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10 Serious Reasons Why I Will Never Appear on Dancing With The Stars

Updated on July 9, 2017
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

Fred Astaire.
Fred Astaire. | Source
Yours Truly.
Yours Truly. | Source

What's the Difference

between the two men at the right? Easy. The guy on top is an icon of dancers (tap, soft shoe, Waltz, Tango), Fred Astaire, who starred in several films with his female counterpart, Ginger Rogers. The man below Astaire is yours truly. I am a man. I am not now or ever will be a dancer. I write hubs, build birdhouses, do a nominal amount of housework and have Bible study each morning with my wife, Pam, who by the by, is also not a dancer.

Honestly Speaking

I have never had the pleasure of watching ABC Television's Dancing With The Stars. Not that I hate dancing or dancers. And not that I hate ABC Television. It's not a hate thing. It's a personal view thing. And everyone (on and off HubPages), I am working diligently as possible to publish more online hubs and keep myself in the shadows.

Is everyone comfy? Have you got your snacks? Just checking. So with this very short introduction, I will give everyone who is reading this piece, 10 Serious Reasons Why I Will Never Appear on Dancing With The Stars.

NOTE: to ensure that you go away fulfilled with my dance-related story, I am providing a few good looking professional dancers so you can look at them just in case you do not enjoy this piece. Thank you. Kenneth.

(Newell Convers), 1882-1945     Early Ladies Home Journal covers.
(Newell Convers), 1882-1945 Early Ladies Home Journal covers. | Source
Dancing with the stars at  Mood Indigo'09
Dancing with the stars at Mood Indigo'09 | Source
Olympic champion gymnast Shawn Johnson won with dancing partner Mark Ballas.
Olympic champion gymnast Shawn Johnson won with dancing partner Mark Ballas. | Source
Kym Johnson, pretty professional dancer on Dancing With The Stars.
Kym Johnson, pretty professional dancer on Dancing With The Stars. | Source
Kim Fields and Von Miller pleases audiences on DWTS.
Kim Fields and Von Miller pleases audiences on DWTS. | Source
Dancing icon, Gregory Hines.
Dancing icon, Gregory Hines. | Source

10.) My Looks -- take a good, honest look (at photo to the right) and the truth will always shine brighter than any patronizing. My looks would count against me on Dancing With The Stars because as one example: Former Pittsburgh Steeler receiver, Hines Ward, was on Dancing With The Stars and of course, one of the pretty girl dancing girls danced with him and did rather well. But you know and I know that Ward, compared to me, well, there is no contest. Ward wins by looking better than myself hands down. Or should I say, feet down?

9.) My Accent -- I am a true, blue Southerner died in the wool citizen of Hamilton, Ala., the county seat of Marion County in Northwest Alabama. No, we in this corner of the U.S.A. are progressive, but not fully that politically correct. We all (including myself) say ain't, nope, gonna, and dang. So the first one of the grammatical errors that came out of my mouth, I would not be counted as a contestant on DWTS.

8.) My Weight -- is well, over-weight. No obese. Big difference. But I tell you this: I would not look good in any jump suit type of thing on this muscular body (see photo of Hines Ward) so I can tell you before time that I am not going to compete on this show wearing Liberty overalls (not that I'm ashamed) and tee-shirt. Oh, and with a straw hanging out of my mouth.

7.) Fear of Crowds -- with me it is known as Anxiety. This is where I feel crowded and trapped and I start breathing hard and sweating like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. So dealing with crowds is not for me in on ABC Television's hit show.

6.) My Lack of Education -- would not be in my favor. Especially since I am only a high school graduate. And that plus being from rural Alabama, and my accent, I would be easy prey for smart alec hosts on DWTS and the crowd would die laughing at how I talked or looked. So write this as a big minus in the Dancing With The Stars dream.

5.) My Finances -- are such that I would feel embarrassed to ask friends (even my friends on HubPages) for a loan just to get a plane ticket to fly to where Dancing With The Stars is filmed. Nope. I am not physically able to hitch hike either.

4.) Risky Dance Routines -- if, and this is a big "if," I were to accidentally make it on the competitions for this show, and some gorgeous girl dancer (was ordered by producers) were to want to dance with me, she would be one of these stylish, graceful and knows dancing from top to bottom. You think that a rural guy from northwest Alabama could learn her complex dancing routines?

3.) Coordination -- would not be in my favor. When I was a teenager and even in my early twenties, I, along with my buddies could play tag football like a professional. Not now. I am now 63 and with me having Fibromyalgia (diagosed in 2003), my coordination is all but shot.

2.) Fear -- would really roll on me like a steam roller building a new highway. I do not trust myself to the point of saying, sure that highly complex dance routine that this pretty girl dance partner put us to doing is right up my alley. The Bible says that "pride goeth before destruction," and I know that even with a little pride, my destiny would already be carved as a loser.

1.) Simply Put -- I do not know how to dance. I am talking at any time in my life. Even when our high school had our junior and senior proms, I knew that I would be a flop if I took a girl with me. My final dance-related fact: Have you ever watched on television or at the circus where there was this elephant named, "Chuck?" Well, "Chuck," was special. He was probably the best dancer of all the animals in the jungle and talk about grace! What are you talking about?

So long, Dancing With The Dreams. It was nice before it happened.

Kelly Monado and Hines Ward  DWTS.
Kelly Monado and Hines Ward DWTS. | Source

© 2017 Kenneth Avery


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    • Coffeequeeen profile image

      Louise Powles 11 days ago from Norfolk, England

      I wish I could dance. Unfortunately I have 2 left feet, but I'd love to be able to dance.

    • mireland19 profile image

      Meagan Ireland 11 days ago from Maine

      This is hilarious! Love it!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 11 days ago

      Dancing is overrated, but laughing is not. Thanks for the laughs!

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