The Great Big Quotations Page
Confession: I'm a Quotation Lover
Lots of Quotations. Have a browse! I'm one of those people who like quotations - preferably clever or wise or funny or all three. If anyone knows what a quotation collector is called please tell me - because that's what I am!
Here's a selection of my favourites 'top tens' in different categories. Don't read them all at once. They contain thousands of quotations, old and new, familiar and obscure, humorous and pompous, ironic and sometimes profound. This site is intended as a place for enjoyment, enlightenment, exploration and general reference. Dip in when you feel like it. Come back often. The page will constantly expand.
Quotes of the Day
Preparing my Tax Return is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher.
I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer.
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
~ Sir James Barrie
This may well change from time to time as I come across new 'must-have' quotes.
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
Pope John Paul I
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
Oscar Levant (again)
Here's a beautiful, and famous quotation from Alfred Hitchcock when he received his Lifetime Achievement award:
"I beg permission to mention by name only four people who have given me the most affection, appreciation, and encouragement, and constant collaboration. The first of the four is a film editor, the second is a scriptwriter, the third is the mother of my daughter Pat, and the fourth is as fine a cook as ever performed miracles in a domestic kitchen. And their names are Alma Reville."
(His wife's name was, you've guessed it, Alma Reville)
No, its not the lowest form of wit. Coming from wise heads its often the funniest form of wit. Here's ten of the best. :
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. "
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony. "
"If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer. "
"Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. "
W. C. Fields
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. "
"The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do."
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. "
"When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile. "
"Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. "
"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains."
The Irish Genius and Wit
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish poet and dramatist whose reputation rests on his comic masterpieces Lady Windermere's Fan(1892) and The Importance of Being Earnest (1895). Among Wilde's other best-known works are his only novel The Picture of Dorian Gray(1891) and his fairy tales especially "The Happy Prince."
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much
America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast
What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing
Work is the curse of the drinking classes
I can resist anything but temptation
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them
We can't do without it And many wise heads can't stop talking about it, I'm pleased to say. Here's ten of the best:
"Man is what he eats."
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' "
Jay Leno (1950 - )
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet. "
Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )
"Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. "
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. "
Calvin Trillin (1935 - )
"Food is our common ground, a universal experience. "
"Water is the most neglected nutrient in your diet but one of the most vital."
"Never eat more than you can lift. "
"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. "
Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)
"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. "
Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)
Crazy Quotes Number 1
He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
Monty Python, Life of Brian (1979)
Great Books - Great Humor!
Top Ten Movie Quotations
The AFI Top Ten - more from the list later
The American Film Institute Great movie quotes become part of our cultural vocabulary. In 2005 a jury of 1,500 film artists, critics and historians selected "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," spoken by Clark Gable in the celebrated Civil War epic, GONE WITH THE WIND as the most memorable movie quote of all time. Here is the complete top ten:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Rhett Butler (Clark Gable), Gone with the Wind
"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando), The Godfather (1972)
"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."
Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando), On the Waterfront (1954)
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland), The Wizard of Oz (1939)
"Here's looking at you, kid."
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), Casablanca (1942)
"Go ahead, make my day."
Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), Sudden Impact (1983)
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."
Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson), Sunset Boulevard (1950)
"May the Force be with you."
Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars (1977)
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
Margo Channing (Bette Davis), All About Eve (1950)
"You talkin' to me?"
Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), Taxi Driver (1976)
Do you like reading clever quotations?
The Best Hollywood Put Downs
Hollywood luminaries have a tendency to be saccharine sweet to each other, at least in public. It is reassuring to know that they do not always express such cloying sentiments in private.
On Julie Andrews:
Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine card - Christopher Plummer
Julie has lilacs for pubic hair - husband Blake Edwards
On Diana Barrymore:
Diana is a horse's arse, quite a pretty one, but still a horse's arse. - her father John Barrymore
On Warren Beatty:
He's been famous longer than he's been a person - Dustin Hoffman
He's in danger of waking up one morning in his own arms - Mamie Van Doren
On Ingrid Bergman:
Poor Ingrid-speaks five languages and can't act in any of them - Sir John Gielgud
On Marlon Brando:
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper - Rex Reed
Mr Mumbles - Frank Sinatra
On Yul Brynner:
One of the biggest shits I've ever come across in show business. He was just a pig. - Jeffrey Barnard
On Humphrey Bogart:
Bogey's a helluva nice guy until 11.30pm. After that he thinks he's Bogart. - Dave Chasen
On Richard Burton:
The rudest man I ever met, and unattractive-pockmarked as an Easter Island statue - Libby Purves
On Michael Caine:
An over-fat, flatulent 62 year old windbag, a master of inconsequnce now masquerading as guru, passing off his vast limitations as pious virtues - Richared Harris
On Maurice Chevalier:
a great artiste but a small human being - Josephine Baker
On Claudette Colbert:
An ugly shopgirl - Marlene Dietrich
Crazy Quotes Number 2
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944)
Always a good seller
A popular subject And one which gives rise to many wise and humorous quotations such as:
"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part."
Aimee Mullins, Oprah Magazine, May 2004
"Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it."
Anonymous, O Magazine, The Shy Girl's Guide to Sex, February 2003
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal (1947 - )
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns (1896 - 1996)
"Sexually,we are all competing for the same seat on the bus and the thing that holds it together is the tightly held conceit that we are all sexual gods. How can I believe in my own uniqueness when there's a cat out there exactly the same as me?"
Jeff Melvoin, Northern Exposure, Altered Egos, 1993
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
Joan Rivers (1935 - )
"In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact."
Marlene Dietrich (1901 - 1992)
"Does it really matter what these affectionate people do-- so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!"
Mrs. Patrick Campbell
"But seduction isn't making someone do what they don't want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already."
Waiter Rant, Waiter Rant weblog, 11-29-05
"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
Zsa Zsa Gabor (1919 - )
Click Here for the best of Classic Hollywood
The most famous American of his time
Ben Franklin(1706 - 1790) Born into the family of a Boston candle maker, Benjamin Franklin became the most famous American of his time. He helped found a new nation and defined the American character. Writer, inventor, diplomat, businessman, musician, scientist, humorist, civic leader, international celebrity . . . genius.
A good conscience is a continual Christmas.
A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.
All would live long, but none would be old.
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Energy and persistence conquer all things.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Crazy Quotes Number 3
Sign on a broken perfume bottle, "Out of odor".
Does it make the world go round? Or is it the root of all evil? Certainly it gives rise to some memorably funny quotes:
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around."
Christina Stead (1903 - 1983), House of All Nations (1938) "Credo"
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
e e cummings (1894 - 1962)
"Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have."
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. "
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
Jackie Mason (1934 - )
"No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather."
"Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears."
Robert W. Sarnoff
"Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy."
"The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last."
Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)
A Very Smart Business Woman
Pamela Anderson Pamela starred as C.J. Parker in the most widely syndicated show of all time, Baywatch. She went on to star in blockbuster movies -- and a world-famous home video tape. Pamela has graced the covers of hundreds of magazines and has gone through marriage, divorce, marriage, a custody battle, contracting Hepatitis C, and divorce -- and she still manages to work for charities for animal rights and AIDS. :
"You don't want to have to be the man and the woman in the relationship. I always say you want a man who can fix the toilet. "
"The bust of Colonel Sanders stands as a monument to cruelty and has no place in the Kentucky state Capitol. "
"Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things. "
"People who wear fur smell like a wet dog if they're in the rain. And they look fat and gross. "
"It's great being blonde - with such low expectations it's easy to impress. "
"In junior high a boy poured water down my shirt and yelled, "Now maybe they'll grow". "
"If people knew how KFC treats its chickens, they'd never eat another drumstick. "
"I laugh when I end up on the worst-dressed lists. I'm not trying to be fashionable. I know I'm kind of a cartoon character. Do people honestly think I'm wearing a kafkan in order to be fashionable?"
"I have this phobia: I don't like mirrors. And I don't watch myself on television. If anything comes on, I make them shut it off, or I leave the room. "
"And I'm not an actress. I don't think I am an actress. I think I've created a brand and a business"
Crazy Quotes Number 4
I like children. Properly cooked.
We couldn't possibly leave him out
The greatest dramatist of all The words of the Bard can be found everywhere! Famous Shakespearean quotations such as "I 'll not budge an inch", "We have seen better days" ,"A dish fit for the gods" are all used frequently and, almost as a parody, the expression it's "Greek to me" is often used to describe a frustrated student's view of Shakespeare's work! Politicians dig deep into their pool of William Shakespeare quotes and quotations such as "Fair Play", "Foregone Conclusion ", "One Fell Swoop", and "Into Thin Air ". Furthermore, other Shakespearean quotes such as "to thine own self be true" have become widely spoken pearls of wisdom. So quotes from Will Shakespeare have now become household words - and just to emphasise the point "household word" is also one of the Bard's 'anonymous' quotations!
There are many, many memorable quotations to choose from. Here's my personal Top Three (more later)- I don't expect you to agree!:
"To be or not to be, --that is the question:--
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?"
From Hamlet (III, i, 56-61)
Perhaps the most famous soliloquy in literature, these words reflect the state of desperation in which Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark, finds himself as he contemplates suicide.
"O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?"
From Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 33)
Juliet cries these words into the night, having just met and fallen in love with Romeo of the Montague family, sworn enemy of her own (Capulet) family.
""To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing." "
From Macbeth (V, v, 19)
Macbeth is on the castle walls, under siege by his enemies. A cry is heard from within the castle, and Macbeth learns that his wife has killed herself.
Crazy Quotes Number 5
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
The frustrating game No other sport,save cricket, has produced more memorable quotations. Here are a few:
"Golf is a good walk spoiled. "
"You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen. "
"Is my friend in the bunker or is the bastard on the green? "
"I look into their eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, 'I am going to bury you"
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."
"By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport."
"I've always made a total effort, even when the odds seemed entirely against me. I never quit trying; I never felt that I didn't have a chance to win. "
"Among golfers the putter is usually known as the payoff club and how right that is! Putting is in fact a game in itself. "
"I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. "
Joe E. Louis
"If I had my way, no man guilty of golf would be eligible to any office of trust under the United States. "
H. L. Mencken
Is the water on your farm healthy? Yes, we only have well water. Sorry!
"A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan. "
"A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. "
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "
"A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect. "
Charles Lamb, Last Essays of Elia, 1833
"A man who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket."
John Dennis, 1781
"A good pun is its own reword."
"In the pun, two strings of thought are tangled into one acoustic knot."
"The little green men told me it was the Dog Star. I told them they can't be Sirius."
JA - Houston
"Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. "
Dave Barry, Why Humor Is Funny
"The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability. "
Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia, 1849
All Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.