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How to Ruin Easter Service With Words

Updated on August 9, 2020
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I have a BA in history and creative writing and an MA in history. I enjoy politics, movies, television, poker, video games, and trivia.

It's Not Okay to Say Certain Things

Easter is a beloved and special holiday for many. It is a time for Christians to gather and celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Non-Christians often enjoy the holiday too for its festive spirit. It is a time for children to color eggs and eat candy. It is a wonderful, joyful time that brings families together.

When you're gathering with friends and family for Easter service, make sure you're on your best behavior and avoid saying the wrong thing. Doing so can often ruin the holiday for everyone and potentially scar you for life.

Here's a list of things not to say during Easter Service.


Look at Father Smith's Groin

While it's possible that your priest just received something from UPS and has decided to bring it up to the dais with him and put it on top of his noggin, this still is a statement that's likely to turn heads - in the wrong way. If you're sincerely admiring the good Father's sexual prowess, this comment is best left in your own brain, though if Father Smith is sporting wood, you might want a way to get him a message. Similarly, "Look at the rack on Sister Harriet" is not something you want to say either.

Move Your Fat Head!

Many people who attend Easter service have fat heads, really fat heads. Again, there is a giant wall sticker called a "fathead" and I'm not talking about those. I suppose it's possible that somebody makes a Jesus fathead and that somebody might bring it to Easter service and block your view in which case "move your fathead" is an okay thing to say. Just do it quietly. I'm referring mostly to churchgoers with really large skulls whose giant head keeps you from seeing things you want to see. Blurting out "move your fat head" is not likely to make you any friends. A tap on the shoulder followed by a whispered request like "could you please alter the the orbit of that planet-sized thing on your shoulders" would probably be a better approach.

If This Pew Had a Hole, I'd Drop a Load Right Here

One of the negatives about attending Easter service is that it can be long and sometimes the need to go to the bathroom can be unavoidable. However, relaying your need to drop a deuce out loud is probably best avoided. This is why it is highly recommended to make a trip to the bathroom before Easter Service begins. Similarly inappropriate statements are "Fu**! I'm clinching my sphincter like a motherfu****!" and "I've got a turtlehead!"

Stop Touching My Junk!

I could make an easy joke here about priests, but I won't. If you're sitting listening to the service and somebody is actually fondling your junk without your consent, then you need to punch them in the face. If somebody is touching your junk with your consent and you suddenly want them to stop, then you should find another way to convey this information to the person. Also, this is a naughty thing to be doing in the middle of Easter service and ill-advised.

We Want Jesus! We Want Jesus!

Chanting during Easter service for Jesus like you would for KISS, during the the warm-up act, is inappropriate.

This is the Sermon That Killed Jesus

Indeed, Easter service is early in the morning, unnecessarily long, and usually terribly boring. Try not to editorialize out loud during the actual service. People won't appreciate it. And jokes about Jesus generally don't go over very well with any Christians, especially large groups of them gathered in celebration of the very person you're joking about. This might get you a beatdown.

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Easter service is not a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, though sometimes birds do fly into church, in which case it's fine to just wait until service is over before announcing the bird's presence.

Crucifixion Rocks!

Jesus died for your sins. Try not to turn his death into a joke. Sure, you're basically attending Easter service due to the crucifixion, but you're not there to celebrate the crucifixion itself. And technically, there's nothing that rocks about crucifixion unless it includes a stoning.

Did She Buy That Dress Off a Crack Whore?

The fact of the matter is that many folks who attend Easter service are badly dressed. But really, where can you go these days where most people aren't badly dressed? It's hard to say whether the number of badly dressed people is abnormally high at Easter service versus other events. Sure, there does seem to be a high incidence of people wearing pink incorrectly, but it's just one day. And also, crack whores are people too.

I've Got a Boner!

Odds are pretty good that nobody in church is interested in your erection. Actually announcing that you're sporting wood is not likely to be received positively during Easter service. If you've got a boner, it's best to just wait until it goes away. If it doesn't go away, maybe you're just turned on by Easter, which is okay as long as it's non-sexual. If your boner is sexual, the result of maybe staring at somebody, try placing your bible over your genital region. It will serve the dual purpose of hiding your boner and possible shrinking it at the same time. Piling bibles on your genital region until the pain shrinks the erection is preferable to announcing it out loud.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Allen Donald


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