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10 Things Not to Say During Thanksgiving Dinner
Is Thanksgiving your favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving is a time for families to gather and celebrate all that is good about life.
Thanksgiving day usually culminates in Thanksgiving dinner full of turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie and all manner of food guaranteed to leave participants drunk on their fullness.
This allows families, who may not always join together for meals, a time to gather and eat and celebrate all the wonderful things that they have. It gives them a chance to catch up and engage in meaningful conversation.
Thanksgiving dinner is not easily ruined, unless you find a way to work one of the following phrases into your conversation. These nuggets may be useful to help you leave dinner early or a warning sign of an event about to go precariously downhill.
- "This food would have wiped out the Indians." - Okay, first of all, it's "Native Americans". If you aren't aware that the term "Indians" is politically incorrect and just plain rude then apparently you've been living in a bomb shelter for the last thirty years. So, this particular utterance is twice as bad if you have a really liberal cook. Generally though, it's just kind of bad to insult your host like that, even if the food really is bad. If it's that bad, find a reason not to eat or drop the food on the floor and let the dog snarf it up. Usually during a meal the size of Thanksgiving, there's at least one dish that's decent, so maybe go for that one. If this is a ritualistic thing where one of your relatives always cooks the whole thing and you all are getting tired of it, maybe suggest that each of you bring a dish so that you don't have to suffer through the terror.
- "Is Grandma still breathing?" - Grandma is probably resting. Just tell yourself that before you go alarming everyone. The reasons for not saying this one are twofold: first, if Grandma is breathing and you can't tell, then you're being really insensitive to old people. If Grandma really isn't breathing, then for God's sake, do something! The Heimlich! Call 911! You know, take action. You could be wasting the precious seconds that might be needed to save Grandma's life asking stupid questions.
- "Turkey gives me gas." - I suppose you can get away with this one if you're being offered turkey and that's your way of refusing. However, if you've been stuffing your face all night with the bird meat and suddenly this is your method of making conversation, you need to learn to keep your big mouth shut. Nobody likes to stuff themselves full of food all night only to end it with you announcing that you've been soiling the air with your butt horn.
- "Uncle Harold smells like ass." - I think it's fair to say that most old people smell. A lot of them smell like ass, dirty ass. They either wear too much perfume or they forget to bathe or they've lost control of their bowels and that's why they wear adult diapers. Get over it. Change seats. Put tissue up your nose. Drink heavily before dinner.
- "The baby just ate a turkey bone." - The first thing I'm going to do as a parent is get that turkey bone out of my child's mouth/throat, then I'm going to stare at you and wonder what in the world you were thinking watching the baby eat the turkey bone and then announcing that the baby ate the turkey bone. Everyone is going to think you're pretty stupid and careless after this one.
- "Pass me a vomit bag." - You've heard of a bathroom, right? This isn't an airplane. And if you have time to ask for a vomit bag, you have time to run to the bathroom.
- "That's not stuffing." - Well, then what the hell is it, genius? And are you saying this before or after somebody put it in their mouth. You know, the thing that looks the most like stuffing is dog food. Are you saying the stuffing is really dog food? Just shut up. If it tastes reasonably good, it's stuffing.
- "I think there's something alive inside this turkey." - Why are you looking inside the turkey in the first place? You know, if you go poking around inside a turkey, you are just asking for trouble, particularly if you don't trust the cook. However, if you've consumed some of the turkey and others have consumed some of the turkey and you're just noticing this, be prepared for mass vomiting.
- "I'd like to give thanks to my cousin Ellie for the genital warts." - There are all kinds of things you can announce at Thanksgiving dinner, but telling everyone that you've been sleeping with your cousin and that you have a venereal disease as a result of that is something best left for Facebook or church.
- "Fu** you, Jesus." - If you're having a particularly bad year and you want to let Jesus know, tell him in private. Thanksgiving is a time for thanks, not complaints. Christmas is right around the corner if you want to complain.
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