12 Ways to Turn a Great Square Dance Into a Pure Disaster

History of square dancing

Square dances were first recorded in 17th-century England but were also quite common in France and most of Europe. They, square dancers, came to North America with the European settlers and have undergone considerable development here.

Writer's note: I had intended to publish a comedy-based hub about terrorism, but in lieu of the cold-blooded murder of hundreds of citizens in Brussells by godless monsters, I will hold off on that one just out of respect for those innocent people. (Kenneth).

So your dream was, and still is, to be a top-notch square dancer? Well, sport, you are not alone. There are literally hundreds of thousands of eager square dancers-to-be just waiting for the right time to enter into one of our country's oldest form of dance. Actually, square dancing is more of an art form than a social outlet as it was once thought.

Is square dancing for everyone? No. Can anyone learn to be a square dancer? No. I answered 'no' to that one because a true teacher of square dancing will not delete any of those intricate-but-beautiful dance moves that couples are taught to make while keeping time with the person "calling" the square dance and the band who is providing the music.

Some, not all, will grow frustrated at not learning these dance moves fast enough and simply give-up. But I estimate that for every one burned-out square dancer there are three who do master this grand old way of having some good, clean fun like they did in rural America in the late 1940's and even until the early 1960's.

But before you get all cocky and sure of yourself, you best sit down and take note of the things contained in this hub which I am calling . . .

12 Ways to Turn a Great Square Dance Into a Pure Disaster

12.) YOU DO NOT - - drink a fifth of whiskey or half-case of beer and expect to learn how to square dance or even be a respectful square dancer. Matter of fact, drinking this much will make you a flop at most any event or job you may undertake.

11.) YOU CANNOT -- show-up to learn the art of square dancing or watch a square dance dressed only in your pleated pants, black and white slippers, but not wearing a shirt. Bare-chested square dancers, either men or women or even those sitting in the stands is strictly forbidden and heavily frowned upon.

10.) YELLING AT - - a young, pretty female square dancer will cause the couples who are enjoying the square dance to be distracted and instead of doing a "Do Si Do," they will stumble over their own feet and end up doing a "Bow to Your Partner" and cause other dancers to fall on the floor in embarrassment.

9.) THROWING -- apples, oranges, or grapes at the square dancers is not only a good way to ruin the square dance, but get the attention of a couple of husky guys who would love nothing better than to toss you out on your behind and stand there laughing at you.

8.) DRESSING UP -- as a mule or elephant (with another insensitive friend) and charging the circle of square dancers is a good way to get you and your "doofus" friend to be banned from this and all other square dancing events.

7.) EATING - - items such as crunchy potato chips by the handful and chewing with your mouth open (which amplifies this annoying sound) is not tolerated at a square dance, much less any event that is planned and attended by civil-minded people.

6.) IF YOU ARE NOT - - an accomplished musician, DO NOT bring your guitar which is severely out of tune and sing to the top of your lungs while walking near the square dancers. These men and women love the art of square dancing, but they do not love the sound of a donkey braying over and over. NOTE: the donkey braying sound is YOU with that awfully-tuned guitar.

5.) TOSSING HANDFUL'S - - of multi-colored marbles on the floor so the square dancers will trip and fall on them will cause you to meet your "buddy," again, the husky bouncer. And you just might get to meet a few lawyers who are representing the injured square dancers who you caused to fall to begin with.

4.) LAUGHING AND -- telling telling jokes to those around you in the stands so loudly that even the band stops playing due to your loud mouth is NOT acceptable. To make matters worse for you, your jokes are not funny at all.

3.) STANDING UP - - to yell at a buddy who is sitting clear across the recreation or civic center where the square dance is being held is also forbidden. Do you just have to open your mouth at all, during something as enjoyable as a square dance?

2.) "CUTTING IN" - - when the square dancers are doing those pretty dance movies is an easy way to ruin the square dance for everyone, but your "close friend," the husky rural guy who is now having a ball seeing how far that his muscular arms can hurl you on the asphalt outside.

1.) DO NOT - - barge in and take over the job of calling the square dance. The people who call the square dances must have as much knowledge about this dance form as the dancers themselves. The audience, band, square dancers, the man who was calling the dance whom you shoved off of the podium, and your "pal," the husky rural bouncer DO NOT need you up there doing a poor job of talking like the late Rodney Dangerfield and doing an even worse job at doing an impression of Burt Reynolds by trying to quote key lines from "Smokey and The Bandit"

Oh, you have changed your mind about being a square dancer and opting to be a Nuclear Physicist?

Good call. Being a Nuclear Physicist is way easier than learning how to square dance.