Worst Songs of All Time
Let the misery begin!
Author's pledge: I promise that one day I'll get around to writing hilarious little blurbs about all the anguish these songs have caused the American people and me in particular as a DJ. I am choosing for now to focus on more positive subjects.
Leave your hilarious blurbs below.
1. Play That Funky Music - Wild Cherry If you are a white person and you enjoy 'dancing and singing and moving to the groovin' , then you are actively participating in your own degradation. Period. If this was a black group singing about a funky white boy they know, fine. These guys are white and lame but trying to sing about their own funkiness and that is a new definition of pathetic. When black people see whites dancing to this song in public, they must be laughing their asses off inside. This song, if anything, promotes the stereotype that white people can't be funky. I am white and I am funky and I am offended. When some guest at a wedding asks me to play it, they don't have any idea that they are asking me to sell my soul for a three minute dance. There's a reason why most groups are one-hit wonders. They suck. I wouldn't even categorize this as a funk record.
2. Old Time Rock-n-Roll - Bob Seger So music that isn't like yours 'ain't got the same soul Bob? This song is actually the exact opposite of "It's Still Rock-n-Roll To Me" by Billy Joel. How much soul do you feel watching Tom Cruise dance around in his underwear? Answer me that Bob. While his song "Shakedown" from '87 is much worse, it doesn't carry the awful stigma that this one does.
3. Believe ~~ Cher ****** (Paraphrasing)
"Do you believe this songs on again?
I feel something inside me saying,
'I think they've played this long enough no?"
4. Freeway of Love - Aretha Franklin ********** Now as a kid, I didn't know who Aretha was but I hated this song. Now many lifetimes later...I freakin love Aretha and still hate it.
5. Easy Lover ~~ Philip Bailey & Phil Collins********DON'T TRY TO THINK OF HOW THIS SONG GOES! Whatever you do, you can't shake the melody of this pathetic pairup. Was Phil Collins trying to gain cred by pairing up with the lead singer of Earth, Wind and Fire? or Was Philip Bailey desperate for a hit so he found the nearest pop music writer? Either way, don't think about it.
6. Kokomo ~~ The Beach Boys********Emotional scars........PURE HATE!!!! It makes me wanna grab a baby boomer with a lame-ass Jimmy Buffett shirt by the back of the neck and stick him face first in the sand. Then he would know the bad taste in the rest of our mouths. I'm actually gagging thinking about it.
7. The Sign ~~ Ace of Base********True story here: I was waiting tables at Jekyll & Hyde in NYC and I waited on a lot of celebrities there. One day this woman and this guy are speaking in another weird language and ignoring me as I approach to take their order. I stand and wait maybe 10 seconds. Then the first words I can make out are ACE OF BASE so i interrupt them and say, "Look you can ignore me if you want but not over Ace of Base cause They Suck!"; Then the man in perfect English replied to his date, "He does not like your songs, Jenny". I turned white.......and replied "I'll be right back with your real waiter in just a sec, okay?" and ran for dear life.
8. All By Myself - Eric Carmen / Celine Dion*********Truth to be told, someone had to tell me that Dion covered this song. I only know the original and all I can tell you is......if you have ever seen the movie TO DIE FOR with Nicole Kidman & Matt Dillon them you don't hate the song quite as much as before. Director Gus Van Sant had Kidman place a boombox on her husband's casket at his funeraland stand there with reporters everywhere and I LAUGH MY ASS OFF EVERY TIME! But it's still a self-absorbed pity party that only someone like Celine would want to resurrect.
9. 1-2-3 ~~ Gloria Estefan******Songs like this just make me wanna smack the shit of somebody! The reason: because they know it's a bunch of evil crap that'll stick in your mind but they use it every year to guilt you into spending more than you should. HUH? That's right. Studies are done all the time on the effects of certain songs on consumers. I've never seen this list but I know this.....THIS SONG WILL BE PLAYING IN EVERY MALL every holiday season for the rest of our lives. Especially Valentine's Day. The lyrical proof: "1-2-3-4 come on baby say you love me 5-6-7 times, 8-9-10-11 I'm just gonna keep on counting until you are mine." Two other songs that are used in this method that I have personally noticed are played with frequency in stores are kind of obvious considering the titles are... "Handle With Care" by The Traveling Wilburys AND "Wrap It Up" by The Fabulous Thunderbirds.
10. We Built This City ~~ Starship********This one is like shooting fish in a barrel. Grace Slick....what the hell were you thinking? The radio DJ bridge part is where I start to cry....or would if I ever hear it again.
11. Wild Wild West ~~ The Escape Club ***makes you puke.
12. Uptown Girl ~~ Billy Joel ****** Now this song is awful but let's face it, it's only this high because of that disgusting video he did with then wife 'Christie Lee'. Dude, they call you Piano Man for a reason. Save your doo-wop Charlie shit for home movies, please.
13. Mickey ~~ Toni Basil ****** I don't see how anyone could need an explanation for this choice. You already have the melody on your head and resent me for bringing it up and that should be proof enough.
14. Bad Day ~~ Daniel Powter ***** This song sucks big-time and is probably only this high on the list because of American Idol who exascerbated it's suckiness to a whole new level.
15. Ghostbusters ~~ Ray Parker Jr. ***** Reasons escape me at this moment. (Seeks self-medicating devices)
16. Gloria ~~ Laura Branigan ***** The synthesizer from hell.
17. The Heat Is On ~~ Glenn Frey *****
Evidence in lyrical form:
- The heat is on, on the street
- Inside your head, on every beat
- And the beat's so loud, deep inside
- The pressure's high, just to stay alive
- Cause the heat is on (cue the most annoying horns ever)
18. I Wanna Dance With Somebody ~~ Whitney Houston
19. Mambo #5 ~~ Lou Bega
20. I Swear ~~ All-4-One
21. Fly Away ~~ Lenny Kravitz
22. Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue ~~ Toby Keith
23. We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off ~~ Jermaine Stewart
24. More Than Words ~~ Extreme
25. All Star ~~ Smash Mouth
26. Barbie Girl ~~ Aqua
27. Cotton Eye Joe ~~ Rednex
28. Cherry Pie ~~ Warrant
29. Babe ~~ Styx
30. A Little Respect ~~ Erasure
31. Roam ~~ The B-52's
32. Out of Touch ~~ Hall & Oates
33. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
34. 867-5309 / Jenny ~~ Tommy Tutone
35. Hit Me With Your Best Shot ~~ Pat Benatar
36. Oh Sherrie - Steve Perry
37. Honestly - Stryper
38. Fresh ~~ Kool & The Gang
39. Macarena ~~ Los Del Rio
40. All Summer Long ~~ Kid Rock
41. Shiny Happy People ~~ R.E.M.
42. (I Just) Died In Your Arms ~~ Cutting Crew
43. She Bop ~~ Cyndi Lauper
44. Material Girl ~~ Madonna
45. Dude (Looks Like a Lady) ~~ Aerosmith
46. Glory of Love ~~ Peter Cetera
47. Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
48. Fins ~~ Jimmy Buffett
49. Lightning Crashes ~~ Live
50. On My Own ~~ Patti Labelle & Michael McDonald
51. All For You ~~ Sister Hazel
52. I Believe I Can Fly ~~ R.Kelly
53. Nasty ~~ Janet Jackson
54. Jenny From The Block ~~ J-Lo
55. Something About You ~~ Level 42
56. Open Arms ~~ Journey
57. Mesmerize ~~ Ja Rule / Ashanti
58. Follow Me ~~ Uncle Kracker
59. The Final Countdown ~~ Europe
60. If It Makes You Happy ~~ Sheryl Crow
61. Invisible Touch ~~ Genesis
62. Stuck With You ~~ Huey Lewis & The News
63. Get Busy ~~ Sean Paul
64. Conga ~~ Miami Sound Machine
65. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now ~~ Starship
66. Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? ~~ Bryan Adams
67. Wannabe ~~ The Spice Girls
68. Family Man ~~ Hall & Oates
69. River of Dreams ~~ Billy Joel
70. Glory Days ~~ Bruce Springsteen
71. Billy, Don't Be a Hero ~~ Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods
72. Little Willy ~~ Sweet
73. Like a Rock ~~ Bob Seger
74. Don't Lose My Number ~~ Phil Collins
75. Satellite ~~ Dave Matthews Band
76. Don't Give Up On Us Baby ~~David Soul
77. Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? ~~ Culture Club
78. Is There Something I Should Know? ~~ Duran Duran
79. Friday ~~ Rebecca Black
80. Every Morning ~~ Sugar Ray
81. Machinehead - Bush
82. Gettin Jiggy Wit It ~~ Will Smith
83. My Sacrifice - Creed
84. Heaven is a Place on Earth ~~ Belinda Carlisle
85. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
86. Closing Time ~~ Semisonic
87. Breakfast at Tiffany's ~~ Deep Blue Something
88. I'm Not a Girl ~~ Britney Spears
89. Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
90. Your Body Is a Wonderland ~~ John Mayer
The Last 10 Songs on this list represent mediocre-to-bad songs that have been overplayed to the point of becoming nauseating. They are listed in order from regular worst to very very worst-bad yuuuucccchhk! I hate each one of them uniquely and correctly.
91. Centerfold ~~ J. Geils Band
92. Bennie & The Jets ~~ Elton John
93. Cat Scratch Fever ~~ Ted Nugent
94. Love Shack ~~ The B-52's
95. Rock & Roll All Nite ~~ Kiss
96. Sussudio ~~ Phil Collins
97. One Headlight ~~ The Wallflowers
98. Dream On ~~ Aerosmith
99. Sweet Home Alabama ~~ Lynyrd Skynyrd
100. Paradise By The Dashboard Light ~~ Meatloaf
For The Record: I love MmmBOP by Hanson and so do you now that they stopped playing it every day. U Can't hate.
Also >> Picking on Rico Suave & Ice Ice Baby is just too easy.