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How To Get Rid Of An Unwanted Pet Dog

Updated on May 12, 2014

10 Ways To Get Rid Of An Unwanted Pet

Sometimes in life you just have to own up to making a mistake. Like when you bought that brand new car and realized a few months later that the monthly payments coupled with the rising cost of gas were putting you in the poorhouse. At some point you need to admit your bad decision and cut your losses, perhaps trading in your rig for something cheaper or selling it altogether. Pet ownership can be a decision you end up regretting as well due to the fact that there are many situations where owning a pet is an inconvenience. Perhaps your job requires you to travel more giving making it harder to care for Scruffy. You may need to move but the housing market frowns on pets. Maybe your girlfriend is a snaggletooth ho and you want to get the hell out of your relationship because you might kill her if you don't. In any case, if you have a pet and need to get rid of it I'm here to help.

I've compiled 10 sure fire ways to get rid of a pet dog. If you need to get rid of a pet cat check this out...

No need to worry about filling out SPCA questionnaires or putting an ad on Craigslist in hopes that some pet lover will step forward to save the day. My methods are 100% guaranteed and will cost you almost nothing, save a few tears while you say you're last goodbyes setting little Fluffy, Rex, or Biscuit away.

Must Do's

  • 1. Open The Door: The most popular method of getting rid of an unwanted pet is opening the front door or yard gate at home. The call of the wild will be too much for your pet to resist and they will chase freedom like Hillary Clinton chases false hope. If you live on a busy street you may want to give your pet a fighting chance so perhaps a neighbor's house would be a better place to create separation. And don't forget to remove any identification. Obviously, you're not trying to get it back.
  • 2. Take Them To The 3rd World Part Of Town: In most cities there are areas where foreigners live. As the American diet and level of income necessary to eat off Safeway's shelves are not yet accessible, a pet is a welcomed old school snack. Best part about this option is that there will be no evidence left as the circle of life is completed.

More Options

  • 3. Drop Them Off At The Park: It's a fact that kids love pets. Where are kids especially that it's summer time? The park. So take your pet to the park and let them go. Some kid will find your pet and take it home and of course no parent can say no to a kid can who can beg for hours on end. Why not let those little snotty nosed brats do the dirty work for you?

•4. Have A Party: Some pets love beer. Throw a kegger and let the good times roll if your animal is one of these booze hounds. If they OD from Pabst or grab your keys and crash your car like Toonces the Driving Cat then so be it. It was their decision to get wasted, right?

•5. If You're Pet Is Cute Enough, Find A Celebrity Or A Bum: Let's face it, folks who make their living off people in the streets need all the help they can get. Paris Hilton pimps her little pooch for a few extra paparazzi flashes in her direction. Something about having a cute pet makes everyone more attractive. Even the homeless hippy kids in the Haight have dogs and I'm sure the only the way they avoid eating their own feces is by ho-ing out their mutts for Cha Cha Cha's leftovers.

Kind Of A Reach But Give It A Try

•6. Be A Victim Of A Natural Disaster: When Hurricane Katrina went down and thousands of pets had to be left behind as their owners barely escaped with their own lives, an army of volunteers came from all over the country to rescue stray pets from the perilous flood waters. The best thing about natural disasters is that society's rules go out the window so if even if you forget to take your pet's ID off prior to saving your own scrawny behind rescuers will make one half ass attempt at reconciling you with your pet and then quickly give up choosing to assume ownership instead.

•7. Fake An Allergy: Allergies are life savers sometimes because they are your body's way of telling you to get out of an uncomfortable situation. If you develop an allergy to your pet one day, even if you have been symptomless for years, people will help you get rid of your pet because they know if they don't you can get seriously ill. Eye drops, make-up, and hot sauce are all tools to fake a nasty allergic reaction to your pet.

•8. Enter A Pet Race: If a thoroughbred injures itself during a race they off the poor bastard and send it to the glue factory. Of course if it wins, the horse goes on to glory and breeds with prime mates to carry on the champion's legacy. Not sure if all pet competitions are the same but with risk there is reward. Maybe the Westminster Dog Show will be your out clause.

•9. Wrestle An Alligator: Pets can be very protective of their owners. My coworker Cal loves to tell the story about a pooch who saved his drowning master in Florida but was unable to escape the clutches of an oncoming alligator. Perhaps your pet will trade its life for yours if you too are confronted by a man eating lizard with razor sharp teeth and a penchant for Scooby snacks.

•10. Donate To Science: Monkeys use to be all the rage in medical testing, but I guess it turns out that our primitive ancestors are too well loved by fans of "Every Which Way But Loose" to allow contracts renewal. Who else will test amazing products like pepper spray, Viagra, and microwaveable egg rolls? Your pet! Not only will you receive a stipend for signing over Princess's life you'll have the comfort of knowing your former best friends works 12 hour days ensuring the safety of disposable products. Sweet!

Note: This Blog Is Not To Be Taken Seriously! As Bob Barker from The Price Is Right would say... "Have your pets spayed or neutered today."


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