks)!
THIS MONTH'S NAUGHTY-SOUNDING WORD: "PRICKLOUSE"
pricklouse, n. a tailor - so called in contempt, while princod n. is a pincushion, not to mention a plump man or woman.
Source: The Vulgar Tongue, Francis Grose.
TITILLATING TUMMY-TUCKING TIDBITS
Did you know that the Italians have over 500 different names of different kinds of macaroni not to mention oodles of things other than noodles, some of which when translated into English might sound distinctly unappetizing?
Let's see there's "strozzapreti" (tr. stangled priests), "vermicelli" (tr. little worms), or muscatel (tr. wine with flies in it).
And, while we're on the subject of gastronomical gigglges, let's not forget that funny food from the land of the red, white and blue...Britain.
While the names may sound a wee bit naughty, they're actually quite timid on the tummy:
-- Bangers & Mash: Two sausages plopped on a dollop of mashed potatoes covered with brown onion gravy.
-- Bubble & Squeak: a lovely little meal of left-overs; a traditional English dish made with the leftover vegetables from a roast dinner. The main ingredients are potato and cabbage, but carrots, peas, brussels sprouts, and other vegetables can also be used.
-- Faggots in Gravy: A faggot is a meatball. A traditional Midlands meal, it is made from meat off-cuts and offal, especially pork. This tasty and traditional meatball meal is made from pig's heart, liver and fatty belly meat or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes breadcrumbs. It is served with peas, mashed potatoes and brown gravy.
-- Pigs-In-A-Blanket: (also known as pigs in blankets, devils on horsebacks, wiener winks, worstjes in deeg, kilted sausages, wild willies found also in United States, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands, Japan, Russia, Canada, and the United States), a meal consisting of sausages wrapped in bacon, with or without a pastry shell.
-- Spotted Dick: a traditional English dessert . "Spotted" refers to the raisins and currants found in the dough and the word "dick" is a colloquial term meaning pudding. This is not a pudding for the faint-hearted or those on a diet. Made from suet, flour and dried fruit, it is high in calories and not advised for those with a faint heart or a squimish tummy. It's the perfect pudding for a treat on a cold winter's day, together with a shot of whisky.
-- Toad-In-The-Hole: a traditional English dish of sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with mashed potatoes and brown onion gravy.
SHE WONDERED IF WUZZLING WOULD LEAD TO WHOOPUB? (Image credit: firstname.lastname@example.org)
"A" IS FOR ASSUMPSIT
A is for ASSUMPSIT. C'mon now, do your really think it's just another way of saying "butt-crack"? Actually, it's an action for the recovery of damages by reason of the breach or non-performance of a simple contract, either expressed or implied, and whether made orally or in writing.
Example of use in a letter of complaint: "Unless I receive compensation forthwith for the loss of my expensive posh purple and neon green striped wig left behind in my scented blue suede duffle bag on a hatrack in the penthouse of the Colorado Belle Hotel & Casino following my puppet performance on April 1, 2008 (which by the way, you promised to return to me by courier), I shall be obliged to take assumpsit action immediately."
'B" IS FOR BUMBO
B is for BUMBO. No, it's not a naughty word for a "padded posterior"! It's a delicious punch made by combining rum, sugar, nutmeg, and water; a name borrowed from the Italian word that children use for drink.
Example of use at a "Christmas in July" party: "Forget the brewskie, I think I'll have a bumbo with my barbecued burger."
Image Credit: Liz Lomax at flickr.com
"C" IS FOR COCKAIGNE
C is for COCKAIGNE. Good gawd you're thinking, this must have something to do with roosters. Well, it might be if you live in a barnyard, but more likely it has everything to do with a 13th century French expression for an imaginary place of ease (no I'm not talking about the loo). This "land of plenty" is the equivalent of Big Rock Candy Mountain, Shangri-la, or Nirvana...where everything is hunky-dory, sweet, and utterly loverly!
Example of use while sitting on the knee of Santa Claus: "Look, all I want for Christmas is a one-way ticket to Cockaigne if that's not too much to ask!."
Image Credit: merwing little email@example.com
"D" IS FOR DOLLY VARDEN
D is for DOLLY VARDEN. Now you might be inclined to think it's a buzz word for a well-proportioned wench with great windpipes, but you'd be dead wrong! It's a large char or trout (Salvelinus malma) to be exact, that more often than not can be found having a 'whale of a time' in the streams of western North America and Japan.
Example of use as an ice-breaker: "My father always told me, 'Never fish off the corporate dock unless you have a taste for Dolly Varden'!"
"E" IS FOR EMBRACERY
E is for EMBRACERY.
No, it is not a euphemism for the home of naughty ladies from shady lane but rather a plural noun whose origin lies in the 15th century. It refers to an attempt to influence, or curry favor with a court, e.g. a judge or jury by corrupt means such as bribes, entreaties, promises, persuasions, or threats.
Example: Wild Bill Hiccup realized that his eagerness to embrace embracery meant that he might actually have to part with three bags of unmarked bills if he wanted to swing the jury and avoid spending the rest of his life in the hoosegow being henpecked by two vexatious varmints named "Thelma and Louise".
Image Credit: Chud Tsankov Illustrations on flickr.com
"F" IS FOR FUZZING
F is for FUZZING. No, it's not an impolite term for the police nor has it anything to do with making a cocktail with peach schnapps, vodka and orange juice. It is a verb meaning to shuffle a deck of cards with extreme care.
Example of use while playing a game of poker: "I have a fondness for fuzzing, what about you?"
Image Credit: Ron Leishman, illustrator, clipartof.com/443495
"G" IS FOR GLOP
G is for GLOP. Now you may be inclined to think that "glop" is something unappetizing that you leave behind on a plate, but not quite close enough to win the blue ribbon. Actually its an old English verb meaning to swallow greedily, to stare at in wonder or in alarm.
Example of use while window-shopping for beach attire: "Excuse me, can you tell me why all the mannequins in this mall have that glop look on their faces?"
Image Credit: Crawdad Jones at flickr.com
"H" IS FOR HUCKLE MY BUFF
H is for HUCKLE MY BUFF. Now there's a mirthful mouthful if ever there was one. It has nothing to do with a discrete invitation to attend a toga party but everything to do with a hot beer, egg, and brandy beverage.
Example of use while skating on thin ice with one's boss: "Believe me, another Huckle My Buff and you won't feel a thing!"
Image Credit: Duane Bryers at flick.com
"J" IS FOR JIPPO
J is for JIPPO. Now, you might be inclined to think that this was a less than flattering term for a cheater, a cheapskate, or a chump, but you would be mistaken. A "jippo" is a term meaning a lady's foundation garment (a stay), or a waistcoat.
For use on a blind date: "I find that my jippo comes in handy when I want to hide my love-handles or play twenty questions, so what have you got to say for yourself?"
"K" IS FOR KISSING CRUST
K is for KISSING CRUST. Some might suggest that this titillating term of endearment might be a polite euphemism for a "bun in the oven" or at the very least, a sizzling sexegenarian smooch.
Actually, "kissing crust" refers not to a pregnant or pleasingly plump piece of breathtaking batter, but rather to the part where loaves of bread atually touch in the oven.
"L" IS FOR LIGUSTRUM VULGARE
L is for LIGUSTRUM VULGARE. Perhaps you're thinking...this is a polite term for a "Latin lush"...close but no cigar! Actually, its the scientific name for a hardy bush called a "European Privet", (shame on you for thinking it's a euphemism for a continental can as the Americans might say, or a lovely little loo as the Brits might say).
Example of use during a lull in the conversation at a summer garden party: "Want to play hide and seek in the ligustrum vulgare?
"M" is for MUCKENDER
M is for MUCKENDER. Not an impolite reference to a "dirty rotten scoundrel", this winsome word has more in common with a bib or handkerchief (something which appears to be in rather short supply today at formal dinner parties).
Example of use when dining with celebrities or politicians:
"I'm rather glad I brought along my muckender to your dinner party -- to cope with those wretched frog legs, lobster tails and fruit flies."
"N" is for NUDE CONTRACT (NUDUM PACTUM)
N is for NUDE CONTRACT (NUDUM PACTUM). One might venture to suggest that it might a bottom line deal, a contract written in invisible ink, or the birthday suit clause in a legal agreement that conceals nothing but the naked truth.
The fact of the matter is that a "nudum pactum" is any verbal or written agreement that is non-binding and may be avoided, or an agreement that is not executed by one of the parties to it.
Example of use: "Would you like my John Henry on your Nudum Pactum?"
Speaking of "nudity", it seems that the financial world has an affinity for the "bare essentials". Another term of endearment seems to be the "naked writer" no not it's not literary Lady Godiva...it means "a seller of an option contract who does not own a position in the underlying security", which is why you might hear someone say, "I took a bath on that investment tip" (which is probably why it shrunk by getting him into hot water!)
"P" IS FOR PIS ALLER
P is for PIS ALLER. Now this might sound like a reference to a walk-in whizzer, better known as a urinal, but this would be just a tad off the mark. It is a 17th French noun meaning to "go worst" i.e. expedient, last resort; something done or accepted for lack of anything better; less desirable alternative.
Example of use during a Power Point corporate presentation: "I prefer to call it the "pis aller" option rather than proverbial Plan B!"
"Q" IS FOR QUEER BUNG
Q is for QUEER BUNG. Tsk, tsk, this has is not a politically-incorrect term for an exotic form of excrement! Rather, it's an 18th century term meaning an empty purse.
Example of use whilst standing in front of a grocery supermarket cashier (with a decidedly exasperated look on one's face): "Look, I know it's hard to believe this but ...I left home with a queer bung and no credit card ...so can I just take a rain-check on all this stuff?"
"S" IS FOR STINKING HELLEBORE
S is for STINKING HELLEBORE or SETTERWORT for short. Now one might be inclined to think that these wicked words are but an entertaining epithet referring to a pathetically putrid pest from perdition, but that might be a tad off the mark. This colorful combination of words has more in common with a perennial frost-resistant flowering plant found in Europe grown for decorative and medicinal purposes, and, on the odd occasion, it is employed by witches for who knows what.
Example of use while visiting a flower shop: "Do you have any "Venus Fly Trap" or Stinking Hellebore I can send to my Aunt Brunhilda in Pratts Bottom, Kent for her smelling cheat? [an 18th slang term for a garden]"
"T" IS FOR TITIVIL
T is for TITIVIL. No, it's not a euphemism for a lady's cleavage! Rather, this charming little word that rolls off the tip of the tongue is the name for the devil. More to the point, it is the mischiefmaker who steals words dropped during the recitation of a services so the name can be used later against the offender; a knave or a tattler.
Example of use during a communication skills workshop: "I found the Titival technique to be far more effective than Teflon to deflect unwarranted criticism."
Image Credit: firstname.lastname@example.org
"U" IS FOR UMBELLIFER
Uis for UMBELLIFER. If one were into wild guessing and thinking off the top of one's head, one might consider this word nothing but a naughty noun, (or pathetic pejorative referring to a clueless character with cleavage).
The truth of the matter is that this ten-lettered, four-syllabled word of modest means comes from the Latin, Umbelliferae, a plant of the carrot family.
Note: Umbellifier should be used sparingly during any conversation at garden parties so as not to offend the sensibilities of any cabbage-heads or couch potatoes present among the invited guests.
"V" IS FOR VIEW HALLOO
V is for VIEW HALLOO. An "Olde English" interjection, it is neither descriptive of a gust wind lifting the skirt of a young lady, nor is referring to the untimely breakage of a bra strap exposing the bosom of a female rock-star during a televised "Super Bowl" game. It is more likely to be a hunter's cry during a fox hunt to signal that the animal has been seen breaking cover.
Example of use while visiting a petting zoo on a blind date: "View Halloo ... by any chance are you "Foxy Lady" from the Furry Friends Internet Chat Room?"
Image Credit: shutterstock.com - image #15136036
"W" IS FOR WENIS
W is for WENIS, which is not a pejorative term for a politician with a pecker and penchant for peccadillos. It is the name for the patch of the rough skin on the outside of the elbow.
Example of use at an office party: "I'll show you my wenis, if you'll show me yours!"
Image Credit: muppet.wikia.com/JasperLostElbow
Wanton Wordbirds - Have you had enough of the "12 Days of Christmas" to last an entire lifetime? - Maybe a pear tree in a partridge will brighten your day.
Image Credit: Christmas laugh lines - nytimes.com - December 14, 2007
"X" IS FOR XYSTER
X is for XYSTER. Well, since "xyster" rhymes with "shyster", one might be inclined to think that this word is associated with red-necked renegades, ribald rogues, or ripsnorting reprobates.
However, this rather nice-sounding noun refers to a surgeon's instrument for scraping bones.
Example of use when describing one's amatory culinary adventure, "Let's put it this way; I may let him jump my bones in the kitchen, but I'll never let him near a toaster or a zyster!
"Y" IS FOR YULE-HOLE
Y is for YULE-HOLE. Before ladies blush and gentlemen smile, this is not a euphemism for a bit of ho-ho-ho in the hollyfuds with you know who.
Actually, it is a reference to the last hole to which a man could stretch his belt in order to accommodate an Xmas feast.
Note: This term should be used sparingly, so as not to scare off the four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree which will be served as the main course to guests on Christmas Day.
Image Credit: SpacePotato@flickr.com
"Z" IS FOR ZAMPONE
Z is for Zampone. A Zampone should not be confused with a similar sounding word, the "Zamboni", (a Canadian-invented, heavy piece of equipment used for cleaning the surface of ice used by skaters and curlers).
Zampone is stuffed pigs' trotter sausage.
Example of use when wooing a potential mate with one's gourmet grub: "Honeybun, I'm sure you can forget about your hockey-game for just one night ...because I've slaved all day long over a hot stove to cook you "Rice-A-Roni" and Zampone that's why!"
Image Credit: derekroczen.wordpress.com/sausage.jpg
PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING POLL
So smarty pants, what's a VIOLA D'AMORE?
WHOOPS & WHOOPY WORDS
For those who need to leave a lasting impression!
The cure for those with the nasty habit of putting a foot in their own or someone else's mouth.
For those who think Tenderfeet and Ladyfingers are a titillating toothy concoction of naughty notions.
For those who adore absurdity, wit, and wisdom...this book is sure to please!