Rude Things Not to Say During Christmas (Dinner or Otherwise)
Christmas is a time for families to gather together to celebrate the joy and spirit of the holiday. Sadly, such events can be immediately marred for eternity with the wrong words. Here are a few that you should avoid uttering lest you spend this holiday and all other holidays alone.
- Want a bone, grandma? - Unless you articulate your words very clearly, saying this phrase sounds a lot like you're asking your grandmother to have intercourse. Having pointed this out, there really is no reason that your grandmother would want a bone. Generally, old people don't like bones. They often choke on them and die. Unless the bone is shaped like a particularly interesting actress or FDR, just let this go.
- Fruit cakes make me vomit. At some point during Christmas, you are going to have to accept a fruit cake from somebody. In fact, you may get a fruit cake every Christmas from somebody. Just take it, smile, and then throw it onto the highway later when nobody is looking. It'll either get run over or smash through the windshield of some unsuspecting motorist and cause a pile-up. Look, I understand, most fruitcakes are disgusting, but that's no reason to offend the person who's giving it to you. They mean well. Remember, if you freeze a fruitcake, you can defrost it next Christmas and give it to somebody else or use it as a sled or defend yourself with it in the event of a break-in.
- Did you know Jesus wasn't born anywhere near Christmas? This is actually true. Jesus wasn't born on December 25. Unfortunately, this is one of those facts that nobody seems to care about. Furthermore, there's no real reason to start a political argument during Christmas unless you just got a whole bunch of really crappy presents from your religious inlaws and you just feel like pissing them off.
- Is there a return receipt with this? Nobody likes getting a really bad gift, but Christmas is a time to accept gifts with a smile. And generally-speaking, most stores will accept gifts back without a receipt for an exchange, so if you actually get a gift and, instead of saying thank you, reply with a question about a return receipt, you're really just giving the person the middle finger because the whole question is almost entirely unnecessary.
- That's the ugliest sweater I've ever seen. - For whatever reason, Christmas is the season of ugly sweaters. Actually, Christmas is really the season for people to wear clothing that is entirely inappropriate for any other time of year. That's why your uncle Charlie walks around in his candy cane boxer shorts and reindeer slippers. Somehow, you can get away with anything during Christmas. Commenting on how bad some of that attire is ruins a fundamental right of Christmas. It's kind of like telling a three-year-old that Santa Claus is fake. Let people delude themselves that they have Christmas style. There's no such thing.
- You suck, mommy. I asked for a better phone than this. Believe it or not, I think there are whole web sites devoted to the ungrateful things kids say when they don't get the presents that they want. Try not to be that spoiled brat because if you say anything remotely like this, you're a spoiled brat. Got a Motorola Razor instead of an Iphone? Shut the hell up and say thank you. Received a brand new Honda instead of the Acura that you wanted. Weep your tears of resentment alone you whiner.
- Church is boring. I'd rather sit at home and stick a fork in my eye. Not everyone who celebrates Christmas goes to church as the holiday has become commercialized to the point where its religiosity is somewhat moot. However, if you're one of those people whose family highly values the religious aspects of Christmas, you're going to need to suck it up and go to church and watch your mouth. Now is not the time to talk about how boring church is. If you want to come out as an athiest, better to do that at another time. Though, if you do come out in the middle of service, it will make the events more exciting.
- Santa is obese. With all the concern today over weight and the national problem with obesity, it would really be nice if somebody refashioned Santa as a buff, fitness dude. Let's face it, Santa should have had a massive heart attack by now. He's not a healthy guy and probably, when he's not delivering presents, he screams at his television set and throws empty beer cans at Mrs. Claus. However, let's remember that Santa is also supposedly the guy who brings us lots of free gifts. He's the gift horse. Let's let him slide on his potbelly.
- Daddy has been drinking since he woke up. Announcing your family's dysfunction to the world can usually be accomplished without any verbal output at all, so by the time you get to the stage where you're telling people that your father has been drinking since 6am and is drunk out of his mind, I can guarantee you that it's already quite obvious to them. I very much doubt that daddy's drinking is the only thing holding your family back from life as the Cleavers.
- Look at my haul, bitches. Christmas isn't a spectator sport or a competition. You're not trying to get more loot than your friends and while saying "look at my haul, bitches" is one way to rub somebody's nose in your fabulous Christmas gifts, there are many others. Flashing your various gift cards like a Chinese fan is one way. Bumping into people and saying things like "oh, that wasn't an erection, that was my new IPhone 5" is another.
- Did you include a return receipt with this? - When you request a return receipt, you're basically telling the gift giver that their present sucks. And usually, most stores will take back products without a receipt if they're a gift and give you an in-store credit, so it's not even necessary to embarrass somebody by asking them for a receipt.